The Bat & the Cat, redux
by karanne
Summary: This does have some adult material, like sex, violence, and criminal law.
1. Of Jokers and Cops

The Bat and the Cat, redux.

#include stdDisclaimer.h: Batman, Catwoman, Alfred, Babs, Dick, Lucius, and the rest of the gang, they're DC comic's toys. I'm just playing with them, and they'll be put back later. Everyone else, they're mine. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Of course, no injury or profit is made by this.

#include stdOwner.h I'd like to thank my Beta testers, in alphabetical order: BigAl, Chris, Diane, Evie, Nebular, Mike, Susan, and Vivienne. My thanks to the attorneys and engineers. You know who you are. © 2002 Kara Anne Kalel, karanne at mindspring dot com

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Gotham City, and thoughts … 

By: Clark Kent, for the Daily Planet

__

Exciting Gotham !

Experience unique Gotham living! Enjoy some of the finest chefs in the world! Be dazzled by art and museums that rival the Hermitage and the Louvre! Enjoy Gotham's neo-classic architecture!

Excerpted from Gotham County Convention and Visitor's Bureau brochure. 

Gotham. A typical, mid-size American city on the Atlantic coast, with a population of around 1.8 million people. Currently the metro area, with the dominant island city of Gotham boasts a world-class collection of art galleries and museums, along with university research to rival competing MIT and Caltech. Gotham's first-class university is bolstered by the presence of STAR Labs and WayneTech Research. Together with affordable housing, good wages, and a widespread mass transit system (Gotham Metro) make Gotham County an attractive place to raise a family.

With the rise in prosperity, a rising crime rate has afflicted Gotham County. With the excellent deep-water harbor and long waterfront of the island city, this has seen the rise of drug and weapon smuggling, primarily under the control of the Yakuza gangs and the Chinese tongs. With more notoriety, however has been the development of the so-called 'super' beings, with both criminal and heroic leanings. Possibly the leading 'supercriminal' has been a psychopathic killer known only as "The Joker". Driven insane by unknown forces, the Joker kills randomly, for amusement or his own reasons. Joined on occasion by a female accomplice and alleged lover, "The Harlequin", the Joker has proven an elusive and dangerous threat. 

An equally formidable, but far less violent threat is a burglar and thief known as "Catwoman". Known as a burglar that no security system can deny, she prefers high value and 'cat' themed crimes, and she disdains the use of excessive force, preferring subtlety. Catwoman is known never to have killed anyone, preferring to render the odd guard that encounters her unconscious. One of the few things that will stir her to violence is cruelty to women and animals, particularly the large cats. 

Facing these many and varied threats is Gotham's defender and vigilante, "The Batman". Considered by some politicians to be as much of a threat as the criminals he pursues, he fights crime from the street mugger, to the Mob, to the Joker. His identity and motivations are unknown, but the mere whisper of his name is enough to make the most hardened criminal break out in a sweat. He is feared by the criminal classes that he pursues through the night, as much as both the common citizen and the cop on the beat praise him. He is known to be incorruptible, having brought to justice corrupt politicians, police, and judges, and exposed innumerable shady dealings, sometimes to the acute discomfort of others in the media. 

Aiding the Batman on occasion is a figure known as "Nightwing", who has lately relocated most of his activities to the neighboring town of Bludhaven. This figure (story continued on page E3) … 

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I cautiously followed Catwoman down the freezing, icy alleyway. She stopped long enough to hiss at me, and then jumped for the top of a Dumpster. Her next leap shoved her off the heavy Dumpster as she reached for the ladder of a fire escape, missing it as a swirling, red and white fog enveloped us. 

"Oh, gods! Where am I?" I heard as I blinked back to consciousness, to find myself trussed and hanging by my ankles over a steaming pit of some bubbling greenish chemical. I twisted in my ropes to see... myself.

"Batman?" I whispered. That must mean that I was... 

"Catwoman?" 

I coughed from the chemical fumes, and twisted around to see ... myself. I twisted and saw my own dark gray outfit, and my knee-high spike heeled leather boots. I saw the... my... raven-black hair swing freely. I coughed again, and said, "Batman, can you reach your cutter?"

He coughed violently as he twisted his hands behind himself. His contortions swung him around, the dangling cape hiding his cowled head. As we both swung, I tried to direct his fumbling hands, the heavy ropes around his wrists hampering him. 

"There you are!" The whiney voice caused Batman's fumbling fingers to lose his tenuous hold on the small cutter, and I watched, sickened, as it fell into the steaming vat. I turned, and saw a small female figure in an outlandish red and white clown costume.

"Harley! Be a dear and let me down. After all, Bats was chasing me. Hmm?" I purred, ruined half way through by a hacking cough.

Harley seemed to think about it for a second, then chirped, "Naaa. I'll let Mistah J. decide what to do with you, pussycat. You just hang tight and watch the mean ol' Bat for me. Ta!" She waved, and skipped out, bells jingling on her costume's tassels. 

::Nice try, Catwoman:: 

I coughed again, matched by one from Batman, and I gasped out, "What?"

Batman twisted in agony, and I could feel the pain he must be enduring. I cried out in sympathetic pain, as well as my own as my ankles became even number. Our coughing subsided, and I heard, or think I heard, a weak, "I said, 'Nice try'. She's as insane as he is, in her own way."

"But before, I think... I heard you... 'think it'" I wheezed. 

"If true, it must be a combination of" he coughed again, "that mist we both ran into, and these fumes." 

As he coughed again, I wheezed, "Harley was never the chemist the Joker is."

"If you say so. You kept such good track of me..." He coughed.

"Let's try an experiment." I hacked. "I'll think of something, and you tell me what it is."

He nodded, and I thought back to the beginning of the evening, Commissioner Gordon's office in Police Headquarters, and how he had paced, as he detailed the manhunt for the escaped Joker.

He wheezed, "Commissioner Gordon's office. He was briefing me... you... the Batman about the Joker. How Harley Quinn had broken him out." 

"Yes. What color tie was Lieutenant Bullock wearing?" I asked.

"Bullock left before I showed myself. He was wearing his red tie with the ragged end, with the three mustard stains on it. Jim's tie was pulled down, and it was his blue and red checked tie. His shirtsleeves were rolled up below his elbows. He was smoking his pipe, the English Darby blend tobacco. His shoes needed polishing." He coughed again, then said, "Now me."

I looked at the inverted Batman, and closed my burning eyes. Suddenly, a scene came to life, as if Hollywood had taped it. I knelt to pour milk, smelling them and hearing their soft cries, and said, "I'm feeding cats. I'm pouring milk for Mr. Patches, orange and white calico. Four others are watching from the windowsill. They're Simon, a red-furred tom with one missing eye, George, another tom with black fur and a white nose, Melissa, a tabby, and April, whose coat is pure gold." I opened my eyes, and said, "How did I do? It seemed so real..." 

Batman said, "I know. It seems we've switched bodies somehow. Two last questions. Which eye is George missing, and what am I wearing?"

I chuckled roughly. "Simon is missing his left eye. You're wearing Kevlar armor on your chest and abdomen, a steel cup to protect your, um, privates, and steel-toed boots. Anything else? What is the Cat wearing?" 

Batman replied, "Black sport bra and panty set from the sporting good shop on Conway, four inch heels from the custom emporium on Third Avenue, lycra bodysuit from the same store, a cowl you've made yourself. Your whip seems to have vanished. That's from the boutique on Alexandria place."

::Excellent:: I read her thoughts of the boutique, and replied, ::I am not a prude!:: I felt her amusement, then a spike of wariness.

::Someone's coming!:: I heard the door a second after her, the jingle of Harley's bells and then her wheedling voice.

"Mistah J, see what I got you for your birthday! A bat and a cat, all trussed up and waitin' for you!"

"NOOOO! NOOO! I WANTED TO CATCH HIM! ME! ME!" The Joker screamed. "IF SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT, THERE'S NO SPORT IN IT! NO FUN IN THE KILL!" He stepped into view, and said, "Take them away. Dump them someplace. ALIVE, DO YOU HEAR? If one of you kills him, IT'S NO FUN! Then I'd have to substitute someone else!" He leaned close to Harley, and said, "Like you! Wouldn't that be nice?" 

"S...Sure, Mistah J. T...That would be just...peachy!" Harley stammered. As Joker spun and whirled away, she scrambled for a control panel. Jabbing the buttons, she told us, "Maybe I should let the kitty go and just kill the bat. That'd make my rep!" 

As the winch stopped with our heads inches above the bubbling, steaming goo, I shrieked from the pain that my scalp was giving me. I heard Batman's voice, "Harley, if you do that then I think you'll follow us into this vat." ::Hang on, Catwoman!:: he thought.

::I'm going to claw her eyes out!:: I thought back. 

::Meow, dear! Be a nice kitty, play nice and we'll get out of this:: The Batman thought to me.

I grumbled as one of Joker's henchmen grabbed me, giving me a quick grope. I thrashed, and he dumped me unceremoniously next to him on the concrete. The other thug with Batman said, "Hey, his ropes are almost eat through!"

"Well, chain them both, and we'll dump them someplace like Mistah J wants! Do I have to do all your thinking?" Harley screeched. As my thug grumbled and started to lock manacles on my wrists and ankles, the other started to wind chains around Batman. 

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With a screech, we were thrown out the back of a non-descript white van. I struggled up, trying to see the license plate, when Batman thought ::Don't bother, Catwoman::

I coughed and then gave up, and thought ::Why not?:: 

::It's stolen. At least that's what I, err, Catwoman would have done:: 

::Ah. Of course:: I squirmed up to sit against the filthy brick wall, and said, err, thought, ::Look, Bats, let's call a truce. We need each other's help. Agreed?:: 

::Why should I trust you, Catwoman? You've been chasing me for years! What do I have to get out of it?:: 

::For one thing, your freedom:: I thought practically. ::How many of the Bat's enemies would love to have you in this position right now, Batman?:: I gave a snort, and thought, ::Right now, we need to rest and recover, and try to figure out a way to reverse this. I won't get far into the Batcave as Catwoman. We need to trust each other:: 

After a few moments of silence, a curt ::Agreed:: 

::Good:: I squirmed over to him and thought, ::Good thing that acid ate away most of the cape. Let me at the lockpicks on the back of the belt:: I rolled around until I was lying face down in the grimy alleyway, and the picks were in my hands. With Batman slumped against the wall so I could work, I attacked the locks with my unfamiliar fingers. 

"Ah! That's better!" With a heave, Batman threw the chains against a dumpster, and bent over me. I heard the screech of tires, and a bright spotlight was thrown down the dingy alleyway. Twisting, I saw the flashing red and blue lights, and someone shouted "Halt! Gotham Police! Don't move!" 

I squirmed around again, and saw a young female cop put her sidearm away, and say, "We'll take her from here, Batman, and thanks." She flicked her flashlight around, spying and grabbing the lock picks with a gloved hand, and said, "So this is the Catwoman? We'll book her on possession of burglary tools until you can come by the two five and give your usual statement." She snapped another set of cuffs on my wrists, then turned and called, "Hey Lou! Bring a set of ankle shackles for her, and help me with her. She's supposed to be a real handful." 

An older, redheaded Irish cop bent over and snapped shackles on my ankles, then asked, "She Mirandized yet?" Getting headshakes, he started with the ritual, "Miss, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney..." 

::Don't worry! I'll have an attorney get to you as quick as I can, um... :: Batman promised.

I sighed to myself, and answered, ::Bruce. Bruce Wayne. Tell Alfred the password is 'Elinore', and he'll help you:: 

::Thanks, Catwoman. I'm Selina. Selina Kyle. Don't tell them anything, not even your name. I've been arrested before, but the charges haven't stuck. They don't even know my name, I'm down as 'Jane Doe 7373'. They won't mistreat you:: He spoke up to the cops, "She needs medical attention." 

"She'll get it, as soon as she's booked. You don't look too good yourself, Bats. Why don't you call it a night? Want a ride somewhere?" The rookie said as she frisked me. My bodysuit was in tatters, black bra showing through in places.

"Thanks, but no. I am calling it a night, though." Batman croaked. 

::Selina, touch the upper left corner of the buckle on the utility belt together with the lower right, and the Batmobile will find you. Once you're inside it, tap the 10, and 11 o'clock positions twice on the steering wheel, wait five seconds, then the 7 o'clock three times and it will drive itself back to the Batcave. Alfred will be waiting:: I thought.

"Do you understand these rights, Miss Catwoman?" Lou the cop said. I nodded, and he said, "I need a verbal acknowledgement, Miss."

"I do." I rasped, as I saw Bats touch his belt buckle, and stagger off into the alleyway. I was lifted, and half dragged, half carried to the back seat of the squad car, where I was buckled in for the trip to the precinct. The rookie got in back to control me. I snorted to myself. ::Control me? I'm weak as a kitten!:: With a swirl of colored lights being cut off, Leo pulled out of the alley.

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"Who we got?" The desk sergeant asked, keying in a fresh arrest report as I was hauled up in front of his desk.

"This is the Catwoman, Sarge! Possession of Burglary tools!" The rookie said excitedly as she threw the lockpicks on his desk.

"Miller, why ain't these properly bagged as evidence?" He looked over his reading glasses at the young woman, and with a sigh, fished out a fresh bag. With the point of a pencil, he picked up the picks and placed them into the bag. Leo came in, and he asked, "DuPont, did your partner manage to bag the Cat, or did she have some black-clad help?"

"Help, Sarge. She must have put up a helluva fight, too. Neither one of them looked too good." Leo answered. Miller glared at her partner as the sergeant snorted.

"All right. She been Mirandized?" The cops nodded, and the sergeant asked me, "Miss, your rights been read to you?" 

I nodded, then got out, "Yes, sergeant. Thank you." 

He glanced at me, then said, "You're more polite than some of these yahoos I work with. You're gonna co-operate with the doc when she comes?" I nodded, and then he told me, "Good. We'll get you a shower and a change of clothes. The doc ain't scheduled for her rounds until 8 this morning, so we'll find you a nice quiet cell where you can rest. Be good, and we'll be nice to ya. Unnerstood?" I nodded, and he glanced at the rookie cop. "Good. Now, then, Officer Miller. I'm gonna want a report from you on proper evidence-handling techniques. Have it ready by shift-change, and I'll be goin' over it wit' ya." She groaned, and shot me a dark look. The sergeant waved me away, and the next arrest took my place.

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"If you'll be good, I'll get these leg irons off ya." Leo the cop said. "Not like Bats to use chains, though. Wonder why?" He glanced at me, and I shrugged. Leo helped me over to an old wooden chair that I collapsed into. I couldn't have put up a fight if I had wanted to. I closed my eyes for just a minute... 

### Chapter 1: Of Jokers and Cops

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	2. Of Lawyers and Cons

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"Hey. Wake up. C'mon, wake up!" I felt my shoulder being shaken, and opened my eyes to look around an area. I felt a breeze on my hair, and realized that my cowl had been removed. A sign over a door read Female Booking. Turning my head, I realized that I was on a bench with other women, sitting as far away from our male counterparts as we could. I moaned, and the perky little blonde beside me said, "You're next after me." I moaned as a voice called, "Callaway, Melinda?" The blonde bounced up, and chirped, "That's me!" I watched as a signboard was slid into the camera, and she turned to face the mark on the wall. She was lead off, and the bored voice called, "Catwoman, No First Name, No Middle". I stood up, and slowly edged out as people whispered. I could walk, but not run with the ankle chains still on my feet, and with the heavy chains keeping my hands behind me. The cop behind the camera asked, "What's your real name?" I just shook my head, and he shrugged. "We'll get it when we run a background on you. Stand on the line, face the mark." I slowly did, and he snapped, "Move it, sweetheart." I glared at him, then shook one of my feet, and moved even slower. He finally took my mug shot, and I was then fingerprinted, and had my retinas photographed. I was then shoved into Female Booking. 

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"Ow! That hurts!" Melinda complained as she was stripped and locked into a pair of hanging cuffs for a guard to do a cavity search. I waited on a bench for my turn. 

"Shaddup." The guard walked over to a hose, and proceeded to spray down the blonde as she hung from the handcuffs. Melinda shrieked again at the cold water, and the guard said, "I told ya to shaddup. We can get a trusty in here for this if you want..." Melinda shook her head, and with a grin, the guard shoved the brass hose nozzle into her ass, then hummed to herself as Melinda danced in place. With a yank, she pulled the hose out, spraying dirty water onto the floor. 

"Ohgodohgodohgod!" Melinda chattered to herself as the guard hosed off her ass and legs, then the dirt down the floor drain. One bored cop released Melinda and tossed her a thin hand towel to dry with, while pointing her through a door. 

A third cop had removed my chains, and I slowly started to strip. She took my boots and clothes, and tossed them in a plastic crate with 'Catwoman, NFN, NMN' and the date on it. I sighed as she sealed the crate, and I walked over under the dangling cuffs. 

"Ain't she co-operative?" The cop with the hose asked her partners. She locked my wrists into the cuffs, then turned a crank until I was on my toes. 

"She's supposed to have given the Bat a helluva fight. Be careful with her." The third cop tossed the second a steel bar, and she quickly locked my legs apart. I grunted as my wrists took my weight. The second cop slowly approached me, and asked, "You gonna be good?" I nodded, and she snapped her rubber gloves on.

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The cop had tossed me a larger towel to dry off with. It was still thin, as was the cotton jumpsuit I was issued, along with a plain cotton bra and panties. I reached back to fasten my bra, and noticed there were no hooks, just Velcro, held in place by threads. I finished drying my hair with the towel, and looked down at my issue sneakers, also yellow. Another cop asked, "You Catwoman?" I nodded, and she motioned for me to hold out my left wrist. She snapped a tight yellow plastic hospital band around my wrist, and told me, "That's not on your wrist, it's considered an escape attempt, and you get time in the hole. Understood?" I nodded, and she moved on to the next inmate in line. 

As the guard slammed the cell door, Melinda leaned over to ask me, "You're really the Catwoman? Wow! I never thought I'd meet a real super-person!" I snorted and sat down, looking her over. Thin, dark blue jumpsuit. I wondered what this bubbly cheerleader type was doing here. I sighed, and leaned back against the concrete wall. She probably got on the guards' nerves as much as mine. Melinda kept on chattering about the Bat, and how she'd heard so much about him. I finally leaned over and hissed, "Shut. Up." 

"Thanks. She was startin' to get real annoyin'." A thin girl across from me with a light blue jumpsuit said. She grinned, and said, "Ginny Hightower. I do burglary, B&E, and some second-story, too, but nuttin' like the scores you have, Cat. Mostly industrial places. Keep me in mind next time you wanna form up another gang." 

I nodded, and a small, solidly built girl next to her said, "Raquel Montoya. Rocky to friends. Locks, safes, alarms. Keep me in mind, Cat."

Melinda sputtered, and said, "But you're all... criminals! I shouldn't be here!" 

The other women roared with laughter, and Rocky said, "Pompom, why you here in the first place? Dis here is Gotham. Toughest city in da woild. Home of da Bat, da Cat, and da Joker, among others." She smiled and nodded to me. 

The guard said, "She's a DUI, and the victims are Critical at General. If they die, it's bucked up to a coupla felony manslaughter charges. You get points for being co-operative, but it's still a couple of pending homicides. Maybe you'll get forty, maybe life. Depends on how the District Attorney's office wants ta handle ya. Ain't minimum mandatory great?" I looked at her, and the guard leaned on the bars and said, "The Cat, now, never has killed anyone. Pissed off a lotta insurance companies and security types, and she hangs with the weirdo crowd, which is why she's wearin' yellow. Personally, I don' mind insurance companies bein' pissed off. They've pissed me off plenty!" I grinned at her, and she said, "C'mon, ladies, time for y'all to bunk down for the night." 

Melinda sputtered, "But I turned myself in! My daddy said I'd be out in no time!"

Ginny replied, "Welcome to Gotham, Pompom. Depends on how the District Attorney feels about you. Your bad luck that this is the end of the month, and an election year, and crime is up, so they need to be 'tough on crime' again and get their conviction rates up. You're lucky the Supremes put the hold on the death penalty again. Maybe you'll be lucky, and those people will pull through." She snorted, and said, "And maybe the Bat will come and visit my cell tonight, and make mad, passionate love to me." There were some chuckles at that.

"But... Daddy's a Senator! This shouldn't be happening!" Melinda wailed.

Rocky said, "Word of advice, Pompom. Don' repeat that in here. You don' wanna be dancin' from a showerhead your first night."

Melinda's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. She sniffled, and quietly began to cry. I pulled the thin pillow over my head to muffle her, and rolled over to sleep.

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With an audible pop, the lights went back on, and a cop started beating on a trash can with her nightstick. Another pounded on the cell bars with her stick, while yelling, "Up and at 'em, ladies! Youse got First Appearance to go to! Can't keep the judge waitin!" I stood up, and waited in line with the other women to be let out of the cell. One of the cops opened the door, and yelled, "Left at the end of the hall, strip off the clothes and toss 'em into the plastic trash cans, shower wit' what the trusty gives ya. Move it!" 

I tossed the threadbare bra into the can, along with the panties. I waited, rolling my shoulders and arms to get the tension out. One of the guards said, "Cat. Knock it off." She touched a control, and a steel grill slid aside. She waved her nightstick, and motioned us in. An enormous dark woman in a light green jumpsuit handed us each a small bar of soap and a small plastic tube of shampoo. The guard closed the grill, and turned a valve as the green-suited trusty dumped the buckets of used clothing into a cart. With a rattle of pipes, the showers came on.

"Oh, god!" Melinda said. "My first prison shower. Oh, my god!" 

People laughed, and Rocky said as she washed her hair, "Pompom, dis ain't no prison. Dis is jail. Jail is easy. Prison fer you prob'ly be Blackgate. Youse ain't gonna get no country club, youse killed people. Dey gonna come down hard on youse. Youse need to hook up wit someone like da Cat, or Ivy. Someone dat'll pertect youse. Someone respected, but stay away from the clowns. Dey like to kill people fer no reason, an' dat includes der own people." 

Ginny said, "I was with Two-face for a while. That's when I got this tat." She turned to show a pair of cards, both black deuces, on her upper arm. Rocky turned to display a green plant winding up her inner arm. Ginny continued, "What you got to offer the Cat here? What are you gonna do to make it worth her while to give you her mark?" I smiled at Melinda, and she sobbed, "I... don't know. I don't know!" The guard rapped on the gate with her stick, and called, "Finish up, ladies! I'm turning off the water."

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Once more, we were herded into a small room with steel benches. As the door slammed closed, an older woman with short silvery hair said, "For those of you ladies that don't know me, I'm Amanda Grayson, the Initial Appearance lawyer with the PD's Office. There's a couple of things I need to know. First, was everyone Mirandized? You all had your rights read to you?" People nodded, and she repeated the question in Spanish, French, and German. She smiled, and continued, "Did anyone make any confession or statement to the police? If you did, was there a lawyer there?" 

Melinda raised her hand, and Amanda sighed, and said, "Yes, dear? What's your name, what are you charged with, and was there a lawyer there?"

"Um, my name is Melinda Callaway, um, DUI and possible vehicular manslaughter, and there was just the cops and the lady from the District Attorney's office. They said I didn't need a lawyer..." There was a collective hoot of laughter, and Melinda blushed.

Amanda sighed again, and said, "Dear, you've just made my job much more difficult. Did you request a lawyer, and they denied you one, or did you just ask their opinion?"

"Um. Their opinion. They're the cops, after all. Why would they lie?"

"Well, dear, they're allowed to." Amanda said. "Secondly, they want to close the case and move on. They don't care about you. Have you had any other trouble with the law?" 

"Ah, just a couple of speeding tickets."

Amanda sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "Dear, for what it's worth now, the cops are your enemies. Don't resist them, but don't co-operate either. If I were you, I'd pray that your victims survive." She turned to look around the room, and spied me. With a smile, she said, "We have the Catwoman back with us. Or, as we so fondly know her, Jane Doe, um, "

"7373, Amanda." I said with a smile.

"Oh, yes. How silly of me. I'm so forgetful in my old age. I really should retire..." I smiled at her, and she continued, "Thank you for your help with that women's shelter, dear. I'm glad to know that it has your protection."

"My pleasure. I wish I could have done more..." 

"We've discussed this. I know you say your money is from a good source, and it's well laundered, but we just can't take the chance. I do appreciate the thought, though." 

I sighed. "As you wish. Still, if there's anything else I can do..."

"Can you get Bruce Wayne to contribute?" Amanda chuckled.

"Possibly. Willing or not?" I grinned.

"Willing. Definitely willing, dear!" 

"I'll see what I can do."

"Wonderful. On to business. Today, Sheila Hawking, of Hawking, Conner, and Schwartz represents you. You don't often see a senior partner in court on a third degree felony charge. Bang on the door, and the guard will take you to meet her. Good luck dear."

"Thank you, Amanda. Best of luck!" She waved as I stood and made my way to the door. As I was escorted out, she was passing out forms on clipboards.

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The guard opened the door to a small room, where a thin Asian woman waited for me. She stood as the door closed, and asked, "Ms. Catwoman? I'm Sheila Hawking. Glad to meet you. I've read quite a bit about you." 

I smiled, and said, "The newspapers have been known to exaggerate a bit."

"Not only them, but the TV and radio stations, too. On to business. The Batman has given me a statement that you were both captured by that lunatic, the Joker, and barely managed to escape with your lives. He was in the process of freeing you when the police arrived, but was not able to do so in time. Is that the facts of the matter?" She asked.

"Essentially." I replied. "If you look at the picks, they have a small bat engraving on one end. They're his. Besides, with the way I was chained, I couldn't have done much with them." I coughed, and added, "They were supposed to let me see a doctor. We both breathed in chemical fumes. Bats could barely stand. I don't know how he got us both out of there. That should be in the police report."

"It's not." It looks like the rookie, an officer..."

"Miller."

"Miller. She's a bit um, enthusiastic." Sheila said. 

"Well, I can see where she jumped to a conclusion. After all, I am the notorious Catwoman." I said with a smile.

"Maybe so, but I can still get you released on bond. Bruce Wayne has agreed to post it. I might add that he's also paying my not-inconsiderable fee. I'd like to know how you managed that!" I simply smiled, and she sighed, then asked, "Do you agree to the terms he put in this letter?" She passed me a sealed envelope. 

I looked at the envelope, and recognized Alfred's precise, dignified handwriting. I smiled slightly, then tore one end and blew to open it. Extracting the letter, I saw "Bruce's" shaky handwriting. He wrote, "Do what Sheila suggests, and come to the manor. We'll discuss recent events then." He had signed it 'Elinore'. 

"I do." I said, giving the letter back.

"Excellent. I'll see you in an hour or so. Judge Bentley is holding court today. Don't worry about him, he's an old softy." She smiled, and gathered her things. Standing, she stuck out her hand, and said, "I'm glad we could meet, Ms. Catwoman. Perhaps later?"

Taking her hand, I smiled, and said, "Definitely."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Docket number 799-35653CFA, Gotham versus Jane Doe 7373, a.k.a. Catwoman." The bailiff called. I stood, and left the waiting room to stand in front of the judge. Sheila walked over to stand at my left, and the District Attorney, a slim black man, stood at my right. 

The heavyset black judge looked at me over his glasses, then ran a hand through his close-cropped silver hair. He picked up some paper, looked it over, then asked me, "You're charged with possession of burglary tools, Ms. Doe. How do you plead?" 

"Not guilty, your honor."

"Why am I not surprised?" The judge asked. He looked at the District Attorney, and asked, "Mr. Cammel, I take it you have something to say?"

"I do, your honor. The defendant is a notorious burglar and thief. She has an extensive record of criminal behavior dating back over fifteen years, and over most of the world. The defense motion to nolle prosse her is absurd!"

The judge grunted, and looked at Sheila. She said, "I'm not stipulating to her record. She has never been convicted on any of those charges. However, I do have a sworn statement by the Batman to submit to the court." She took a few steps to hand the statement to the bailiff, who handed it to the judge while Sheila turned and handed a copy to the DA. Everyone was silent while they read. I wondered what it said. 

The District Attorney looked up and said, "But this is absurd!"

Sheila smiled, and replied, "You don't think so when he's on your side, now do you? The Batman is a fair man. In this case, he seems to be on my client's side."

The judge thought for a moment, then said, "I'm not going to dismiss the case against your client, Ms. Hawking. However, neither will I hold her. I'll ROR her with a bond of five thousand if you'll guarantee that she'll still be available for trial."

"Absolutely, your honor. I have a suitable place for her."

"Good." He signed something, then banged his gavel, and I was lead away.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila was waiting for me when I checked out of jail. I felt odd, walking down the long concrete ramp in my ragged cat suit, not to mention the whistles I got. Sheila opened the passenger door to her Mercedes convertible for me. As I fastened the seat belt, I looked at her, and she smiled, and gunned the engine.

I recognized the route, but I kept silent, wondering what Sheila's instructions were. 

We turned off, and as we waited at the light, I asked, "Sheila, what did the Batman's statement say?"

She smiled, and peeled out as the light changed. After a minute, she said, "I'm hungry. What about you?" Without waiting for my answer, we pulled into a McDonalds (tm). Sheila popped the trunk, and pulled out a thick file. She slammed the trunk, and said, "I'll get us something to eat if you want to wash up." My bladder complained, and I nodded.

::I'm going to have to redesign this cat suit:: I thought. ::It's almost impossible to get out of in a hurry!:: I struggled with the zipper, finally getting it down my back, past my bra, then peeling it over my hips. I yanked down my panties, and was finally able to sit on the cold ceramic seat. I sighed in relief, then blew my hair out of my face. Reaching up, I gathered my hair, pulling it over my shoulder. I sighed again, then wiped and started pulling my clothes back in place.

"I thought you had died in there." Sheila said. She passed me a wrapped burger and a box of fries. She indicated a drink, and said, "My secret vice. Chocolate shakes. I know they're not good for my hips, but..."

I smiled, and said, "This suit may look good, but it's a pain to get into." I bit into a fry, and started to unwrap my burger, then asked, "What did Bats say?"

Sheila pulled a sheet of paper out of the file and passed it to me, then sucked on her shake. I looked it over, noting that it made the police out to be fumbling idiots. ::Well, at least that rookie cop … :: 

Several teenage boys barged in, making obscene remarks about their girlfriends and women in general. They saw Sheila, and started to comment about her. I looked at her, and saw her mouth and eyes tighten. 

"Oooh, you must be the bitch with the Merc outside. I know you want to let me and my buds here take it for a spin, eh, bitch?" One strolled up to our booth, ignoring me in favor of Sheila. She ignored him, and he sauntered over to get in her face.

"Excuse me." I purred. "I was having a private conversation with my friend. Of course, you and your friends WERE just leaving, weren't you?"

"Who the fuck do you ..." He started to sneer as he turned to face me. He recognized me, and his face went white. He collapsed to the floor and started to whimper, "Please don't kill me! Please, Catwoman, please!"

"Well... If you and your 'buds' apologize to my friend, and if we don't see you again..." I placed the tip of my left boot on his face, and he hurriedly started to kiss it. I twitched it away, and he groveled before Sheila as he babbled. Sheila smiled a bit, then nodded.

I pushed the punk with the spike heel, and said, "One other thing, little man. I don't want to see you here again. You can leave now."

"Y...yes, ma'am, I mean, yes, Catwoman, I mean..." he babbled as he crawled away from us. He scrambled up, and fled out the door, following his long-departed 'buds'.

A stout black woman wearing a manager's nametag came over to us, and said, "Thank you, Miss Catwoman. Those boys have been nothing but trouble. You have my thanks. Can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you. It was my pleasure." I said as I finally took a bite of my burger. I made a face, then peeled open the burger to extract the pickles. "Ugh. I hate pickles."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila pulled up to the massive wrought iron gates, and started to fumble in her purse. I waited a minute, then said, "The code's 2247."

"How did you..." Sheila looked at me, then shrugged, and punched it in. With a whir, the gates started to retract. Sheila set her purse back on the floorboard behind her, then accelerated through them. As we drove up the long driveway, I felt a curious sense of belonging.

"Welcome, Ms. Hawking, Ms. Catwoman." Alfred said as he held the door for me. I smiled at him, and stretched luxuriously as he handed me out. Sheila had pulled her briefcase out, and was waiting for us. Alfred closed the car door, and then held the house door as we entered, heels clicking on the polished marble floor. 

"Master Bruce will be down shortly. Would you like a drink?" Alfred asked as he held the library doors for us. 

"Thank you, no. We'll be fine here. Sheila said. Alfred nodded and withdrew, the oak door closing with a tiny click.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila glanced at the collection of books on the shelves while I gazed out the window at nothing. I felt Bruce's thoughts as he approached the library, and turned, primping the ragged ends of my hair. Sheila noticed this, and turned as the door opened. 

"Ms. Hawking. Ms. Catwoman. How are you today?" Bruce asked.

"Mr. Wayne. So nice of you to see us on such short notice." Sheila replied. 

"I'm always willing to help out someone in need, Ms. Hawking."

"Please, call me Sheila. I discussed my client with you on the phone as she was being processed, but I'd like to go over it with you both, if I might." Sheila saw us both nod, then continued, "My client, Ms. Catwoman..."

"Please, call me Selina." I asked.

"All right then, Selina. You are restricted to the county limits of Gotham. If you wish to travel beyond those limits, you must notify Probation and Parole with your reasons. They will consider your reasons, and decide to grant you permission. In addition, you will not associate with known criminals. You will account for your time during the day. If you do not do so, Mr. Wayne will lose his bond, and a bench warrant will be issued for your arrest. Do you understand these restrictions, and agree to abide by them?"

I glanced at Bruce, and then said, "I do."

Sheila glanced at Bruce, then said, "As guarantor of her bond, her actions are your responsibility. Do you agree to this?"

Bruce replied, "I do."

With a smile, Sheila said, "Excellent. Do you have any plans, Mr. Wayne?"

Bruce glanced at me, then said with a smile; "I had in mind a position at WayneCorp. I believe that she needs to learn the value of an honest dollar." 

I started to screech, "An honest dollar?" 

Sheila interrupted me by saying, "I'll leave her in your capable hands, Mr. Wayne." He smiled, and she rose, saying, "I'll see myself out. Selina, I'll be in touch regarding your next court appearance. Have a nice day!"

### Chapter 2: Of Lawyers and Cons

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***


	3. Of Clothing and Englishmen

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After Bruce returned from seeing Sheila out, I glanced at him, and said "An honest dollar?"

"Of course. You haven't earned one since Catholic school, you know, 'Selina'." 

I winced, and said, "You're right, 'Bruce'. However, right now I am just about dead on my feet. These damn heels may look sexy, but they're a pain. I don't know how you managed all these years. Right now, what I want..."

"Is a hot tub and twelve hours sleep. I feel the same way." Bruce stood, and continued as he offered me a hand up, "I've gotten lost twice in this museum. I did manage to find the kitchen, but that's about all." 

"You'll get used to it." I told him. "The main building is in the shape of an elongated 'U', with sub corridors..."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

::Hey. Wake up, Selina! You'll turn into a prune!:: I heard 'Bruce' think.

::Oh. I think I already am!:: Still, I pulled the drain plug, and stepped out, my hand groping for a towel as I sat on the edge of the big whirlpool tub. Without thinking about it, I dried and wrapped my hair, then pulled another towel around myself, tucking it in under my left arm automatically. I pulled on a white robe, then strolled down the hallway to 'Bruce's room.

"Hey!" Bruce said.

"Relax. It's not like either one of us hasn't seen the other's body before."

Bruce nodded, then said, "I guess its just habit. I seem to know how to do things..."

"That you've never done before. I know. I just kind of let the body go on automatic..." 

"Yes." I said. I scrubbed my nose in an automatic motion I remember seeing Selina make before. 

::And why shouldn't it? You ARE Selina Kyle now:: 'Bruce' thought. 

::You're right. We're going to learn a lot about each other, aren't we, 'Bruce'?::

::That we are, 'Selina', that we are. Are you hungry?::

::Nope. Exhausted. Catch you tomorrow?::

::Sure. G'Night::

I reached up to give him a sisterly peck on the cheek, and said, "Good night."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m. at Gotham's hit oldies station, WGHO." I heard as I slapped the button. I yawned and sat up, the sheets and blankets pooling around my waist. I stretched, and black hair fell in my face. I leaned back in the king-size bed, and looked around the guestroom. As Bruce, I had often entertained women as part of my 'playboy' image; I found it mildly amusing to be in this room now. Still, it was well equipped with assorted women's clothing and accessories. 

Experimentally, I touched 'Bruce's mind, and found him still asleep. I yawned again, then pulled the sheets back to climb out of bed. I turned, and pulled the sheets up, making the bed out of habit. I shivered, the peignoir I had found in the dresser was certainly sexy, but not particularly warm for Gotham in October. Pulling it over my head, I stretched again to loosen up a bit, then headed toward the shower. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I sighed as I examined what was left of my cat suit. The top had taken most of the abuse, and looked like a swarm of moths had attacked it. The leggings were still in good shape, as were the boots - all they needed was a good polishing. My lingerie from yesterday smelled of chemicals, jail, and sweat. I tossed that in the 'burn' pile. 

"Now then. What to wear..." I asked myself. I sat back against the side of the bed, and continued aloud, "Since I'm going to be living here for a while, I'll have to get my stuff out of Selina's apartment. So... something I can pack in. Alfred was inspired when he supplied this room." I stood, and pulled out the lingerie drawer. I pawed through the bras, checking the size tags to find one that would fit my D cup. Pulling one out, I didn't even think about it when it went on. Sliding that drawer closed, I checked the panties, pulling out a high-cut bikini pair. I pushed that drawer closed as I wiggled into the snug panties.

"Okay, Alfred, you've supplied everything else a lady might want." I said to myself as I looked through the cabinets. "Do we have...yes! A sewing kit! Excellent!" I spied a shoe polish kit next to it under the bathroom sink, then sat tailor-fashion on the rug with my discoveries, and proceeded to separate the leggings from the torso of my poor, abused cat suit. Tossing the ruined top aside, I stood to pull the leggings on, then knelt to work on my boots. Finally satisfied, I pulled them on, zipping them to my knees, then stood, tottering a bit on the heels. I took a deep breath and relaxed, and walked to the dresser again. 

"What goes with gray leggings?" I asked myself. "Black, of course. Let's see what we find." I checked the other drawers, and finally found a turtleneck black bodysuit with long sleeves. I held it up, looking at it, then pulled it on. I reached inside to adjust my bra straps more comfortably, then pulled it the rest of the way down. I peeled down the leggings, then snapped the crotch closed. Pulling the leggings back up, I fluffed my hair ::My beautiful long hair!::, then checked myself in a mirror. "Not bad." I told myself. Remembering a pale rose sweater dress, I grabbed it, then tossed the 'burn' clothes in the trash. Pulling the dress on, I checked myself again, washed my hands, then, heels clicking on the tile and wood floor, I headed downstairs for breakfast. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good morning, Alfred!" I said as I walked into the kitchen. 

"Good morning to you, Miss Kyle." He replied warmly. "Breakfast shall be ready shortly."

"It will be ready even sooner if I help." I told him. Alfred hesitated, and I smiled, and said, "I know that Bruce wasn't exactly handy in the kitchen. Let's face it, I, err, he, may be the world's greatest detective, but he could barely operate a can opener. Now, Bruce has Selina's memories, and she's got mine. She was pretty good around a stove, so let me try, and you can stand by the fire extinguisher, if you want." Alfred hesitated again, then nodded. 

"You won't try anything... extreme, will you?" He asked. "I still remember the curtains catching on fire..." 

"It's amazing how I managed to do that, and still mess up frying an egg." I smiled. "No, Bruce is going to sit back, and let Selina drive." I nodded at the kitchen table, and said, "Pour us some tea, old friend, and I think I can manage a first course of porridge with milk and sugar. Let me know how I do with that, while the sausage and eggs cook."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Um. Something smells... wonderful!" Bruce said as he came in. He was wearing a Gotham Knights sweatshirt, shorts, and tennis shoes.

"Miss Kyle insisted on trying her hand at my stove. I must say, she's a dab hand in the kitchen." Alfred said. 

The toast popped, and I cut it, setting the triangles in Alfred's favorite rack. As I set it with the butterballs on the table, I looked at Bruce, and said, "Aren't you a bit cold?" 

"Yes, but..." He gestured helplessly. I looked him over, and saw where he'd stuck toilet paper to the cuts on his chin. I smiled, and he said, "You're not wearing makeup, I see." 

"But I..." I sighed, nodded, and said, "Touché. We'll have to help each other." He nodded. Alfred started to get up.

I told Alfred, "You sit. What do you want?" 

"Coffee for Master Bruce."

The teapot whistled, and I moved to rescue it, and finish the eggs. Bruce mindlessly reached in a cabinet, pulling out a large, dented spill-proof stainless mug. He stopped, then looked at the mug. 

"I became weary of sweeping up coffee cups, Master Bruce." Alfred tartly commented. 

"Oh. I see." He carefully placed the mug on the counter, then slowly and carefully poured coffee. As he was replacing the carafe, the mug somehow skittered off the counter, bouncing and spilling on the clean white tile floor. 

"Oh! How... I'm sorry!" Bruce blushed, and Alfred sighed. I caught the mug on the bounce, and glanced at it. I dumped the remaining coffee down the sink, then quickly washed and dried the mug while Bruce mopped the floor. I took the mop out of Bruce's hands, putting it back in its bucket in the 'mud room' kitchen entry while he shambled back to sit at the table. 

Adding sugar, I poured more coffee, putting it in Bruce's hands while Alfred commented, "Master Bruce, I had hoped that one good thing to come out of your little adventure with Miss Kyle would be a bit more grace in the kitchen. However..." 

"Please, Alfred, call me Selina. Unless you wish me to call you 'Mr. Pennyworth'." I threatened with a smile. I turned back to the stove, and heard a key in the lock. 

"Brr. It's cold out there today." I heard a voice say. After some stomping, I turned and saw Dick Grayson enter, and stop cold on seeing me.

Wiping my hands on a yellow gingham apron around my waist, I held out my hand, and said, "Hello. I'm Selina. Selina..."

"Kyle. What are you doing here?" Dick said.

"Cooking breakfast." Bruce said into his coffee mug.

"And doing a smashing job of it, too." Alfred added. 

"Coffee?" I asked.

### Chapter 3: Of Clothing and Englishmen

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***


	4. Of Friends and Neighbors

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"I must say, that was one of the better breakfasts I've had, Selina." Dick said. "Thank you. I'd still like to know..." 

"What I'm doing here? That's simple. I live here now. Bruce was kind enough to arrange my bond. The least I could do was cook breakfast." I replied with a smile. I topped off Alfred's teacup, then my own. I untied my apron, folding it as I leaned back against the counter. Placing it on the counter, I picked up my teacup, and looked at Dick over it. 

"Oh." Dick didn't say anything else. He got up and silently carried the coffeepot over to Bruce, who steadied the mug with both hands while Dick poured. He didn't seem to find this unusual, and topped off his own mug in his left hand while Bruce played with the sugar for his coffee. 

"Actually, I was hoping that I could get some help moving in today." I said as I started to wash and dry the pans. Alfred moved to get up, but I glared him back down. He settled back with a smile, as I continued, "Bruce was nice enough to let me stay in one of the guest suites, but I need my own stuff. You know how it is."

"I shall be most happy to prepare a suite in the east wing for you, Miss Kyle." Alfred said. "I can do this whilst you borrow a van to assist your move." 

"Thank you, Alfred!" I smiled. "I was hoping that Bruce could help..."

"Sounds like fun!" Bruce said. "Dick?"

"Always willing to help out a friend." Dick said with a wary air.

"Great!" I said with a smile.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Dick drove the van down the alleyway I indicated. He stopped, and asked, "Why are we here?"

"I'd like to pick up my motorcycle, if that's ok. Then I'll show you where my apartment is." I replied as I opened the door.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled up on my motorcycle and waved to Mrs. Beerman, who was watching some of the neighborhood kids play in the snowdrifts. I saw Dick back the van into a guest space. He got out with Bruce, and came over to join us as we chatted. 

"Mrs. Beerman, these are my friends Bruce and Dick. They came over to help me move." I said.

"Oh, no, Selina! You're moving? Why?" she asked. 

"Well, Bruce and I have been seeing each other off and on for a while, and he's asked me to move in with him. Dick is his son." I explained. 

She looked Bruce up and down, and said, "I hope he has a good job. He certainly looks nice enough. He looks familiar somehow."

I quickly said, "He's into investments. He's been in Gossip Gertie's column in the paper once or twice. That's probably where you've seen him."

She nodded, dismissing Bruce, and looked at Dick, who was wearing a Bludhaven Police sweatshirt. She said, "Well, young man, if you're a police officer, you've probably worked with Selina before. I've always thought that was too dangerous a job for a young woman."

I sighed and rolled my eyes, and Bruce grinned. Dick smiled, and said, "Well, ma'am, we have a lot of fine ladies on the force, both here and across the river in Bludhaven. Selina is one of the best. I just wish she didn't work a night shift. She's a fun person to be with. I'm hoping she has a younger sister." He grinned as I swatted his arm.

"Well, all I know is that having you around since you moved in a few years ago has dropped the crime in our neighborhood. You're so good with the kids, too. My only real complaint has been all those cats that have showed up. I wish you wouldn't feed them." 

"Well, they have to eat, and they've taken care of the pest problems, haven't they? Besides, I'm not the only one who feeds them. Mrs. Yee does, too." I replied. 

"I know." She sighed, and said, "Give me a call if you need a hand, Selina."

I patted her shoulder, and escorted Bruce and Dick inside.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Y'know, this is a nice apartment." Dick said. "It surprises me."

"Why?" I asked as I closed the door. "Did you think the arch-criminal Catwoman cowered in a warehouse on the docks while she plotted her dastardly crimes?" I snorted. "Get real."

"Well... no, but... What was that about you being a cop?"

"Never said I was." I grinned, and continued, "I said I worked with law enforcement, which I do, in a way. They made the assumption that I was a cop, especially since there's a cop that works the night shift here in Gotham that looks a lot like me." 

"Lieutenant Montoya." Dick said. "She does bear a resemblance to you. Still, you're taller, with longer hair and different coloring." He smiled, and said, "You should have been a lawyer, Selina."

I winced, and said, "Shuffle papers all day? No, thanks. In any case, Officer Grayson, not only will you not find any evidence relating to any crime I may or may not have committed, but you're also out of your jurisdiction. I certainly can't be accused of violating my bond, as I have you present, with another witness." I smiled, and added, "Want a drink before we start?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, the bedroom and bath are done. You've got quite a few clothes, Selina." Bruce said as he collapsed into a chair. 

"A girl has to look her best. Besides, I want to know about this job you've found for me. I'll probably need to do some shopping for it." I told him. "Want some lunch? I've got some potato salad and fried chicken to finish up."

"Sounds good." Dick answered. "How much of this furniture goes?"

"It's a furnished apartment, so that stays. The kitchen, linens, and assorted knick-knacks are all that's left. After lunch, if Dick will do those, while Bruce loads the van, and I'll take care of the landlord." I grinned at Dick's expression. "I mean, close out my account with him." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, if you stay, I can tell that at least we'll eat well. You're almost as good a cook as Alfred is." Dick said. I smiled, and he leaned back in his chair and continued. "Now tell me. Something is up with you two. Bruce would not put the Catwoman up without a damn good reason. What is it?"

I sighed, and then said, "Well, Dick, the truth of the matter is..."

"Somehow, Selina and I have ... switched minds." Bruce finished. 

"I see. Any possibility of switching back? Is it permanent?" Dick asked. 

"We don't know yet." I answered. "Right now, we're just trying to adjust. It does seem to help that we have each other's memories, and some sort of limited telepathy. There does seem to be a range limit to that, though. I could detect Bruce at the gate when I drove in, but that was about it."

"About half a mile, then." Bruce added. "I tried a session on the parallel bars, and fell on my butt half a dozen times. I did okay on the rings, but that was only when I let my mind goes totally blank. I haven't dared go out at night with my reflexes like that."

"Hmm. I see why you offered Selina a job at WayneCorp, Bruce. You'll both need to be close to each other. However, I can see some problems."

I sipped at my tea, and said, "What?"

"For instance, Selina can't simply be handed a job by the CEO, Bruce Wayne. That would be very fishy. Your best bet would be to handle it through Lucius Fox. Same thing about a home address. Selina can't use Wayne Manor, no matter where she's actually living. The best thing would be to keep this apartment, but that's no longer an option. I'd suggest using one of our safe houses for her listed address. Same reason that she can't use a car that's registered to Wayne Manor." Dick said. 

Bruce asked, "Won't that violate her bond?"

Dick shook his head. "No, it won't."

"Selina's got a few safe houses too, Dick." I said. "I can use one that's close to the manor, and drive in to work."

Dick shook his head. "Use the Metro. It's far more anonymous. There's that relatively new station in Parkhurst about fifteen miles from the manor. You want to look like a regular working mom. Use one of the older station wagons in the garage, park there, and ride the train in. The downtown station is only about six blocks from WayneCorp. Once we know where you'll be working, we can adjust." 

I nodded, and looked at Bruce. "That sounds workable. What did you mean when you told Sheila 'an honest dollar'? I assume that I'll be working at WayneCorp with you? Some sort of executive position?"

"No!" Dick said. Bruce and I just looked at him, and he said, "That would really look suspicious. Were you thinking of that employee theft ring, Bruce, err, Selina?" I nodded, and he said, "Selina needs to be undercover. Bruce needs to introduce her to Lucius, privately, then back off. Let Lucius handle it from there. Even then, you're risking some curiosity with such high level attention. Let me think on that a bit."

I nodded, and looked at Bruce. "The last audit uncovered several people siphoning off cash and property from the WayneTech and WayneCorp accounts. We've handled them quietly, but they were only the tip of the iceberg, we think." I said.

"Okay, got it." Dick said. "Selina goes undercover as a pool secretary to uncover evidence we can use." He turned to me, and said, "Selina, you'll need to get some new clothes for your new job." He regarded my hair, and added, "A new hairstyle wouldn't hurt, either. I'll call Barbara and see if she'd like to go shopping with you on Sunday. I was going with her tomorrow, but this would look more natural." He grinned, and told me, "You know how you women love to shop!"

I swung at him playfully, and he grinned and ducked. Smiling, he asked, "One other thing. I'll need to tell Barbara the whole story. Including your nocturnal identities."

I inhaled, and looked at Bruce. Dick said, "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Barbara can keep a secret or two, and she's already figured Bruce and I out. No, I didn't tell her, and no, she hasn't told her father, either. Selina, though, she doesn't know." I slowly nodded, while Bruce said, "How did she know?"

Dick glanced at me, and I nodded. Dick said, simply, "Barbara was Batgirl."

"Batgirl?" Bruce said. "Batgirl's dead! The Joker killed her!"

Dick shook his head. "No. She's alive, but paralyzed from her hips down. She doesn't want to talk about that night. I've offered, but..."

I nodded. "Okay. How about Barbara and I go shopping, and Dick and Lucius meet us for lunch somewhere at the mall. Lucius can be finishing his Christmas shopping, and meet us 'by coincidence'. Dick will be able to provide the 'bona fides' for this crazy scheme." 

"Works for me." Dick said. "I'll go over it with Barbara tonight. She can pick you up tomorrow morning about what, seven?" 

Bruce stirred his coffee, then asked, "What do you mean by a 'pool secretary', Selina?" 

"We have a staff of secretaries that float among the different divisions to cover for illnesses, hospitalization, maternity leave, and so forth. There are enough of them, and they get paid at a higher rate, that I don't think I should have any problems slipping into their ranks. Typically, they work in one location for a few months or so, then transfer to another place. I should be able to gather enough evidence for us without being exposed as working in security." I answered. "Let's get this job finished off, so we can get back to the Manor." I drained my tea and walked the cup over to the sink.

### Chapter 4: Of Friends and Neighbors

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	5. Of Water and Night

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Alfred waited for us as we pulled into the garage. He bowed, and said, "Welcome home, Miss Kyle, Master Bruce, Master Dick. Miss Kyle's suite is ready for her on the fourth floor, in the east wing." He passed me a set of keys, and said, "Your keys, ma'am."

"Thank you, 'Mr. Pennyworth'." I said with a smile. 

"As you wish, Miss Selina." He vanished, as Bruce came up with a handcart.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Whew. Need some help unpacking, Selina?" Dick asked.

"Dick? You, helping with all this 'girl stuff'? Thanks, but no. Besides, you've got a date with Barbara." I asked.

"Well, I do, but..."

I shooed him away. "Go. Get ready. Enjoy."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

::Lordy, I'm stiff! Bruce, how about you?:: I thought at him.

::So am I. Selina, is there someplace in this museum that we can fix that?:: 

::Sure is. How does a hot tub sound to you?::

::Wonderful! Um, where is it?::

I chuckled. ::Bruce, grab a pair of swim trunks from the dresser, and I'll be over in a minute or so to show you::

::Okay! Um::

::Bottom drawer on the left under the mirror. Don't worry about the towels::

I felt his amusement. ::Okay. See you in a minute!::

I lowered our 'connection' to the background, and started to hunt in Selina's clothes for a swimsuit.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I knocked on Bruce's door, and called, "Bruce? You decent?"

"Come in, Selina!" I heard him call.

I turned the doorknob, and he turned to look at me and whistled. I smiled, and spun for his inspection. I blushed.

Bruce walked over to me, and said, "You know, Selina, I bought that bikini, but I always thought it was a little too racy to wear at the neighborhood pool. But I, err, you look great in it!"

"Thanks, Bruce. It just seemed to call to me..." I walked over to the full-length mirror and admired myself in pale green crochet knit. I adjusted the tiny sarong skirt over the thong bottom, and saw Bruce's gaze in the mirror. I grinned at him, and he swallowed. 

"It matches your eyes..." he offered weakly.

"I know." I smiled at him, and took his arm.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Bruce stepped into the bubbling hot tub, and inhaled sharply when the bottom of his suit hit the water. He carefully settled in, as I walked over the redwood deck and opened a set of curtains.

"Oh, my! That's a beautiful view!" He said of the view of nighttime Gotham. 

I admired it for a minute, too. Untying the sarong, I tossed it on a wooden bench, and entered the tub myself. I asked, "Better than me?" Bruce held out his arms, and I entered the water, and nestled into them, ignoring the spike of pain from my nipples as they hit the hot water. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"So what are your plans for tomorrow?" Bruce asked.

I snuggled into his arm and looked at the city lights, and the lights on the Kane Bridge into Gotham. After a moment, I answered, "Shopping, you know. I've got to get some new clothes for work. I think some of what Selina has is suitable, but I'll need more."

"Where were you going?"

"I was thinking of that new mall in Bristol."

He grunted and touched my hair. "Get your hair done. The ends are too ragged from that acid. Shrenk's has a new beauty salon there." He sighed, and then asked, "Do you find this as weird as I do?"

I snorted. "Of course. A few days ago, I was Bruce Wayne, a multibillionaire, captain of industry, and The Batman. Now, I'm Selina Kyle, a criminal, out on bond, and The Catwoman. Sitting in a hot tub, wearing a bikini, with your arm around me. I don't see how it can get any weirder."

He nodded. "Not to mention the fact that we seem to have developed some sort of mental telepathy, and that we both have a... hobby of running around the city in skin-tight costumes, fighting other people in costumes." He ran his finger down my jaw, and added, "Why couldn't we be people that sit at home with their families and watch TV?" 

I sighed, and said, "We've both heard that calling to put on those skin-tight costumes, crawl around on rooftops a hundred stories up, and protect those people watching TV." I shifted to turn and look at Bruce. "What makes you nervous about this? I've felt it in the back of your mind, but it's not defined enough for me to read it."

"Well, you pinned it down. Now, I'm Bruce Wayne. Thousands of jobs and millions of dollars ride on the decisions I make. What about you?"

"The nerves anyone gets when they're starting a new job. Can I do it?" I replied. 

"I'm sure you can." ::Remember, each of us is only a thought away::

::I know. Still:: I looked at Bruce, and asked, "How have you been sleeping?"

"Very well, thanks. Why do you ask?"

I slowly replied, "For the first time in years, I haven't had the nightmare. The one where my parents were murdered in front of me." I was hoping you hadn't inherited it."

Bruce sucked in a breath. "People have always wondered what drove the Bat, what created him. Now I know." After a minute, he added, "I think that would do it." 

I put my arms around Bruce's neck, and stared into his eyes. "When you were Selina, did you have any feelings for Bats?"

He snorted. "Of course. Why? Do you have some for Bruce?"

I rose up a bit and kissed him. "Of course. Shall we see if it's reciprocated?"

### Chapter 5: Of Water and Night


	6. Of Tampons and Beauty

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m. on Sunday morning at Gotham's hit oldies station, WGHO. I'm Patti King, your hostess with the mostest, here with you till noon." Yawning, I slapped the button and sat up. Stretching, I padded into the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good morning, Alfred! How are you this fine morning?" I asked as I strolled into the kitchen. He started to get up, I glared at him with a smile, then poured a cup of tea for him, and another for myself.

"Very well, Miss Selina. You look smashing this morning. Are you ready for your shopping trip with Miss Barbara?"

"I think so, old friend." I sat next to him, and leaned forward. "To tell the truth, I'm a little bit nervous." 

"I wouldn't worry. You'll do wonderfully. I saw Miss Barbara's van pull in on the security monitors. She usually uses the garage entrance. I'd hurry on, if I were you."

I took a gulp of my tea, grabbed my coat and purse, and said, "Thank you, Alfred! I'll give you a call!"

"Ta!" He called as I ran out the door.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I opened the door just as Barbara's wheelchair lift was delivering her to the concrete driveway. 

"Hi, Barbara!" 

"Hello, Selina! Nice to meet you, this way, at least." Barbara grinned. "Is there a ladies' room in that museum? I've really gotta..."

"Sure, it's just up the stairs, and … oh, my. I'm sorry." I looked at Barbara's wheelchair, and the steps under the ceiling, leading to the door in which I stood. I inhaled, and said, "Let me help you."

"Thanks. Dick usually does. Just you and me, girl." Barbara said with a smile. 

I set down my purse and coat, and marched down the stairs. As I grabbed the handles of the wheelchair, I said, "We will have a ramp shortly. I don't know why I didn't ... I'm sorry, I just..." 

"Don't worry. I'm used to it by now." Barbara said as I pulled the chair up the first step. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Y'know, I actually feel sorry for the guys that are in wheelchairs." Barbara said, as we drove down the Interstate.

"How so?" I asked. 

"Well, think about it. A skirt's easier to maneuver in when you've got to use a handicapped stall then a pair of pants. Guys can't wear skirts, however. Pants are much more of a pain, believe me!" She replied with a laugh. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Jeez. Look at this lot. We'll never find a spot." I grumbled.

"Oh, yes we will." Barbara replied. "We've got two advantages, the height of the van, and our little blue friend here." She tapped the handicapped tag dangling from the rear-view mirror. 

"Hey, I see a couple! Down there on the left!" I called. Barbara accelerated toward it, flipping on her turn signal to claim it. With a screech, a red Porsche swerved around us, sliding in and taking up both spaces. A teenage boy jumped out, shot us a raised middle finger, and then strolled away toward the mall entrance. 

"Son of a ... " Barbara said. "Does he have a handicapped sticker? I don't see one." 

"Neither do I. Arrogant little twit. He deserves a lesson, preferably expensive." I said as Barbara turned the corner. About half a mile away, we saw another van pulling out, and managed to get in that space. 

As Barbara was lowering the ramp, she casually asked, "Got a tampon on you?" 

I rummaged through my purse, and said, "Yes, I've got four. Why?" 

"Open one up, and keep it handy, would you?" 

As we navigated through the piles of snow, we came up to the Porsche. Barbara handed me a business card and pen, and asked, "Write down the license number for the little twit, and give me that tampon, would you, Selina?" I moved behind the car, as Barbara stopped next to it. I wrote, as I heard a thunk next to Barbara. She whistled, then wheeled herself away. I looked around, and shoved some snow in the wheelchair marks next to the car. 

As I walked next to Barbara's chair, I silently handed the pen and card back to Barbara, who was whistling 'Jingle Bells'. Barbara tucked them back in her purse, and we entered the mall. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Barbara stopped, and looked at a mall map. Turning, she wheeled away, navigating through the crowds. She stopped at the Information desk, and asked, "Officer? There's a red Porsche taking up two of the handicapped slots out the south door. It doesn't have a handicapped tag on it."

"Yeah? Thanks." He turned back to his conversation with the blonde working the information desk. 

"I wrote down the license plate on one of my father's business cards. Maybe you should check it out, Officer... Malone." Barbara laid the card on the desk next to the tall, redheaded cop, who lazily reached over and picked it up.

"Okay, I'll... Jesus! This is your dad?" The cop choked out. 

"Why, yes. Is there a problem, Officer Malone?" Barbara asked with a smile as she asked the blonde, "Where's the closest ladies' room?" The blonde mutely pointed, as the cop hurried off.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As we waited on line for the ladies' room, I heard the PA announce, "Will the owner of a red Porsche..." The rest was lost in feedback squeal. Barbara said, "I wonder what that's about?" I chuckled.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As I washed my hands, I asked, "So why did you want the tampon? Besides the obvious." 

Barbara chuckled, and said, "Tampons disintegrate in gasoline. They get in the valves, fuel injectors, and other parts of an engine. All I had were pads, and I'm not due to start for another week. You have to pretty much rebuild an engine, and on a Porsche..." 

A tall black girl asked as she brushed her hair, "You talking about that red Porsche they're towing out front? I've seen that little twit that drives it before. I'd like to know how some punk teenager like that can afford it!" 

A redhead applying lipstick paused, and said, "The cops were putting some kid in a patrol car when I came in. There was a wrecker with a red Porsche they were hauling off." She grinned, and added, "You go, girl!"

Barbara said, "Last time someone steals a handicapped spot while I'm around!" People laughed, and made way as we left the ladies' room.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"So what's the plan, girl?" I asked as I pushed her chair.

Barbara sipped her coffee, and replied, "First step is to get your hair done." She looked up at me, and shook her head. "I still don't really believe what Dick told me, but I'll trust him. He told you about my previous, um, career?" I nodded, and she said, "That's primarily why I believe it." She pointed, and said, "I made an appointment for you with Renato. While you're in his clutches, I'll start shopping. Dick didn't know your sizes, but he did give me an estimate." She passed me an index card, and said, "Close?"

I studied them. My height, weight, and dress size were all fairly close. I pulled out a pen, and jotted down my correct figures, including shoe size. I passed the card back to Barbara, who considered it, then tucked it in her purse. She finished her coffee, then tossed the paper cup in a bin. Looking at me, she smiled, and said, "C'mon. Time to introduce you to the world of the beauty salon!"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Babs! Where have you been! It's been ages!" A dark Italian man rushed over to Barbara, and gave her two quick kisses. She smiled at him, and said, "Renato, this is my friend Selina, I told you about her on the phone. She's in desperate need of your talents. We need to give her 'the works'. She's starting a new job on Monday morning, so she has to look her absolute best. I told her there was nobody like you!" 

"But of course!" Renato grabbed my face, turning it this way and that. I managed to smile; wondering why people were seemingly oblivious to the powerful smells emanating from the shop. "Come!" Renato commanded. "Give your coat to Amanda, and we shall begin!" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Oh. Barbara?" I tried to sit up, only to find that my hands were secured to the arms of the chair. I started to pull at them, only to hear a feminine giggle.

"Don't worry, dear. We strapped your hands down when you started to pull at your mud mask. You were having some sort of dream; it must have been terrible! See? The straps come right off!" There was the ripping sound of Velcro (tm), and I could move my arms freely. The voice continued, "You'd think you've never been in a salon before, but you calmed down. I'm Becki. Your friend Babs said that she'd meet you in 90 minutes in the food court for lunch. Finish your nap, that's enough time for me to finish your nails."

### Chapter 6: Of Tampons and Beauty


	7. Of Colonels and Cops

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Between Becki and Renato, I was running about twenty minutes late by the time I got out of the salon. Renato claimed, "Great artistry takes time!" but nevertheless pointed me in the direction of the food court. I tried to hurry through the crowd, but the long coat and heels I wore meant that I was almost forty-five minutes late by the time I arrived. I looked around, and finally saw Dick waving to me. I struggled over to him, and he smiled. 

"Take off your coat and rest a minute, Selina." Dick said. "Lucius isn't here yet, either. Traffic is horrendous. Want something to eat?" 

"Oh, gods, yes! I could eat a whole cow!" I said. 

"Dick, get her some chicken and rice from the Chinese place, with a cup of coffee." Barbara said. Dick turned, and I said, "Dick? Hot tea instead, please?" He nodded, and vanished into the crowds. Barbara said, "You'll have to watch your diet. No more eating like a big man, Selina." 

I nodded. "I've noticed that. My appetite seems to have shrunk." I sighed, and then asked, "Well, how did Renato do?" 

"Pretty good, I think." Barbara said. 

A heavyset black man stopped at our table, and asked, "Ms. Gordon? Ms. Kyle?" We nodded, and he continued, "I'm Lucius Fox. Bruce Wayne asked me to meet you here. Dick said I'd find you over here."

I held out my hand, and said, "Hello, Mr. Fox. I'm Selina Kyle. Did Bruce tell you about what he'd like me to do?" 

"Yes, he did, Ms. Kyle. Ah..." He glanced at Barbara, and I said, "I think that we can trust Commissioner Gordon's daughter to keep a secret or two."

He smiled faintly, and said, "I would think so. In any case, I've run into one of our people that would help us out tremendously. Two of the offices involved in this possible scam are HR and Finance, so... Ah, here she is!" He stood up, and waved to someone. A figure shoved through the crowd, the same tall black girl I had seen in the ladies' room. Lucius stood, and said, "Ms. Kyle, Ms. Gordon, I'd like you to meet Ms. Stephanie Miller, the head of Information Systems for WayneCorp."

"Call me Stef." She said. She sat down next to Lucius, and added, "I saw Tee earlier. I think she'll be useful in this, Lucius."

Barbara said, "Call me Babs. You look very familiar, Stef. I remember seeing something about you a few years ago..."

Stef sighed, and said, "Yes, that was the Miss Gotham contest. I took the prize money and got my degree, instead of buying clothes with it. I was tired of people looking at me like a big-breasted bimbo." She looked around, and then stood up and waved. A tiny Asian girl stopped and set down a large bag from Shreck's department store. Stef said, "Tee, this is Babs Gordon and Selina Kyle. Ladies, this is WayneCorp's head of security, Tamara Misawa." 

Barbara raised her eyebrow, and Lucius said, "Ms. Misawa, or former Lt. Colonel Misawa of the US Marine Corps. We are fortunate to have her." 

"I'm sure." Barbara said. Stef chuckled, and added, "Tee here can kick just about anyone's butt. I'd lay even odds on her against the Bat." Barbara took another look at the diminutive girl, then looked at me.

"The Bat's not someone I'd like to tangle with." Tee said. She sat down, and took a cup of coffee from Dick, who had finally re-appeared. "I understand that Mr. Wayne wants you to help us with our internal theft ring. What are your qualifications, Ms. Kyle?" 

"Well ... " I said with a smile, "I've had a rather lucrative part-time job. You may have heard of my alias, the Catwoman?" 

Tee coughed, spewing coffee. "You want me to clear..." 

"Mr. Wayne does. I agree with his reasons, Ms. Misawa." Lucius said as Dick handed her a stack of napkins.

"Besides, I'm a good kitty now." I said with a smile as I pulled off my gloves and picked up a hot cup of tea. Tee glared at me, then told Lucius, "This is over my protests."

Lucius nodded. "So noted. Mr. Wayne's thoughts were to integrate Ms. Kyle into the pool secretary group. This will give her a reasonable cover while still letting her see what's going on."

Stef said, "Ever work as a secretary, Ms. Kyle?"

"No, but how hard can it be? Typing, filing, answering the phone..." I replied. "By the way, please call me Selina." 

"Well, SELINA, you have no idea." Stef said. "I worked my way through school as a secretary. The prize money was nice, but it didn't pay for all of it. Be ready for abusive bosses, backstabbing, and morons who want you to give them a roll in the hay in order to get what you want." 

"What do you mean by that?" Lucius asked. "There have been no reports of that kind of sexual harassment." 

"No, Lucius. The policy is good, and fair, but my techs have heard, seen, and experienced it and they tell me. People report it to HR, but it gets buried in middle management. One reason I'm on board this little conspiracy is to try to get rid of some of the dead wood there." Stef grimaced, then added, "There's been a couple of middle managers that have even tried to get me demoted and fired. I've held them off because I know where all the bodies are buried, but blackmail can only go so far. I haven't gone to you before because there is no hard evidence, only allegations that wouldn't stand up in court." 

"Joy." Lucius put his head in his hands, sighed, then scrubbed his face and said, "Selina, if you can also come up with any evidence on this, I'd appreciate it. I can just see the lawsuits now." 

"Sure. Any ideas as to how we can do this?" I asked.

"Her cover would be better if she'd been with the company a while." Dick offered.

"No way that's gonna fly with HR. They're part of our target group." Lucius said.

Stef glanced at Lucius, then at Tee, and sighed. "Lucius, Tee, you didn't hear this, you don't know this, total deniability, ok?" They nodded, and she continued, "I can sneak her into both Finance and HR's databases." 

"How? Those are both secure systems!" Tee exclaimed. 

Stef sighed, and said, "Tee, don't ask, and I won't have to lie. You know how I've been harping on securing our systems? Well, some divisions don't see the need. They'd rather it be easy to use, instead of secure. The only way they'll agree is if I pay for it out of my budget, instead of theirs." Stef sighed again, and said, "Lucius, I'd like to add to my wish list an outside audit of Finance." 

"Why?" He asked.

Stef said, "Let me give you an example. I'll give you three guesses what the Administrator password is for their main server." 

"Um. Money?" 

"Got it in one. Same one that they've had for the last 18 months, ever since Waverly went in as head of Finance. He's king of his kingdom, and makes sure that there are no uppity serfs around. Especially one tall, black bitch. But that same uppity bitch, she had better come a' running when he wants something done, now, in person, and no excuses, either." 

"Joy. But he's always so polite at the board meetings." Lucius objected.

"I'm not a member of the board. You are. I'm pond scum to him." Stef said. 

Tee nodded, and said, "He treats my troops like that too. You know Mulligan, first shift at the front desk?" Lucius nodded, and Tee continued, "I've offered him shift command, but he doesn't want it. He likes that slot. Anyway, he was a SEAL in Vietnam, won the Silver Star, the Bronze Star with clusters, the Navy Cross, a couple of Purple Hearts, and the CMOH, but Waverly's treated him like a knuckle-dragger." 

Barbara asked, "CMOH?"

"Congressional Medal of Honor." Tee replied. 

"Look, we can't turn this into a crusade just because you have personality conflicts." Lucius objected. 

"I'm not. If it were just a personality conflict, I could live with it. Waverly's whole attitude just stokes my paranoia, though. It just screams to me 'scam!' I don't have any proof, which is why I want an audit." Stef said, and Tee nodded.

"Okay. Tomorrow, Selina come by the main offices, and tell the guard at the front desk that you have an appointment with me. We'll get the ball rolling." Lucius said. 

"Hold on. I think that still looks suspicious." Dick said. "Unless she's interviewing for an executive slot, she wouldn't see you, Lucius. Selina, why don't you ask for Stef here instead?" 

Stef nodded. "That works. Tee, ask Mulligan to keep an eye out for her, and he'll give you a shout when Selina arrives, and you can take her to your office. You do her passes, and then I'll change what I need to. About eight tomorrow morning ok for everyone?" 

I nodded, and Lucius was about to say something, when I heard a scream, "My purse! He stole my purse!" A young black male shoved through the crowd, a black purse in his hand and a small automatic in the other. Babs twitched her chair into his path, causing him to trip and land on her lap. Babs grabbed the purse, while I yanked the gun out of his hand, flipping the safety and then tossing it onto the table. Tee grabbed it while drawing her own. I held him in a judo hold until Dick got there. He pulled the youth off Barbara's lap onto the floor, and slapped cuffs on him. Dick asked him, "Son, I'm going to tell you your rights, now. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say ... " 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Awright, alright, lemme through, lemme through! Gotham PD, let me through!" Officer Malone broke through the crowd, only to find his perp already at gunpoint. He shoved a woman behind him, and drew his.

"Calm down, Officer." Dick said. "I'm Grayson of the Bludhaven PD, and this is Tamara Misawa, head of WayneCorp security. I did a citizen's arrest. We've got your perp, the evidence, and his weapon. Armed robbery, and battery, if this is the victim. He's been Mirandized in front of witnesses."

"Okay." Malone said as he relaxed a bit. "You got some paper on those weapons?"

"Sure." Dick and Tee holstered their weapons, then Tee passed over her permit and ID, and Dick passed Malone his badge. Malone glanced at them, then holstered his weapon, and said, "Thanks. You were all witnesses? Where's his piece?" 

"Here." Tee said. She handed it to him, and he asked, "Anyone else handle this?" 

"Um. I did, officer. For about five seconds, when I grabbed it from him, to when I passed it to Tee." I said. 

"Okay. What's your name, miss?" He asked.

"Um, officer? As a professional courtesy, I'd really rather you ... overlook that bit in your report." Dick asked. 

"So would I, Officer ... what did you say your name was?" Barbara said. Malone turned and looked at her, and his eyes widened. 

"Well, if I can get the names of the rest of you fine, upstanding citizens, I can see how Ms. Misawa wrestled the weapon away from the suspect." Malone allowed. 

"Yes, she's worth every penny of her salary, and more!" Lucius allowed. 

"Gee, thanks, boss! I could use a raise." Tee said with a laugh. 

While they talked, I walked over to the perp, and knelt next to him. "Know what this means?" I whispered to him, as I showed him a tattoo on my wrist. His eyes widened, he swallowed, and nodded. "Good. I was never here, and you never saw me." He squeezed his eyes shut, and nodded frantically. I patted his head, then strolled back to my seat, and sipped at my now cool tea. Malone finished collecting and distributing business cards, and then knocked a cup of cold coffee onto the receiver and barrel of the perp's gun. "Oops! Sorry about that!" He grabbed a stack of napkins, and quickly dried the gun, then slid it into an evidence bag. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As I pushed Barbara's chair through the mall, she commented, "Things are interesting with you around, Selina." 

"Thanks. I'm just glad the shopping is over." 

"Over? Girl, stop thinking like a man! The fun's just starting!" Barbara laughed. I just groaned theatrically in reply.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We pulled up to the security gate, and Babs rolled down her window to punch the code. With a grunt, she pulled herself back in, and said, "That could be about six inches closer." 

"Sorry. I'll call someone Monday morning." 

"No, SELINA, Alfred will call someone Monday morning. You're going to be at work, remember? Why do you think we've spent the last several hours shopping? Why do you think I've dragged you, fussing all the time, from store to store?" She didn't wait for my reply, but said, "Shopping is FUN, girl! Think of it as ... detective work! It's a challenge to find the best combinations! What's great is that you've got to have several, unless you want to wear that cat suit to work every day." I gave her a look, and she asked as she pulled into the garage, "By the way, whatever happened to the tail on the suit?" 

She pulled up to the door, and leaned forward, looking through the window. Throwing the van into park, she quickly killed the engine, then rolled her chair backward, pounding on the door release, mumbling, "C'mon, C'mon ... " The lift finally deposited her on the driveway. She gazed with awe at the wooden ramps leading from the driveway to the curb and then through some hastily - torn out shrubbery back and forth to reach the doorway. The ramps didn't look like they'd been professionally done, but rather, built by an enthusiastic home handyman. 

"Like it?" Dick called as he came out the door. 

"I love it! Dick, you're the greatest!" Babs said, adding, "Stay there and let me try them out!" As she maneuvered up the ramp, her rubber tires had trouble gripping the surface. She eventually grabbed the wooden handrails, and used them to propel herself up. As Dick walked the last few feet, she reached up and hugged him. 

"Merry Christmas, Babs." Dick told her quietly. Her response was to pull him down for a kiss.

"We shall improve on the design for Ms. Gordon." Alfred quietly said as he appeared behind me. 

I said, "It was still a wonderful thing to do. Did you ...?"

"Master Bruce designed it, and together he and I purchased the materials whilst Master Dick removed the shrubbery. We only finished about an hour ago. We shall need to call someone to install a powered door for Ms. Gordon."

"Not only that, but have someone raise the access keypad for the gates about six inches or so. It's a stretch for Barbara to reach it." Alfred nodded, and said, "I shall see to it, Miss Selina. Did you enjoy your shopping trip?"

I sighed and touched my head. "The Selina part of me did. The Bruce part thought it was incredibly boring. I'm surprised that Barbara put up with me."

### Chapter 7: Of Colonels and Cops


	8. Of Security and Beowulf

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m., and a good, frosty Monday morning to all of you from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO. I'm Shawna Foxx, getting you up out of your cozy den, and heading into work! So get your paw off that snooze button and pour yourself a cup of your favorite wake-up beverage! I'll be here with you till ten, but now we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report." I yawned, sat up, and stretched, then padded into the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good morning, Miss Selina. You're looking smashing this morning!" 

"Thank you, Alfred, but I'm running late. I, err, Bruce never realized how much work it takes to look good in the morning, especially with pantyhose!" 

"Even so, you still look fabulous. You have twenty minutes to make your train, the station wagon at the far end is ready for you." He gave me a pair of keys, and fished a paper bag out of the refrigerator. 

"Thank you, Alfred!" I looked at the bag, and he offered, "Your lunch, Miss Selina."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I hurried through the revolving doors of WayneCorp at 8:13, and waited for the desk guard to finish dealing with the fellow in front of me. He moved away, and I said, "Hello. I'm Selina Kyle. I have ... 

The burly black guard said with a smile, "An appointment. Running a bit late, aren't we?" I opened my mouth, and he grinned, and said, "Don't worry about it. This weather's got the Metro even later than normal." He handed me a clipboard and pass, and said, "Sign in, please, with the tag number." 

I handed him back the clipboard, then pulled the pass's chain over my head. With a smile, I fluffed my hair, and said, "Thanks. Is there a ladies' room ... "

He pointed, and said, "Right over there, Ms. Kyle."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked out of the ladies' room, and saw a tall, skinny black man in an expensive suit browbeating the guard. I wasn't able to hear what was being said, but the look the guard shot at the suit's retreating back was pure rage. I stopped at the desk, and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mulligan." 

"He will be, Jonas. My word on it." Tee said. I glanced at her.

"Thank you, Colonel Misawa." Mulligan said. "And you, Ms. Kyle." Jonas took a deep breath, and said, "I'll pray for Mr. Waverly's soul tonight, along with my own."

"You're a good man, Jonas Mulligan." Tee said. 

"Not good enough to keep the anger from my heart." Jonas said. "I'm working on it, though." He took another breath, and said, "Colonel, Ms. Kyle here has an appointment upstairs. Could you escort her to Information Systems, please?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Tee pushed the up arrow, and said, "Stef and I came up with a few revisions last night." Other people walked up to wait for the elevator. We entered, and Tee slid her access card through the pass-slot, then pushed the button for the 21st floor. As the elevator rose, we waited in silence until the car stopped. We entered a small lobby, and Tee waved at the redheaded girl behind the glass. She swiped her card through the reader again, and held the gate for me as it buzzed. She walked down a short corridor, then turned right, where the sign on the wall stated "Security", instead of left, toward "Information Systems". She punched buttons on door locks, blocking my view with her body, then held the door again, and said, "Welcome to my home away from home, Ms. Kyle. By the way, your bag is leaking."

"Ah ... fudge." I said. Tee chuckled as she led me into an office. She passed me a wastebasket; I extracted Alfred's lunch from the bottom of my purse, where I had stashed it. Extracting the can of tea, I dropped the leaky mess into the plastic can, then said, "Where can I ..." 

"Ladies' room is down the hall and to the right. You've also got a stain on your skirt. If you hurry, it won't show." Tee said. "Give me your purse, and go clean up. I'll call Stef and have her meet us."

"Great. This is starting out to be ... " I said.

"It's Monday. What did you expect?" Tee smiled, and said, "Go. I'll clean up your purse and see you in a minute." I sighed, and passed it over.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I was leaning awkwardly forward, trying to reach the stain, when a strawberry blonde came in. She looked at me, and said, "Ooh. Nasty stain. What's it from?"

"It was lunch. Now ... " I replied, dabbing at the stain.

"Well, you're not going to get at it properly like that. Step out of your skirt, and let me have a crack at it." I blinked at her, but she had turned away to wet a paper towel, and was working hand soap into it. I reached behind me, and undid the snap, and pulled the zipper down. Stepping out of it, I handed it to her. She examined it, rubbing the material between her fingers briefly and nodding, before flipping it over and laying it on the sink. She bent over it, and I saw the holstered gun at the small of her back. I saw myself in the mirror, cream-colored bodysuit and pale rose sweater under a dark gray jacket, black pantyhose and boots beneath. I looked at her, dressed in a checked shirt, jeans, denim jacket, and sensible boots, with her hair pulled into a ponytail. 

"There we are!" She held up the skirt, and added, "You don't want a nice skirt like that ruined by mayo and mustard. That outfit must have cost you two, three hundred bucks." She turned back to dry the counter, and then laid the skirt back on it. She started to wave one of the hairdryers plugged into the wall over it, and casually asked, "Just starting today?"

"Um. Yes. How did you know?" I asked.

"Well, a couple of things." She turned to meet my eyes, and said, "All new employees go through here to get their pictures and prints for their access badges. You weren't with the last herd, though, and today's crowd doesn't start until one. Second, I recognized your tat. Very few people have a cat on their wrist. Especially women about your height and build, and with your hair." She switched off her hair dryer, and moved her hand back toward the gun. 

"May I?" I nodded toward the skirt, and she took a couple steps away from it, still with her hand on the butt of the gun. I took a step toward it, looked at the area of the stain, and felt it. It was almost dry, so I stepped into it, smoothing my skirt over the bodysuit, then pulling the end of the sweater into position. I looked at her, and said, "Thanks." 

"You're welcome, Ms. Catwoman. If you're finished, I think you'd better meet the Colonel. I'm sure she's going to want to say hello to you." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The girl took my elbow in a familiar 'come along' grip, and walked me back up the corridor to Tee's office. She knocked, then waited a minute until she heard "Come in." Opening the door, she motioned me in. 

Tee looked up, with Stef sitting in a visitor's chair. She smiled, and said, "What can I do for you, Melinda?"

"Colonel, I met this young lady in a secured area, and I thought that you should know about it. I've identified her as the Catwoman." 

Stef grinned, and Tee said, "You're right, she is. However, she's also working for us right now, on a rather delicate assignment. I'd appreciate you're not saying anything about this to anyone." Melinda opened her mouth, surprise on her face, then closed her mouth and nodded. She turned to go, and Tee added, "Melinda? Good job." A smile crossed her face, she nodded to me, and left me inside, closing the door behind her. Tee smiled, and said, "She's a good troop." Looking at me, she asked, "How did she identify you?" 

"My height and build, my hair, and the tattoo on my wrist." I answered. I held my wrist up, and Tee grunted and nodded. Stef asked, "I assume that you don't want it removed?" 

"I'd rather not."

"I agree. It gives us more options." Tee said. She shoved back in her chair and put her feet up, and said, "I assume that you've never worked for WayneCorp before, Ms. Kyle?" I shook my head, and she said, "I thought so. We searched a few databases last night, and although we came up with a half dozen close matches, none were you. In kicking the problem around, Stef and I think it would be best for you to go through the usual in processing that any new hire gets. Lucius didn't indicate any immediacy to this, so this will give you a chance to get accustomed to our corporate culture, you can get used to working as a secretary for a month or so, then we can quietly shift you into the pool secretary group." 

"It will also give you a chance to do more digging on me." I said with a smile. "Find anything interesting in my purse, Colonel?" 

"I would have figured you for Chanel instead of Elizabeth Arden, Ms. Kyle." Tee reached down and pulled my purse off the floor, tossing it on her desk. "No guns, no poison gas, not even a romance novel. Boring, Ms. Kyle, very boring." 

"Sorry to disappoint you. Tomorrow I'll bring in an atomic bomb." I smiled. 

Stef chuckled and said, "Tee, remember about a year or so ago, the research intern?" 

"Oh, yeah. He was seriously pissed when we confiscated his bomb. What was he gonna do, carry it on the train?" Tee replied. 

I blinked, and said, "You're joking, right?"

"Nope. He was a junior physics major out at Gotham U. Built it out of common household parts, really nice job of it too. Fit in a backpack. Couldn't afford the current street price of uranium, though. Good thing he left his notes on the system. I hope it's the last A-bomb I run across. We did write his professor a nice letter, though. I understand he passed that course." Tee said. She stood up, and said, "Let me get your picture and prints for the ID, then you can fill out the usual paperwork, and we can sneak you into the system." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Oh, jeez. My wrist is sore." I said as I knocked on Tee's doorframe. She chuckled, and said, "The HR people do love their forms." She held out her hand, and riffled through the forms. She pulled out a legal pad, and made some notes. Looking at me, she said, "I'm giving you a fairly clean bill of health. You've had two speeding tickets in the last three years, and of course no arrests or jail time. Get some glasses to disguise your face, someone might recognize you from the TV of your release from jail last week. You're divorced, bad breakup, you don't want to talk about it. That's why you're late entering the workforce, you've been a stay at home mom until he ran off with his secretary. One daughter, he got custody. Some of this I can do; some of it Stef's going to have to work her digital magic on. If you wait a minute, I'll go scan these in, then you can walk these over to Stef." I nodded, and settled into a chair. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Tee came back with Melinda. She handed me an interoffice envelope, and a photo ID with my picture on it. I handed the guest pass to her, and she said, "Melinda, please show our guest to Stef's office in the IS department. Of course, she was never here." 

Melinda said, "Of course, Colonel." She looked at me, and said, "C'mon, Ms. 'person who was never here'." I grabbed my purse, and said, "After you."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We pushed through some double doors, and into a room with a short ramp going up to an elevated floor. The girl at the desk glanced at us, and Melinda said, "We need to see Ms. Miller." She nodded, and raised one finger in a 'wait one' gesture. She said into her headset mike, "WayneCorp Information Systems, please hold." She touched a button on her phone, and said, "Stef, two people to see you." She nodded, and gestured to a pair of worn chairs. "WayneCorp Information Systems, thanks for holding, how can I help you?" 

I heard the click of heels, and Stef came walking down the ramp, wearing a tan suit. She nodded to Melinda, who left us. She waved at the receptionist, then escorted me up the ramp. As we walked, I noticed the elevated temperature. Stef saw the fine beads of perspiration, and said, "We've gotten used to the heat. It's worse when the air conditioning fails in the summer. We get away with it because of the mainframe, but it's scheduled to be retired, and the bean counters don't realize it's liquid cooled, anyway."

"What will you be replacing it with?" I asked as I fanned myself with the envelope. 

"We've got a Beowulf cluster that we're testing now. It's in beta, only six hundred nodes so far; we're moving some of the research to it, cross-referenced to the IBM. It also makes a helluva game server!" Stef said with a grin. She moved toward a window, and I saw racks of black and white boxes with blinking lights, thin orange cables strung between them. A monitor sat on a desk, the Windows symbol with the 'not allowed' over it as a screensaver bouncing around. 

"Beowulf?" I asked. 

"Sure. Don't know why it's called that, but it gives the performance of a supercomputer for about a ten thousandth of the cost. Of course, we had a religious war between the BSD demons and the Linux heathens, but that worked out." Stef said. She started to walk, and added, "We got the hardware for about a grand per box, so all those nodes in there cost about the same as a few months of coolant for old Bessie there." She gestured through a window at a massive collection of gray boxes. Someone opened a door to a room, I could hear shouting, and make out on it a laser-printed sign in a gothic font, "Helldesk. Abandon hope, ye who enter!" 

"C'mon." Stef moved off, and I followed her. I passed a wide open door with another laser-printed sign, this one proclaiming it 'Miller's body & fender shop'. I heard a 'zap', and saw a tech with an open monitor, others behind him. Across from him, a computer was being lifted onto a bench. Rock music competed with jazz and country. 

"My office is in with the programmers. It's relatively quiet there." Stef commented. I nodded to myself. This place was well-organized chaos. I followed her through another door, and into a warren of cubicles. I entered a door, and Stef smoothed her skirt and sat down, waving me to a battered couch. I gave her the envelope, smoothed my skirt, and sat down.

"Okay. Let's see what Tee's done. Goody, she's got the file number here. Makes it much easier. Hmm." Stef read silently for a few minutes, then said, "In order to give you the access that Lucius needs, I'm going to have to make you god." I looked at her, and she clarified herself. "I mean that you're going to be in the 'wheel' group, in addition to being an ordinary user. You'll have the same access to files that I do. I don't care who you are, God help you if you screw up my systems, and I WILL know. You'll be able to, with this level of access. Bruce Wayne himself doesn't have this access, even though he thinks he does. Now then, what kind of Unix experience do you have?"

### Chapter 8: Of Security and Beowulf


	9. Of HR and Tea

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, I think you'll do all right. Remember, this level of access is only for use when you need to see something you normally couldn't. The password changes every day." Stef passed me a sealed envelope, and said, "That's the next two week's passwords in there. Shred them when you finish with them. We'll work out some way for you to be updated once we know where you're working." 

"Send me an email?" I asked.

She nodded. "That would work. It would have to be an encrypted email. You do remember your encryption pass phrase and email address?"

I smiled. "It's skyle at waynecorp.net, right?" 

She nodded, and glanced at her monitor. Stef tapped some keys, and added, "It's eleven. Let's go grab a bite, and I'll show you the lunchroom. We've both got a meeting at one." I grabbed my purse, and stuffed the envelope of paperwork into it. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As we waited for the elevator, Stef remarked, "Most of WayneCorp's buildings follow an informal tradition of putting workout facilities on the top floor, lunchroom and medical on the second floor, and a daycare on the third. It's nice to be able to look out the window at the scenery when you're sweating on a treadmill. If Medical agrees, you can take a paid hour before or after lunch to work out. Some people don't eat lunch at all, they just go and work out." She looked at me, and said, "I'll bet you're an aerobics fan, aren't you?"

"Primarily for flexibility." I replied. "But I prefer running and martial arts. I've got black belts in a couple of different ones." The elevator dinged, and we entered.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

In accordance with elevator etiquette, we stayed silent during the ride to the second floor. I followed Stef through a set of double doors, where she swiped her ID through a gate. I followed, and asked, "Why the security on a lunchroom?"

Stef looked uncomfortable, and said, "It's not primarily security. A few years ago, the Joker got loose, and gassed one of our smaller facilities. We had a tough time identifying the bodies from skeletal remains. This way, we at least know who's in a room if, well..." 

"Oh. Well, you know I've never killed anyone." 

"I know. Can we change the subject?" She motioned, and said, "Soup and salad bar, and the hot line for lunch. What's your pleasure?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Ah. Nothing like hot soup on a cold day." I said. I looked out the window, and added, "Snowing again. Great. Six blocks of icy sidewalks to the train station. Why did I wear heels?"

"For the same reason every woman does, Selina." Stef commented. She grinned, and said, "I normally don't wear a suit and heels to work, but I'll be on the platform giving an introduction to all you newbies. Department heads set the dress code for their departments, but HR is trying to standardize everyone. Can you imagine my techs having to wear suits, or the guys in shipping wearing ties?" She snorted, and said, "It's tough enough to get my guys to wear company golf shirts and decent jeans! At least my girls go along with that." 

"Well, you look good." I mentioned.

"Thanks. Does help to be a former beauty pageant winner." She grinned, and looked at her watch, then stood and took her tray to the far wall, with the conveyer belt. I followed her, and she mentioned, "Finish your tea. You'll need the caffeine to stay awake while Annalisa is talking."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I followed the signs on the 42nd floor to H.R.'s auditorium. I wasn't the last to enter, but close. I signed in on the clipboard, wondering why they didn't do a card swipe like just about every other place in the building. I found a place, and saw Stef and Tee on the podium with other people, already looking bored. Behind me, I heard the doors swing shut.

An immensely obese woman plopped herself down behind the podium, and started to speak. There must have been something wrong with the microphone, as it gave the 'fingernails on a blackboard' squeal, which she seemed to be immune to. She said in a monotone, "Good afternoon, everyone. I am Annalisa Brown, the head of your Human Resources department. I'd like to welcome everyone to WayneCorp. Let me start with a brief overview of the company ..."

### Chapter 9:Of H.R. and Tea


	10. Of Subways and Gentlemen

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Annalisa finally wound down at 7:40 p.m., only giving me fifteen minutes to make the six blocks and the last train. Her final comment was "I see that we're running out of time, so I'll close. I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to hear our other exciting speakers. Please come by your Human Resources department later to discover the other thrilling benefits available at WayneCorp." There was a scramble of people assembling themselves, and a rush out the door. 

By the time I got downstairs and signed out, I had barely five minutes to run the six blocks. I had three to go, and was waiting at a corner when I saw Annalisa drive past in a new Mercedes SUV. She hit a pothole and splashed snow and slush on someone. The light changed, and I started across, only to be grabbed and pulled back as a long black Cadillac wheeled around the corner on its way to the freeway. I looked up into the face of an older black man, and said, "Thanks." 

"You're welcome, young lady." He grinned at me, and said, "I think it's safe to cross, if we hurry."

As we dashed across the street, I said, "I've got about five minutes to make the # 23 train."

"Well, then, we'd best hurry, missy." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We hurried down the stairs to the local train platform, only to see the ticket window closing. I knocked on the window, and said, "I need a ticket for the number 23 train." 

"Twenty three's come and gone, lady." I looked at the clock, which read 7:56. 

"Damn." 

"Now, no call for that kind of language, young lady." The older fellow said. "Where you headin' to tonight?" 

"My car's at the Parkhurst station, and for once the Metro is early!" I told him in frustration. 

"No need to get all excited. It'll be there. Take the 41 to Three corners, then the Grey line to Parkhurst station."

I nodded. "Thanks." I thought for a minute, and studied a transit map on the wall. "That means I'll be going all the way south, then around the island to Parkhurst." I exhaled, and added, "That means I'll be getting home about ten." 

"More likely eleven to Parkhurst. You're welcome to ride with me to Three Corners." 

"I accept." I held out my hand. "Selina."

He bowed over it. "A lovely name for a lovely young woman. Charles."

I giggled. I couldn't help it. "Thank you, Charles." I motioned to the ticket window. "How am I going to..." 

Charles showed his annual pass for the Metro. "Allow me." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Charles was refusing to take a seat until I had one. After two stops, a pregnant girl got on, and looked around for a seat. I stood up, and motioned to her. She sank into the seat with a sigh, and a nod of thanks. I smiled at her, and hung on to the strap as the car went around a bend and sighed into a station. Two young punks with gang jackets got on, immediately focusing on me. I looked around, and saw that I was the only white woman in the car. I pulled my purse across my head and ignored them. Charles saw them, and muttered, "Punks. I'll protect you, Miss Selina." 

One of them strolled over to me, and sneered, "Bitch. You gonna come with us. You gonna par-tay with the Demon Boyz." 

I looked at him, and snorted, "Not a chance, twerp."

Charles said, "Look here, you young punk. Leave the lady alone, or you'll deal with me."

The punk looked at Charles, barked a short laugh, and turned to regard me. He grabbed my hair, and said, "Bitch, you're gonna get fucked until cum runs out your nose." 

I looked at him, smiled, and then said, "Sounds like fun, but I don't think you know how, little boy." He snarled, and pulled me close, mashing his mouth on me while his free hand groped my breast. The pregnant girl screamed, and I stomped his foot with a heel while touching the pressure points on his dirty neck. He dropped like a rock, and I spun and hit the other one with a foot to the abdomen, and a woman clipped him with her purse. He staggered, and Charles laid him out with a right cross. I straightened, and said, "My hero! Thanks." The car burst into applause as I kissed him.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Charles escorted me to the proper platform for the Grey line, and made sure I got on it. I waved, and blew a kiss to him as it pulled out of the station, then settled back for the long ride to Parkhurst. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

There was over a foot of fresh snow as I walked toward the parking lot. Only a few dim lamps shone, illuminating the lumps that were the parked cars. I stopped for a moment, searching for mine, finally finding it under a burned out lamp. I brushed off enough snow with my hands to get into it, then started the engine and defroster, taking out the ice scraper and brush.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I stopped, and rolled down the window to punch the code, only to have snow blow in to land in my lap. I stretched up to reach the keypad, and the snow slid down my skirt, pantyhose, and into my left boot. The gate didn't open, and I punched it again. I frowned, and tried a third time. Frustrated, I beeped the horn. Alfred must have heard me, or perhaps he was watching, because the gate slowly opened. I quickly rolled the window back up, to get out of the icy wind.

"At least the concrete's dry, even if I'm not." I told myself as I hurried up the ramp towards the garage door. I stopped to grin at the wooden ramp, noticing that someone had added no-skid strips to it. I pulled out my ring of keys, and started to sort through them. A gentle "Ahem." and I looked up to see Alfred holding the door for me.

"Thank you, Alfred, you're a lifesaver!" I told him. 

"Indeed, Ms. Selina, I have been called such." He told me with a smile. He nodded to my key ring, and added, "It is the gold key with the triangular top." 

"Thanks. Do you know why the gate code didn't work?"

"Oh, dear. The alarm company must have reset it. I shall reprogram it immediately."

I laid a hand on his arm, and said, "Leave it for now. Right now, I want a warm bath and twelve hours of sleep." 

"A warm bath is an excellent idea, but you must be at work at eight tomorrow morning. I'm afraid that will only leave you six hours at most, Ms. Selina." He added, "Master Bruce returned home at four, had a workout and a quick meal, and retired early." He motioned inside, and asked, "Shall I assist you in drawing your bath?" 

### Chapter10: Of Subways and Gentlemen


	11. Of Tuesdays and Thugs

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m., and a frozen Tuesday morning to all of you from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO. I'm Shawna Foxx, getting you up, up, up out of your cozy den! Get your paw off that snooze button! I'll be here with you till ten, but now we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report." I started awake, and realized that I had fallen asleep in the tub. "Oh, god." I told myself, then stepped out to dry myself, looked at my pruned skin, and sighed. I pulled the drain plug, then stretched and walked to the toilet. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good morning, Ms. Kyle, Ms. Miller."

I looked at Stef, and with a grin, we chorused, "Good Morning, Mr. Mulligan." Stef chuckled, and I grinned. "How are you, Mr. Mulligan?" I asked.

"The Lord has seen fit to grace us with another beautiful day, Praise be to him. I hope you ladies have a wonderful day." He replied.

Stef echoed, "Amen to that, Jonas, and the same to you, my friend." She turned to me, and asked, "Selina, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be downtown."

"Oh, jeez. I missed the train last night, and ..."

"Don't sweat it. You had to fill out some last minute stuff with HR. We have an informal pool going on how long Annalisa's going to talk every time. We never get to, but we still have to be up there on the platform. So far, she hasn't developed laryngitis yet, although there's hope. Unfortunately, she sets the agenda." 

We paused before the elevators, and I mentioned, "I saw you and Tee up there, you both looked bored silly." 

"I was. I can't even play a game on my Palm Pilot(tm), it makes too much noise. Tee had an earpiece and was listening to something, but all you can do is sit there, look politely interested, and think of all the other stuff you need to do." 

"What about a radio or something?" I asked.

"I can't do that, I've got to be doing something." Stef answered. "I'd love to take my laptop, but..." 

The elevator dinged, and we got on. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Stef stopped in the lobby, and motioned me to the gate. I shrugged, and swiped my badge. With a buzz, I pushed through, holding it for Stef. She swiped her badge, the gate buzzed, and I followed her down the corridor to IS. She stopped at the reception desk, and asked the girl, "Amber, anything going down to the Three Corners office? Ms. Kyle here needs a lift." 

Amber popped her gum, and said, "Joanie was taking some monitors, a few machines and a laser down with some supplies." She looked at me, and said, "You mind helpin' her? They're heavy." I shook my head, and said, "Not at all."

Amber grinned, and said, "Good. I think she's got one more load. She just took one down to the number five van, she should be back in a minute." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As we waited at a light, Joanie said, "What's your story, Ms. Kyle? How'd you come to work for Wayne?" 

"I'm just your typical divorcee who needs a job." I replied. "He got everything, including custody, and he's not paying alimony." I grinned at her, and said, "Take my advice, and never marry an attorney. I can't afford one, and I needed a job, so ..." I asked, "What about you?"

Joanie drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, then replied. "I was a runaway from Chicago, living on the streets and selling myself for my habit. I was being gang-raped when the Bat came by, kicked their butts, and gave me a hand up." She ran a hand through her blonde hair, and continued, "The Bat saved my life, not once, but twice. Once in that alley, and then he kicked my butt to get my head on straight. I got my GED, and then WayneTech sponsored me at Gotham U. Why Mr. Wayne would help to pay for a burned out, addicted, two bit whore's education, I don't know." She paused, then whispered, "I just know that I'd like to thank him, and the Bat." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, here we are! This is the Three Corners office. She waved to the elderly guard, and the gate in the high chain link fence rolled back. She drove into the fenced parking lot, backing up to a set of loading docks. I saw a trash truck drive in behind us, and maneuver toward the first Dumpster. I was getting my things together, when I heard a gunshot. 

"Oh, my God!" Joanie ran out of the van, toward three Hispanic youths that were running into the lot. Another leaned over the elderly guard, smoke coming from the muzzle of his gun. I dropped my purse and followed. 

"You asshole! You shot him! Why'd you do that?" Joanie screeched at the shooter. While she cursed him and tried to stop the bleeding, I managed to sneak up on two of them, both of who had stopped to watch the screaming blonde. I grabbed them, and tried to slam their heads together, but they just shook it off. They grinned, and separated. 

"You boys aren't from around here, are you?" I looked at them, and smiled as I assumed a defensive stance. One was wearing a Yankee's jacket, another an Islander's cap. 

"We heard Gotham was a tough town, bitch. So far, you're the first one to give us a fight. What a wimpy ass, pussy place." 

I grinned at them, as the three of them started to circle with me. The fourth was fully occupied with Joanie, who was throwing kicks and punches at him. He had apparently forgotten he had a gun. The two trash guys were hanging back, watching the four of us circle. I stopped, and changed my stance, and the trash guys grabbed one of the thugs, pulling his gun away, then they started to beat him.

"Well, then, surely you big, tough New Yorkers should be able to take a skirt like me." I challenged them. "After all, you owe me something." 

"You bet we do, bitch." They rushed me, and I kicked the first one where all men are vulnerable. I dropped, spun, and kicked the other one's head. He shook his head, then roared and charged me. I turned and helped him along into the side of a parked van, leaving a nasty dent. He dropped face first into the dirty snow, and lay still. The second had staggered to his feet, and was shakily aiming his gun at me. He was hit by a snowball on the side of the head, which enabled me to pull the gun away, and knee him again in the groin. He collapsed with a moan, and I turned and looked at Joanie. She was grinding her thug's face into a slush puddle while he struggled feebly. 

"Welcome to Gotham City." One of the trash guys told the unconscious thugs.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

With a screaming siren, the ambulance pulled away. I looked at the cops again, as they were putting their gear away. Someone had watched the fight, and called the cops. Detective Bullock moved his match to the other side of his mouth, than spat it out and stuck a fresh one in. He asked, "So, where are they?"

"Who, the New York garbage?" Joanie asked, a bandage covering the cut on her temple.

"Yeah, those out of town idiots." Detective Montoya asked.

"We, um, secured them for you." One of the trash guys said. He motioned, and the two detectives followed him to the still-idling truck. He grinned at his buddy, and then asked loudly, "George, I keep forgetting, which one opens, and which one crushes?" He winked at us. I grinned back. He was a mean shot with snowballs, especially those with rocks in them.

"I keep forgetting, Pete. Labels have worn off, too. Why don't you keep trying the different ones until we find out?" A scream from inside the truck, and another, different one when George played with the levers, producing a grinding sound from inside the truck's compactor. Bullock chuckled, Montoya grinned, and said, "Okay, guys, let them out." 

"Aw, gee, Officer, we just doin' our job, getting' rid of the trash." Pete said. George worked the levers again, and we heard wails and screaming in rapid Spanish. Bullock was laughing now, and Montoya said something in Spanish that I couldn't make out over the truck's noise. George flicked the levers again, and said, "A confession? You really think so, Detective?" Another flick of the levers, and screaming in English and Spanish continued from the truck. Bullock was laughing so hard he had to hold on to the sides of the truck for support. George flicked the levers once more, and then finally opened the rotating hopper of the truck. In with the apple cores, banana peels, dirty diapers, eggshells, and other trash were the four New Yorkers, hands and feet securely bound with Joanie's plastic wire ties. Detective Montoya wrinkled her nose, and said, "Phew. Apestan!" (Phew. They stink!) 

"We'll hose 'em off for you, Officer." Pete offered, motioning to the coiled hose on the side of the truck. George played with the levers again, and the New Yorkers struggled in the garbage. 

"I appreciate it, but the LT might be upset if they caught pneumonia. Still, it is your truck ... " 

"Okay." Pete uncoiled the hose and started to spray water on the steel drum. It ran down, and the four New Yorkers could feel the icy liquid with their bound hands. One of them begged, "Oficial, por favor, confesamos! Lo hicimos! Por favor, solamente llevanos lejos de estos basureros locos! (Officer, please, we confess! We did it! Please, just get us away from these crazy garbagemen!) 

"Esta usted seguro? (Are you sure?)" Montoya asked. 

"Sí, estamos seguros! Por favor, saquenos de aquí antes de que nos maten! (Yes, yes, we're sure! Please, get us out of here before they kill us!)" 

Sergeant Montoya sighed. "Si estas seguro, ahora. (If you're sure, now.)" She waited until Pete and George had hauled them out, and they'd been cuffed and searched, before continuing, "Ahora, déjeme decirle sobres sus derechos. (Now, let me tell you about your rights.)" 

### Chapter 11: Of Tuesdays and Thugs


	12. Of Bosses and Booze

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, things are certainly ... fun with you around, Selina." Joanie said as I helped her move a large laser printer onto a cart. 

"A girl's got to have some excitement in her life." I replied sweetly. I stretched to remove the crick in my back, and looked around the room. A set of large racks in cabinets like I'd seen uptown were covered with blinking lights. I nodded at them, and asked, "What are they?"

"Mr. Wayne sublets this building to some city agencies. He provides network and Internet services through WayneTech." Joanie nodded at the racks, and continued, "The first one is ours, of course." She motioned to the others, and said, "The others are Legal Aid, the DA's office, and the Public Defender. They're on the first and second floors, respectively. The others are county heath department, Building inspector, and our Public Assistance office is on the fourth floor, along with the shared gym and lunchroom." She stacked a couple of boxes of supplies on top of the laser, then said, "C'mon. I'll introduce you to Mrs. Harris, your new boss."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Mrs. Harris!" Joanie called. A middle-aged black woman paused on coming out of the ladies' room, and said, "Yes, Joan?" 

"Mrs. Harris, this is Selina Kyle. She's just starting work here today." Joanie said.

"Ms. Kyle. I understand you and Joan helped Pyotr earlier today." Joanie scuffed her feet, suddenly looking ten years old, when Mrs. Harris continued, "I'd like to thank the both of you. Pyotr is a sweet man, and I hope he'll pull through." 

Joanie answered, "The paramedics thought he would, but because of his age, they wanted to make sure. That's why they took him down to General." 

Mrs. Harris smiled, and said, "Well, we're getting a card and some flowers together for him." 

Joanie looked up, and said with a smile, "I'd like to take it to him, if that's ok." 

"I think that would be wonderful, child." She smiled, and Joanie moved away. Mrs. Harris looked at me, and said with a frown, "And you, child. Taking on two of them by yourself." She tisk'd, and said, "In the future, I hope you don't repeat that kind of thing." 

"I'll try not to, ma'am." I promised. 

"Good. Now, then. You're going to start out at the reception desk, learning where everyone and everything is. Clarissa will explain it all. Now, let me show you where you can put your coat."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"What a day. I'm glad it's over." I told Clarissa. 

"Slow day, actually. You'll get the hang of it." She told me. "You did well. Have you done this before?" 

"No, I haven't. When I was married, I didn't have to work, and now that I'm divorced, my degree from Gotham U isn't worth much." I pulled my heels off, and padded over to the closet that we stored our stuff in. I held the door for Helen, the other receptionist, and added, "Now I catch the train back to my apartment, get dinner, feed my cats, and collapse into bed."

"Shame. We usually take the new girl out for a drink her first night." Helen added. 

"Well, I really do need to catch my train..."

"C'mon. I'll drive you to your station. Where's your car?" Clarissa asked.

"Parkhurst. But ..." 

"Girl, you helped save Pyotr's life earlier. The very LEAST we can do is to buy you a drink." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"So tell me, Selina. I saw you fightin' those guys. You ever run into the Bat?" Helen slurred. 

"Not the Bat, no. I've run into Robin, err, what's he calling himself now? Nightwing?" I looked at her over my glass of vodka, and added, "I've run into the Cat, too. Both of 'em got nice butts." 

"Damn, girl, I didn't know you went that way." Clarissa said. 

"A nice butt is a nice butt, no matter who it's on." I said. I stood up, or tried to, and signaled the waiter. He came over, and I dug into my purse. "Could you call a cab for the three of us, please? I don't think we should drive."

"I was about to cut you off. What were you celebrating?" He asked.

"Selina here saved a guy's life this morning. She helped to beat off some thugs." Clarissa said.

"Ah. In that case, let me call you ladies a cab, and I'll buy you all some coffee." He disappeared. A few minutes, the manager came by, and said, "I understand you ladies helped to save a man's life today."

Helen waved in my direction, and said, "Selina did. We just called the cops." 

"Well, in that case, I'm going to comp your drinks, and Fred is calling you cabs." He reached over and picked up the bill, and added, "Thank you, miss."

"You're welcome, and thank you." I said.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Where to, lady?" The cabby asked me. 

"Wayne ... Wayne Manor." I told him. "I'm gonna go talk to my boss, Mr. Brucie the billionaire Wayne, and give him a piece of my mind." I hiccuped, then moaned, "Oh, my head..." 

"Your funeral, lady. Wayne's done ok by this city, though. Even if he is an airhead." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The cold air from the door hit me, and I peeled open one eye. I saw the cabby, and he was saying, "This is the only address she would give, Pops. She said Wayne was her boss, so I brought her here."

"Indeed. We shall handle her from here." Alfred's voice said. 

"Wayne ain't gonna, well, y'know, fire her or anything, is he?"

"That is up to Mr. Wayne, but I shan't worry. Mr. Wayne will undoubtedly let her sleep it off." I felt myself being lifted in a fireman's carry, and I giggled. 

"Thanks, Pops." I felt myself being carried, and the cabby added, "Oh, Pops? Fare's $23.75." 

I felt myself shifted, and Alfred said, "Please keep the balance for your trouble." 

"Thanks, Pops!" I heard car doors slam, and the cab pulled away. Alfred tisked and said, "Miss Kyle, what will we do with you?"

### Chapter 12: Of Bosses and Booze


	13. Of Gyms and Guys

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m., and a icy Wednesday to all of you from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO. I'm Shawna Foxx, getting you up, up, up out of your cozy den! Get your paw off that snooze button! I'll be here with you till ten, but now we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report." 

I peeled open one eye, and told the radio, "I'm going to kill you, Ms. Shawna Foxx. As soon as I have breakfast." I sat up, and discovered that I had been undressed, then clad in a long nightdress. I staggered up, then discovered my stomach didn't like that, and ran for the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Have fun yesterday, Selina?" Bruce asked. 

I looked at him, clad in an expensive silk suit, and forced a grin. "Why, yes, Bruce, I did. Dealing with people that are broke, ill, and desperate will bring out the best in a person." 

"I'm so glad." He buttered some toast, and observed, "Better hurry, if you want to catch your train." 

I hissed at him, and said, "Wait until I get you on a rooftop, mister." 

Alfred announced, "I shall return shortly, Master Bruce, after I have dropped Miss Selina off at her train station." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Five minutes to spare, Miss Selina."

"Thank you, Alfred, you're a life-saver."

"I have been called such, Miss Selina." As I slammed the door, Alfred added, "You're forgetting your workout clothes, Miss Selina." He reached back and handed me a duffel bag. He waved, then put the van in gear. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Thank you for calling." I hung up, and looked at Helen. She glanced at her computer, then said, "If you want to grab a bite to eat, I'll cover for you. It's lunchtime, and my boyfriend is taking me out later."

"Thanks! I could use a bite and a workout." I forwarded my phone to hers, and grabbed my bag. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I found an open locker, and started to pull off my clothes. Folding them neatly, I opened the duffel and found that Alfred had packed a complete change of clothes for me, in addition to the short unitard. I shrugged, then changed to the sport bra, and slid into the gray workout suit. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Looking to be the next Batgirl?" A redheaded girl asked as I left the locker room. I glanced down at the tiny gray tee shirt on my chest with the "Bat" logo on it, then said with a grin, "Why not?"

I stopped on entering the gym, and looked around. While small, it was well equipped, with treadmills, weight equipment, punching bags, and so forth. I grinned to myself, and claimed a treadmill. 

The console beeped, signaling the end of my five miles. I jumped off as it slowed, then drank from my water bottle, and walked over to the hanging punching bag. One lean, well-built fellow with silver hair was just finishing up, and I admired his form for a minute. He stopped and eyed my own form, and I smiled. He grinned, and said, "I'm Gordon. Haven't seen you in here before. You want to give it a try?" 

"Selina. I'm new here. If you're done?" 

He nodded, and started to bite at his glove's lacing. I moved forward, and said, "Allow me." He held out his arm, and I had the glove off, and was motioning for the other one. He mopped his hair with his towel, then motioned for me to hold out my hands for the gloves. 

I don't know why, but my first few punches were ... clumsy, awkward. I think I was having the same problem Bruce was, I wasn't comfortable in my new body yet. Maybe it was Gordon, standing behind me, guiding my arms. I felt something hard poking me in my lower back, and I didn't think it was a water bottle. 

"I think I've got it. Let me give it a try." I told Gordon with a smile. I tried to put myself on autopilot, like I had on the train, and empty my mind. Gordon stepped back, and I moved into the first position of tae-san-we. With a deep breath, I cleared my mind, and went into automatic.

"Jeez-us!" someone said. I shook my head to clear my mind, and looked at the heavy leather punching bag. It had several large rips in it, and was hanging by one chain. The other two chains hung in pieces. I looked at Gordon, and blinked. "Did I do that? I'm so sorry! I ..." 

Gordon held up his hand, and said with a grin, "Remind me not to get you angry at me, Selina. Are you finished, or would you like to destroy some more company equipment?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I had borrowed some cable ties and duct tape from Joanie, and was trying to stretch to reach the chains on the top of the bag when Gordon came in. He had some clear shipping tape and twine, and was wearing a very nice suit. He smiled when he saw me, and said, "I see we had the same idea. Let me help you with that."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Gordon dropped me at the station, and I asked the ticket agent about buying an annual pass. He replied, "Annuals stopped selling in March. You can buy a monthly pass 'till the end of the year, miss." I sighed, and nodded.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The train sighed into the Parkhurst station, and I collected my bags. Squeezing between the closing doors, I trudged to the parking lot to find my car.

### Chapter 13: Of Gyms and Guys


	14. Of Gangs and Girls

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

In casual clothes, I wandered down to the kitchen. Bruce and Alfred were there, and discussing something. I smiled at them, and asked, "Bruce, you feel like a short patrol tonight? Once around the island?"

"Sounds good, Selina." He stood up, and motioned, "After you."

I stepped off the elevator with Bruce, and a klaxon started intoning, "Intruder alert. Unauthorized persons. Intruder alert." Bruce started, and said, "How do you turn it off?" 

I moved to a keypad, and punched in a code. The alarm stopped, but the red warning lights continued to swirl. I told him, "Repeat what I tell you." He nodded, and I thought to him, ::Addition to authorized access list::

"Addition to authorized access list." Bruce repeated.

::Kyle, Selina. A.k.a. Catwoman::

"Kyle, Selina. A.k.a. Catwoman."

::Authorization Wayne, Bruce::

"Authorization Wayne, Bruce."

::Pass phrase Thomas, Martha, Alfred, Justice::

"Pass phrase Thomas, Martha, Alfred, Justice."

::All locations, all times::

"All locations, all times." Bruce finished.

The red lights stopped swirling, and the cave's normal dim illumination of high, widely spaced spotlights came back up. The computer intoned, "Access list modified. Full access granted."

"Great! Let's get to work, shall we? Your suit is over there, Bruce."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I strolled over to where Bruce was standing. He was struggling with something, muttering curses to himself. He looked at me, and asked, "How do you get this blasted belt on? It won't latch!" 

I smiled, and said, "Yes it will. Here's how it's done." I touched it, and it snapped together. I touched it again, and it came apart. I glanced at him, and he snapped it closed again. He stood, and regarded me. I twirled, and said, "You like? Bats confiscated them from one of my, err, Catwoman's hideouts a while ago. It still fits!" I struck a pose, hand brushing back the dark gray cape, my leg showing through the long slit in the side of the ankle length skirt, light gray legging showing through. I added, "It's warm, too. C'mon, let's go. Want me to drive?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I fidgeted in the passenger seat. Batman was driving like an old lady tonight. I sighed and tried to relax, and listen to the police scanner. I looked at him, and said, "Let's start at Three Corners tonight. We can park and work our way back around to the car."

He shrugged, and said, "Fine with me. Feel like breaking some heads, Selina? Lots of petty crime down there." 

"I just feel like taking it slow our first night back out. And call me Catwoman while we're out, all right?" I replied. 

He nodded, and I settled back with the scanner's static.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We were on a rooftop, quietly arguing about whose week had been worse, when Bats said quietly, "Bruce, I think you're getting very comfortable in my body. It worries me." It was something that made me think. I was about to reply, when I heard a scream, some shouts and laughter through the lightly falling snow. I stood and walked to the edge, then whispered, "Demon Boyz. Follow me." I backed up, and was about to jump off, when Bats said, "Be careful, Catwoman. Neither one of us is at the top of our form." I nodded, then carefully jumped off the roof toward the action below. 

A mother had shoved her daughter behind her, while the father had his back to them, standing in a fighting stance in front of the dozen young gang members. I dropped down next to him, in the center of the rough circle. My skirt and cape settled into place, and I said, "Hello, boys. Mind if I drop in?" 

"Who the fuck are you, bitch?" One of the younger gang members said.

I strolled over to him, and replied as I ran a razor sharp talon along his peach-fuzz laden cheeks, "I'm the Cat. Surely you've heard of me. You mean that I need to keep wearing that boring old bodysuit? Can't a girl change every now and then?" 

"Hey, Cat!" Another one asked, "Why you here? You go for the bigger scores. We're just doin' some, like, Christmas shoppin', y'know?" 

"Well, so am I, boys. I was just out shopping for my new boyfriend, and it looked like such fun here, I just invited myself." I strolled over to the leader, and ran the talon down his cheek, with a bit more force. He yelped, and slapped my hand away. His hand came away bloody, and he said, "Bitch, I don't give a fuck who you are, you're mine now." 

I smiled at him, and said as I strolled back toward the darker end of the alleyway, "I'd check with my boyfriend about that, if I were you. I know that one thing he hates is a fair fight."

"Bitch, you're …" I never did find out what I was, as the leader suddenly flew through the air, crashing into and knocking out two of his buddies. A rough voice said, "I'm filling in for Santa. You boys are all on the 'naughty' list." Two more landed against the brick walls, and he added, "Coal in your stockings again, too."

One shouted, "Oh, fuck! It's the Bat!" I spun and snap-kicked him, following up with a right cross, then a judo throw of one that came at me with a spinning bicycle chain. The edge of a hand to the temple of another, then a leg sweep to duck a wild punch and knock the other's legs out from under him. He went down, and I popped up with a head butt, then a quick punch in the solar plexus for my last one. The father had been busy, taking care of two of them himself. I heard one running, but Bats beat me to it, with a quick throw, he fell and skidded in the slush. I stood up and smiled at Bats. "Merry Christmas, darling!" I said. 

I saw the little girl peeking out from behind her mother's skirt. I smiled, and told her, "Merry Christmas! What's your name?" 

The mother said, "Thank you, Miss! This is our little Mary, and I'm Josephine. This is my husband, Charles." 

I crouched in the snow, and said, "Hello, Mary! Have you been a good girl?" She nodded, clutching an old, worn out doll, as I took in the fairly new, but clean clothes on the girl, and the older, threadbare and patched coats of the mother and father. Charles stood proudly by his wife, though, who hugged him. I glanced at her, then stood to whisper in his ear, "Merry Christmas, and thanks for the train ticket." He started, then glanced at me, and then his wife. I smiled at him, and put a finger to my lips.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, that was fun." I said as I watched the GCPD paddy wagon pull away with a wail of sirens. The paramedics had already left, after stitching and bandaging the gang members. 

"Yes, it was." He stood, and cracked his knuckles. He watched the small family as they moved through the snow, and added, "We have to do something to help them." 

"I know, but they're proud. They won't accept a handout, no matter how much they need it. We can look them up when we get back to the cave." The church bell rang once, and I added, "I've got to be at work in a few hours. Shall we call it a night?"

### Chapter 14: Of Gangs and Girls


	15. Of Landlords and Priests

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Mr. Charles Evans?" I heard one of the Legal Aid people call into the waiting room. I looked up, and Charles shuffled out from one of the rows of chairs. The phone rang, and I pushed the correct button to answer. "District Attorney, Three Corners office. How may I direct your call?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Bruce, here's what I've been able to find on our hero from last night." I plopped down next to him, and continued, "Charles Evans is facing eviction from his one bedroom apartment because he's been unable to find work. His savings ran out three months ago, as did his unemployment. He has a minor criminal history dating back from when he left the Navy, just some drunk and disorderly charges, and two batteries. Apparently someone tried to assault his girlfriend, now his wife, and he defended her. They had better lawyers then he did, so … No charges in the last ten years, though." 

"Hmm." Bruce replied. I continued, "The building is owned by one of those co-ops that a group of attorneys or doctors will form as an investment. The building manager is a crook. He's been refurbishing the building, though. Starting and ending with his own place. He now 'manages' three other buildings near there. They seem to be in worse shape than Mr. Evans' place, though." Bruce nodded, and I continued. "I had an idea on the train, though." I pawed through the folder until I found it. "One of the local churches passed this on to put on the bulletin board, so I grabbed a copy. They're holding a renovation party for another building this weekend. What do you say to buying the building, and letting the tenants renovate it?" 

"Interesting idea, Selina. What about Mr. Evans, though?" 

"Well, Bruce, Mr. Evans was a Seabee in the navy. I think he'd make a wonderful live-in manager, don't you?" His grin was all the answer I needed. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Hello, Charles." I said as he put his key in the lock. He jumped, and looked around as I materialized out of the shadows. 

"Hello, Miss … um… " 

"My name is Catwoman." I purred. "Aren't you going to invite a lady in? I have a business proposition for you and your wife." He straightened, and said, "I won't do anything illegal, no matter how much we owe you." 

I smiled, and said, "That's just what I was hoping to hear. No, there's nothing illegal, but it may help you and your neighbors." I glanced around the dusty, dark hallway. "Not to mention your daughter." I added. He hesitated, then opened the door, and held it for me.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"So that's the deal." I finished. "You can check it out with Father Tim over at St. Andrew's if you wish. He knows who the investor is, but he or she wishes to remain anonymous. Father Tim can vouch for them, though." 

"But what about Mr. Murtagh?" Josephine asked. 

"Don't worry about Mr. Murtagh." I said with a smile. "The current owners were unaware of his … activities, and will be handling him. The investor has put forward another suggestion for building manager, and the owners seem to be most favorable, if he's willing to assume the position." 

"Who?" Charles asked.

"You." I handed him an envelope, and added, "Check out the contract with your legal aid attorney. Essentially, you'll handle routine maintenance, with a fixed percentage of the tenant's payments going toward buyout of the owners. In a few years, you'll be owners of the building, at which point you'll switch to reporting to the tenant's committee, instead of the investors. In addition, St. Andrew's will be holding a refurbishment party here once the deal goes through." 

"Which means?" Josephine asked.

"Which means that the tenants and the parish members co-operate in fixing up the place. This building is actually in St. Michael's parish, but Father Tim and Father Stephen have agreed to swap a building here and there." 

"I see." Josephine looked at her husband, and then at me. "What do you get out of it, young lady?" she asked.

"I … I get a bit better karma, a bit more shine on my soul, a bit of making up for my past sins, if you will. A few less Hail Mary's." I grinned, then said, "There's one other thing. Father Tim sent you a letter, to be read when I've gone." I passed them the thick envelope, then flipped my hair over the cape and adjusted my cowl. I stood up, and said, "If there are no other questions, I'll be going. Any questions, call Father Tim." 

"We can't. They disconnected our phone two months ago." Charles said. I looked at him, then walked to the tiny kitchen and lifted the handset. Hearing a dial tone, I said, "Works for me." I smiled, then strode to the door. I paused, and added, "Happy Holidays!" With a wave, I vanished through it. 

### Chapter 15: Of Landlords and Priests


	16. Of Casseroles and Counselors

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m. on Saturday morning at Gotham's hit oldies station, WGHO. I'm Patti King, your hostess with the mostest, here with you till noon." Yawning, I fought the temptation to pull the blankets around me again, rolled over and slapped the button and sat up. Stretching, I shivered then padded into the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into St. Andrew's parking lot at seven thirty. Popping the trunk, I slung my purse on my shoulder, and grabbed the box with the casserole. As I struggled with the box, my purse decided to keep sliding off my shoulder. I managed to sling it into the trunk, and slammed the lid with my elbow. I got about thirty feet away, when I realized I had locked my wallet and costume with my lockpicks in the trunk, and the keys in the ignition. "Ah … fudge." I cursed myself. "No purse, no costume, and no lockpicks. Maybe I can borrow a coat hanger, if someone doesn't steal the car."

I followed a couple other people inside, and saw Father Tim. He was talking on a cell phone, but paused long enough to smile and say, "Glad you could make it! We're setting up the pot-luck in there." I went where he pointed, and found four other women, chatting and heating up soups. One came over and took the box with the casserole. 

"Hello, I'm Bertha. Glad you could make it! What do you have?" A very large lady asked.

"This is what I call my seven-eleven casserole. Seven meats and eleven different vegetables and cheeses." I said with a smile. 

"Sounds wonderful! Is this your first time here?" I nodded, and she continued. "Susan is organizing this party. She's got a camelhair coat on. Got any special skills?" I grinned, and shook my head. Bertha smiled, and said, "She'll find you something to do. Lunchtime's at twelve." Someone else came in, and I smiled and left. 

Father Tim had finished his conversation, and I smiled at him, and asked, "Father, I seem to have locked my keys in my car. Do you know anyone that can help me?" 

"Certainly. Ralph can get them out for you. He's a good sort, but he's had a bit of a shady past. He's just the fellow for you. He's tall, thin, silver hair, and wearing a red checked shirt and overalls. I last saw him on the third floor." I nodded my thanks, and headed up the stairs. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Ralph was nowhere to be found. I traveled up and down the stairs, always one or two steps behind him. I finally gave up when I found Sheila, who dragged me into a room. 

"I found our fourth person!" She gleefully announced. I looked, and Mary and Josephine were stripping old wallpaper off the walls. I took a breath, then said, "Hello. I'm Selina. This is my first time here. Where do I start?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Mary had been sent on an errand to get us all something to drink. Josephine finally put down her scraper, and said, "Selina, you look very familiar. Would you happen to … be … um …"

"One of those people that run around the rooftops wearing spandex and fighting each other?" I asked. Sheila put down her sandpaper, and leaned against the wall, regarding me. I looked at each of them, and then asked, "What if I am? What if I'm not?" I smiled, and asked, "Would a certain … um, gray-clad burglar have locked her keys in her car?" Sheila laughed, and Josephine smiled, and returned to scraping wallpaper. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I heard a car alarm, and hurried to the window. Sheila looked down, and muttered a soft curse. "My car! Those … they've broken into my car!" She ran out the door, followed by the three of us. 

We caught up to Sheila, who was waving her fist in the air after some departing punks. "You bums! I'll see you all locked up!" The only answer was their laughter. She turned and regarded her Mercedes. They had smashed the windshield and two of the windows, shot through the rear window, put a round through Sheila's custom GC_LAW plate, pried open her trunk, and knifed two tires. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she twitched away from me. Josephine brought over her purse; they had grabbed the wallet and tossed the rest of the bag. Sheila nodded her thanks, and muttered, "Great. Now they know where I live." She glared at me, and said, "I hope you've been on the straight and narrow, Selina." 

I nodded, and said, "I never did cars." 

She took a deep breath, then nodded, and said, "I know. I'm sorry. It's just that …" 

"I'll do what I can to help, Sheila." I told her.

"I know, Selina. I know." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The elusive Ralph was attracted by the commotion, and Father Tim managed to steer him over to me before he could vanish again. With a shrug, he used his magic fingers to pop the lock on my car, handing me my keys with a flourish. I smiled at him, popped my trunk open to check it, and he had vanished again. I blinked, then said to myself "Naaa." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After the police had filed their report, and Sheila's car had been towed, I approached her as she stood, staring in the direction of the departed punks. I quietly said, "Sheila?" and she started, then looked at me. 

"Would you like a lift back to your place?" I asked. "Maybe some company to see if anything's been …" 

"Stolen?" She took a breath, then nodded. "I'd appreciate that. Right now, if I find those little punks, I don't know what I'd do." 

I smiled, then said, "Why don't you stay at the manor for a couple nights? I don't think Bruce would mind, he's got entire floors that haven't been used in years." Sheila smiled, and I walked to my car to extract my cell phone from the purse in the trunk. I lifted my eyebrow, and Sheila sighed and nodded. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila's apartment was trashed. She sobbed when she picked up photos that had been ripped and torn. While she poked through the wreckage, I checked the security, noting only a single deadbolt and cheap locks on the balcony doors. I helped her pack up some clothes and things, and carried them down to the car. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Ms. Hawking, how nice to see you again. I just wish it was under better circumstances." Bruce said as he walked down the steps to the garage entrance. 

"Thank you, Mr. Wayne. I appreciate your generosity." Sheila smiled, and Bruce said, "In that case, I'd appreciate it if you'd call me Bruce. Let me help you get settled. We're pretty casual here, and if you'd like to borrow a car until yours is repaired, I don't mind. We've set up a suite of rooms for you on the fourth floor in the east wing, just down the hall from Selina's."

### Chapter 16: Of Casseroles and Counselors


	17. Of Mafia and Madmen

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I knocked on Sheila's door. I heard her call, "Come in!" I opened the door and peeked in. She was sitting on the bed, looking at a torn photo. I sat down next to her, and saw a younger Sheila in uniform, with an older couple. Sheila looked up, and her eyes were wet with tears. She sniffled, and told me, "My dad hated having his picture taken. This is one of the few I have of him. It was taken when I graduated from basic at Parris Island. And now those … punks have ruined it!" 

"Sheila, what would you like to do to those kids?" I asked. 

"I'd like to teach them a lesson! I'd hang 'em from a lamppost! I'd … I'd … Selina, what are you suggesting?" Sheila asked with a nervous look in her eye. "Part of me wants their guts for garters, but the lawyer part of me wants them to have a fair trial. Why, what are you suggesting?" 

I gave a bright smile, and said, "What you need, girl, is to get out. Forget about being a lawyer for a while. I'm going to take you out and show you a different side of Gotham nightlife. One that most people will never see. I want you to get a shower, and then put on your absolute sexiest dress. Tonight, girl, you're going to prowl with the cat!" Sheila opened and closed her mouth, so I pulled her off the bed and gave her a gentle push toward the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I steered the black Mercedes convertible into a parking garage, taking the ticket from the guard and giving him a dazzling smile in return. Sheila looked fabulous with her long black hair down, in a blood red minidress and matching five-inch sandals. My own black dress and pumps fit like they were sprayed on. I parked, and raised the top, then activated the alarm. I walked to the elevator, with a confused Sheila trailing behind. 

"I don't understand. Why are we stopping here?" She asked. 

"I need to pick up a package, and some information. We won't be long." I replied as we waited for the elevator to arrive. It dinged, and we got on, where I entered the key code for the penthouse. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I entered the apartment, and Barbara wheeled out. She said, "Hi, Selina! I'm glad you're going to be using it, it's been a long time! The item you want is through there." She pointed through a door, and as I left, she turned to Sheila, and said, "You're Sheila Hawking. I've got some information for you two. Can I offer you anything to drink, first?"

The box was sitting on the bed. I opened it to check the contents, noting what needed to be updated and replaced. It was in very good condition, so I closed it and retied the string around it, then walked back out to the living room, closing the door behind me. 

Sheila was sitting back on the couch, paging through some thick files. She looked up as I entered with the box, and said, "This is amazing! Where did you get all this, and how?" 

"Never ask the Oracle how she does what she does." I replied. "We're lucky that she's granted us a visit to one of her safe houses. There should be six sets of information, let's not take up any more of the Oracle's valuable time." Sheila stuffed the papers back in a manila envelope, and quickly stood up. She smiled and nodded to Barbara, extending her hand, and said, "Thank you, Ms. Oracle, for your help. I hope I can return the favor someday." 

"One never knows, Counselor. One never knows. Have a pleasant evening, ladies, and I'll be in touch to find out how it went, Selina." I smiled and waved as the door closed behind us, and we entered the open elevator.

As we rode down, Sheila said, "That was the Oracle? I've heard about her, or it, but I … " I shushed her, and we waited as two elderly people got on. The elevator finally reached our level of the parking garage, and we got out. As we neared the car, I touched the remote, and was pleased to hear a beep, and see a small green light flash under the bumper. 

"Nobody's touched the car." I said as the trunk popped open. I laid the box in the trunk, and motioned to Sheila to put the envelopes in, "Three things, now. One, do not, under any circumstances, draw the gun you have in your purse." Sheila looked at me, startled, and I waved off her question. "Secondly, the Oracle put her life on the line meeting you. She did so only because I vouched for you. You have not, will not, ever acknowledge that meeting. You've heard of the Oracle, but don't know anything about it. It, not she, understood?" 

Sheila nodded, and I continued. "Third, we're going into some of the rougher parts of Gotham. You'll be perfectly safe as long as you're with me. You will also meet some … interesting people. People that you will immediately forget meeting. Just because I've never killed anyone, well …" Sheila swallowed, and I smiled. "Baby, you thought you'd met some wild types before? You ain't seen anything yet!"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We pulled into a parking lot, and the big, burly guy sitting on the stool said, "Lot's full, lady."

"Oh, I think I see a space, right over there." I said with a smile. "Tell your boss the kitty wants a word with him." I passed him a folded bill, flashing the tattoo on my wrist, and he gulped and said, "Yes, ma'am! Right away!" We parked, and I told Sheila, "Grab one of the envelopes." On the way out, I passed him another folded bill, and asked, "Could you make sure that the car's watched? We may need to leave suddenly." He grinned, and said, "No problem." 

The doorman saw us, and waved us in, to the dark looks of the line of people waiting. I passed him a set of folded bills, and said, "Our cover charge." He smiled, and said, "The boss asked if you would mind waiting a minute at the bar. He's got some other business, he'll let you know." 

"I am kind of thirsty … " I replied. "That sounds wonderful. Please let him know."

As we sat on stools in the crowded bar, I sipped my wine, and made eye contact with some people. Sheila was rigid with a combination of fear, excitement, and apprehension. I leaned over, and told her, "Loosen up. You're making people nervous, and that's not a good idea here." 

"But, but … That's John "fingers" McNair over there! He's got warrants out for murder and drug trafficking! He's sitting next to 'Tiny' Musaki, one of the heads of the local Yakusa! And over there …" I shook her, and whispered, "You don't see anyone! You're blind, understand? Now sit back, drink your wine, and relax." 

I saw Sheila take a deep breath, and smile at the bartender, who was obviously packing a large gun in the small of his back. He smiled back, then came over, and said, "The boss would like to see you ladies now. If you'd follow Guido?" Sheila jumped as a rough voice said, "Dis way, ladies." 

Guido showed us into an opulent office, and the large man behind the desk said, "Please wait outside, Guido." Guido hesitated, and asked, "Boss, the one dame, she's got heat in her purse." Sheila swallowed, and handed Guido her purse, and he said, "T'anks." The click of the door behind him was the only sound in the room. 

"So, kitten, what can I do for you? I understand you're looking for some punks. That shouldn't be too hard. What do you want done with them? You want the bodies found, or not? Since I owe you one, I'll find them for you, but getting rid of the bodies will cost you." 

I glanced at Sheila, and said, "Alive, but with enough evidence so the cops will have a slam-dunk conviction, and they'll have a nice long vacation in Blackgate." 

"Simple enough. I have a few guns I need to make vanish. Any questions, counselor?" Sheila started, and the large man chuckled and said, "You're not the only one in your firm to have occasional contact with me, Ms. Hawking, and no, I won't tell you who or what. I don't ask for your secrets, and you don't ask me. Think of it as a 'godfather : client' relationship, if that helps." She nodded, and he held out his hand. Sheila nervously handed him the envelope, eyeing his ring, and he chuckled again. He pressed a button, and Guido reappeared. The boss said, "Guido, return the lady's purse, and show them out. Oh, and kitten, if you see the bird, tell him we need to meet again, would you?" I nodded, and the boss mentioned, "Counselor, I would suggest that you find a reason not to represent these clients. I'm sure that you can come up with something. We'll be in touch. Have a nice evening, ladies." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I waited for a break in the traffic, then waved to the parking guy. The Benz was, of course, in perfect condition, and I lowered the top. We stopped at the light, and Sheila said, "That was 'Boss' Marone." 

I nodded, and said, "Yep."

"He's, he's …" 

"Mafia. Yep." The light changed, and I accelerated. I glanced at Sheila, and said, "What's your point? You want them killed? Want me to go back?" 

"No! But what did he mean about the bird?"

"That's our next stop. The Iceberg." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into another parking lot, and raised the top again. Sheila got out, and then said, "So what is this Iceberg? Isn't there another parking guy?" 

"Well, first of all, this is neutral territory. No guns, no weapons. Just people having a good time. There's no need for a parking guy here. Take a look at the back of that stop sign." As she walked over to it, I popped the trunk, and extracted three envelopes, then walked over to join Sheila.

"I don't get it. What do they mean?" Sheila asked, pointing at the symbols.

"They're turf signs. This one is mine." I said, tapping one. "The bisected circle is Two-face, the caduceus is Ivy, the J with bells is Joker. I think you can figure out the rest. C'mon. I need to use the ladies' room." 

Sheila paused, and said, "The Joker? Are you insane? We'll be killed!" 

I stopped and turned to face her. "No, I said this was neutral territory. As long as you don't draw that gun, we'll be perfectly fine. Anyone trying anything would be insane here. Besides, just because he's a psychopathic killer, doesn't mean that Joker's not a party animal. You should see him on karoke night!" I walked a few feet more, then added, "Besides, tonight's ladies' night! Two for one!" Sheila shrugged, then followed me.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Wak, wak! Kitten, who's your friend?" 

I said, "Sheila, I'd like you to meet my friend Oswald Cobblepot, also known as…" 

"The Penguin!" Sheila looked around, and said, "I like this place, Mr. Cobblepot!" She rubbed her arms, then added, "Isn't it a little chilly?"

"Wak, wak! We birds are a bit better insulated than you are, my dear. I'll have a sweater sent to your table." I intercepted him as he turned to leave, and said, "Oswald, I need a small favor, and Boss Marone wants to meet with you again."

"Wak, wak! Oh, yes, I'll give him a call. Thank you, my dear. What favor might this poor bird do for the kitty cat?"

"Briefly, I need to find some people. Alive, and with sufficient evidence so they'll have a nice long stay in Blackgate." 

"Shouldn't be too hard, my dear. Wak, wak! Now, let me show you to your table. Wak, wak!" He took the envelope of information, and we followed him to a table. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The waitress was wearing an abbreviated leotard that had been modified to look like a tuxedo, with fishnet hose and heels. I smiled at her, and ordered wine, as did Sheila. I then stood, and said, "I'm going to powder my nose. Want to join me?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I was washing my hands, when a petite redhead wearing a green dress came in, and rummaged in her purse. A blonde in a black skirt with a red and white top was fixing her makeup. Sheila joined us, and quickly checked her own. I waited, with my hand on the door, and said, "Pamela, Harley, if you're not with someone, you're welcome to join us." 

The redhead nodded, the blonde squeaked, "Sure. I wanted to talk to ya, anyway." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The waitress delivered our wine and Sheila's sweater, and asked, "What can I get you ladies?" Pamela stuck with wine, while Harley, who didn't look old enough to drink, ordered hot chocolate and a sweater. She winked, and said, "The place looks nice, but it's winter and Pengy keeps the A/C running'. I think he's wacko, don't you?"

Pamela said, "You're the head shrinker, not I. I'm just a simple botanist." She glanced at me, and said, "I hear that your on-again, off-again thing with the Bat is on again. Personally, I've never understood what you see in *men*, especially that one." 

Harley said, "Part of its biology, Pammie. I mean, I like girls and all, but my puddin' just … rings my bells, y'know what I'm sayin'?" 

Sheila asked, "Your puddin, err, boyfriend, where is he?" 

Harley sighed, and said, "He's in one 'a his noble moods. 's why I love him so. He's down with a head cold, and I offered to stay home and nurse him, but no, not my puddin', he said, 'It's Saturday night, go, have fun, paint the town red.' I offered to fetch him a doc, but he was happy wit' a big pot of my chicken soup and the TV remote." She sighed again, and added, "He was watchin' some ball game when I left. I'll probably get home to find him asleep on the couch with the TV on. That's my Mistah J for ya!"

Pamela shuddered delicately, and asked me, "What brings you by here tonight, kitten, especially with a guest?" She eyed Sheila, and I smiled, and said, "Well, a girl has to get out once in awhile by herself. Sheila here is my temporary roomie, her apartment got broken into and trashed by some punks, and so until I can upgrade her security, she's staying with me. Besides, she's my lawyer, so she can tell me when I do something naughty." I winked, and said, "Besides, all of her things were ruined, her clothes, her plants, her furniture. I was thinking that someone here might have an idea where those punks might be hiding." 

"Your plants? They killed your plants? Your babies? Who are these murderers? What do you want done with them? Can I have them for fertilizer?" Pamela shouted. 

Sheila winced, and said, "No, I want them alive and hanging from a streetlight. Just so they can have a nice dark cell in Blackgate, where they won't see the sun for a long time." 

Pamela subsided, and I passed her one of the packets of information. She nodded, and said, "I won't promise that I won't … borrow … a bit of blood or flesh, now. Nothing critical, you understand." She gave a nasty smile, and Harley giggled. She leaned over and whispered something to Pamela, who gave a slow smile, and added, "That's what I was thinking, but that, ooh, that makes it so much better! Let's get together and make some plans, Harley, dear." 

I mentioned, "Harley, you owe me one for including me in your little 'birthday present' the other day. I'll consider it settled if you work with Pamela, but remember, alive. Lots of evidence for the cops. Let's help them get their statistics up for the month, shall we?"

"So what are you ladies giggling about?" A deep male voice asked. 

I looked up, and said, "Hello, Harvey. How are you tonight? Have you met my friend and attorney, Sheila Hawking?"

"No, I haven't. Congratulations on making senior partner!" He said, and reached out to shake Sheila's hand. Pulling a chair close, he sat between Sheila and Pamela. 

"How … how did you know?" Sheila asked.

"It was in the Gotham county Bar weekly, of course! I try never to miss an issue. Ah, I do miss the practice, the give and take before the bar. So, what brings you down to the Iceberg?" 

"Why, we're just two girls out doing a bit of clubbing." I said with a smile. Harvey grinned, and said, "Of course. Speaking as a former prosecutor, since you're out on bond, you can't be accused of violating it in the presence of your attorney, now can you? Still, an able defense attorney is a good person to know. Ms. Hawking, would you happen to have a business card or two? I think that you might be able to generate some 'rain' here." 

Sheila started to dig into her tiny purse, finally emptying it onto the table. Harvey saw the tiny gun, and picked it up, with a, "Tisk, tisk. I do hope it's licensed, Ms. Hawking. Still, if you insist on carrying, this little thing won't do more than bruise someone." 

Harley piped up, "I carry this lil' one. Mistah J modified the bullets for me with some of his own special magic." She pulled out a small gun, and Harvey nodded. "A nice little Walther 9mm. Personally, I prefer the stopping power of a heavier round." He pulled out an enormous revolver, and said, "The Smith .44 caliber. Too much recoil for a smaller person like you or Harley, but I find it's just right for me." He made the revolver disappear again, and asked, "Find your cards?"

### Chapter 17: Of Mafia and Madmen


	18. Of Gyms and Girls

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Well, that was productive." I told Sheila as we walked to the car. 

She didn't say anything until we were seated, then told me, "You just introduced me to the Penguin and Two-face." 

I nodded, and added, "You're lucky. Harvey likes you, and you also won Harvey's coin toss. You're also forgetting Harley and Pamela." At her look, I said, "The Joker's girlfriend, Harlequin, and Poison Ivy. I think that you can forget about those punks bothering you. I would be surprised if they last until Monday. Want to get something to eat?" I started the engine, and slipped into gear. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

As we sat in the diner, I said, "So tell me, Sheila. What brings you to this point?"

She stared off into the distance, and sipped her coffee. I waited, and she put down her cup, and looked me in the eyes. "I joined the Corps in college. I always hated the restrictions on women, especially growing up in a Japanese family. The Marines let me be who I always wanted to be." I looked at her, and she quickly added, "I never wanted to be a guy, you understand. I just didn't want to grow up as another mama-san, like my mother and sister. The military was an honorable way out, especially for my father. He belonged to one of the American/Japanese divisions in World War Two. He would have preferred I join the Army, but I liked the Marines better. I did a couple of tours with the Fleet, and another on Embassy duty. I really enjoyed that duty in Tokyo, and having command of the language helped." She took a sip of coffee, and nibbled on a fry. I waited, and she continued, "When the time came to re-up, I set it up so the Corps would pay for law school. In return, I'm a reservist. I enjoy it, and I've extended my reserve enlistment twice. I don't look like a captain, do I?" I grinned, and shook my head. She said, "Not much else to tell. I enjoy the practice of criminal law, and safeguarding someone's rights. A client like you pays for a dozen clients that can't afford my normal rates, and when they conflict out, and can't use the PD's office." She leaned back, and said, "You're arranging the … delivery of those punks bothers me some, but they deserve what they get, as long as they're not killed. I'm glad you specified that, as, quite frankly, Pamela makes me really nervous." I grinned, and she added, "Okay, she scares me witless!" She sighed, then asked, "You about ready? It's one a.m., and I'm kind of looking forward to a nice warm bed."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I stopped, and punched the code, and waited for the gates to open. I yawned, and told Sheila, "On Sunday, we usually sleep in. Bruce and I are both night owls, but Alfred is a morning person. You think you can find the kitchen, or you want me to wake you?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sunday morning, I knocked on Sheila's door, and heard her call, "Come in!" She was sitting at her vanity, typing on her laptop. She was wearing gray shorts and running shoes, and a maroon T-shirt with USMC in gold on the left breast. She looked up and smiled. "Those punks missed this in my car's trunk. I've been keeping a diary on this for the last few years. I'd hate to lose it!" 

"I hope that it doesn't have any actual names in it." I asked. 

"Nope. Just initials. Of course, you're covered under attorney/client, of course." She typed a few more words, then saved the file and shut off the laptop. She added, "It's encrypted by the best program I could find." 

I grinned at her, and said, "I'll bet that I could hack it." 

She looked at me, then said, "You're on. What do we bet?" 

"Hmm. What about this? You've met some of my friends. I haven't met any of yours. If I win, you'll introduce me to your co-workers and society friends." 

Sheila thought about it, and then said, "If you can't hack it, you'll introduce me to the Batman? Maybe a tour of his infamous cave?" 

I stifled a giggle, then said, "I don't know about the cave, but I'll definitely introduce you to the Bat. I'll let him decide about the cave. Fair enough?" 

She nodded, then said, "I usually work out in the mornings before going to work. Is there a track or gym someplace in this museum?" 

"Both, actually. Let me get changed, and then we can go. Come on down to my room." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I grabbed some workout clothes, and started to change. As I did so, Sheila asked, "Which do you want first, the track or the gym?" 

"I've always liked to warm up on the track, then the gym. What do you think?"

"Either way. I don't mind, but I lean toward the gym first." 

I nodded at my dresser. "Why don't you flip for it? The silver dollar there is one of Harvey's. Scarred side up, we do the track, good side, the gym." 

Sheila nodded, then examined the coin. With a smile, she flipped it, catching it, and slapping it on her hand. Before she uncovered it, she said, "Oh, Ms. Catwoman. I was thinking. Shall we put a time limit on your cracking my diary? Say, fifteen minutes?" 

I stopped, with my shoe untied, and said, "I doubt it would take more than ten, but if you're comfortable with fifteen, I'm agreeable. Once I do, I'll read the last entry to you. Agreed?" She nodded, and then uncovered the coin. "Scarred side. The track first. You ready?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I opened the gym doors, and held them for Sheila. She walked in, then whistled. The high glass windows let the winter sun in on the hardwood floors, the chrome equipment gleaming in the light. I pointed, and said, "Men's and women's locker rooms and showers through there, and the track is through here." I pulled off my sweatpants and top, and tossed them on a bench. Leaning forward, I started stretching in my white workout tights and purple leotard. Sheila walked around a bit, then shucked her T-shirt, revealing a magenta top. She joined me in warming up, then opened the door, and said, "Catch me if you can, pussycat!"

I got close to her, and she called back, "How long is the track?" I answered, "Eight kilometers. Around the estate." She called, "Thanks!" and put on a burst of speed. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I caught up to her as she started to slow, ending her lap. She passed the gate leading to the manor, and started to walk to cool down. I walked with her, and she said, "Nice run. Why isn't there any snow on the track?" 

"Track's heated." She whistled at the thought, and I grinned. "Mr. Wayne takes his workouts seriously. He does three laps every day, and five on weekends. One will do it for me, though. " Sheila nodded, and asked, "You ready to head back?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I tossed Sheila a towel, taking one for myself. I wrapped it around my neck, and headed to the balance beams. Sheila dropped hers next to a weight machine. I dusted my hands, then began my routine. As I bounced and twirled on the narrow beams, I lost all track of time, and didn't look up until I heard Sheila say, "Hey, can you spot me?" I glanced at her from my handstand on the rings, and said, "Sure. Give me a minute, though?" I continued the splits, lowered myself so my arms were horizontal, then twisted and flipped onto the high wire. I walked it end-to-end, then back on my hands, twisting and spinning into a dismount. I bowed to the invisible crowd, then trotted over to Sheila. She said, "Wow! I haven't seen that since the last Olympics. Why haven't you competed?" 

"Gymnastics is a sport for teenagers, now. I wouldn't stand a chance with them. I do it for flexibility, although I do fantasize about it, now and then." I started to check her weights, as Sheila grunted and settled back on the bench, and said, "That's been one of my fantasies also, to compete in the Olympics. Ah, well. Ready." She gripped the bar, and started.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Bruce came in as we were finishing our workouts. He smiled, and said, "Good morning, ladies." Sheila paused at the door, and watched him pull off his warm-up clothes, stripping down to a tank top and running shorts. She gave a low whistle, and Bruce glanced at her, grinned, and headed out the door to the track. She waited until he was out of sight, then looked at me, and asked the ceiling, "Lord, give me strength!" I grinned, and she asked me, "Well, girl? Are you?" 

"Am I? Am I what?" I asked innocently.

"Girl, are you crazy? You're living in the same house as this gorgeous, rich, single man, and you want to know WHAT? Are you getting any? Or are the rumors true, and he's secretly gay?" 

"Oh, no! He's definitely not gay! But as for the rest, well, I don't kiss and tell…" 

"Yeah, right! Girl, if you don't stake a claim, I will!" I looked at her, and she glared at me, and then we both dissolved into giggles. I straightened up and looked at her, and Sheila looked back nervously. I grinned, and said, "What we need is a nice, warm tub. C'mon." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Oh, this is nice!" Sheila said as walked across the wooden deck to start the hot tub. "But I'm not wearing a swimsuit." 

"The view at night is spectacular. Besides, it's just us girls. What's wrong with skin?" I replied, twisting dials.

"I don't have any problems with it." I turned, and Sheila was holding a pair of bikini panties up. I glanced at her, and she smiled, and said, "I don't think that these would fit either Bruce or Alfred. On the other hand, Ms. Kyle, they look about your size." She spun them on a finger, and added, "Details, Ms. Kyle. All the details…"

### Chapter 18: Of Gyms and Girls

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***


	19. Of Boudoirs and Bets

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After my shower, I threw on a robe, and knocked on Sheila's door, calling, "You decent?" 

"You're asking ME that? C'mon in, Selina!" She said with a laugh. Sheila was sitting at her vanity in her robe, typing on her laptop again. She stopped, and asked, "What are your plans for today?" 

"Nothing special. I hear the Federal Reserve just got a new shipment of gold from Fort Knox, so I was … " I grinned at her glare, then said, "Why do you ask?" 

"Well, I need to go shopping, and I thought you might like to join me." 

I forced a smile, and admitted, "I'm not much of a shopper, but there are one or two things I do need to get." 

"Well, now that's a surprise! I would have thought with your … acquisitive instincts, you'd enjoy it more." 

I sat on the bed, and grinned. "Jewels, sculpture, and art are different than finding the perfect sling back shoes for me." I continued, "Think of it as a puzzle. How do I get into a place, find what I want, get it, and get out without Bats catching me?" I purred, and added, "Although sometimes I do make it easier for him. He's such a hunky guy…" I purred again. 

"I can't wait to meet him!" Sheila said. "By the way, ready to give my laptop a try?" She logged out, and I nodded. She stood up, and fetched her watch from her dresser, and said, "I'm setting this for fifteen minutes. Ready?" I nodded, and took her place, and she said, "Go!" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Got it!" I said, just as Sheila called "Time!" She put her watch on, and I grinned and read, "Sunday, October 26. This is my first full day living with Selina and Bruce. This place is amazing! It makes my little apartment seem so cramped. The 'suite' I'm in is bigger than my apartment! The artwork, everything about this place is … well, I'd love to live here! The workout facilities are great, as are the recreation, well, Selina showed me a hot tub, and we…" I coughed and continued. "I need to go shopping. I've only got one skirted suit that even partially survived those punks. I need to drop it at the dry cleaners, and hopefully they can mend it. For now, I'm going to have to buy 'off the rack' until the insurance money comes through. I don't have court until Thursday, but that's in front of Judge Basuro, so I'll need that skirted suit for him, the old blowhard. What I have should be good enough for the office until then. I'm glad that Shreck's has a good tailoring department. I'll find out what Selina's plans are - maybe she'd like to go shopping with me." I looked up at Sheila, and said, "Well, it looks like it's a draw, counselor. Want to flip for it?"

"If you don't mind my raiding your closet." I shook my head, and pushed the floppy sleeves of my robe up. Sheila grabbed her robe, and pulling it on, followed me out the door. 

In my room, Sheila glanced at my laptop, sitting where hers was, on the vanity. I glanced at her and motioned to my closet, saying, "Feel free." I picked up Harvey's coin, and said, "Good side, the lawyer wins, bad side, the kitty." Sheila threw a dress on the bed, and said, "Works for me." 

I flipped it, caught it, and eyed Sheila. She threw a blouse and skirt on the bed as well, and said, "Well?" I uncovered the coin, and she pumped her fist in the air, and squealed, "I win! I meet the Bat!" I smiled, and said, "Be careful what you wish for." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

While Sheila was dressing, I heard the 'ping' of my email. I opened the new message, and saw: 

From: PlantLady plantlady@freenet.gcu.edu

To: KittyCat kittycat@freenet.gcu.edu

Subject: The friends you asked about … 

Kitty: 

Blondie and I have those friends over. We're all having fun! Have your friend get to work Monday after seven, and make sure she brings her camera! They'll be there, all safely tucked away. 

PlantLady

PS: CoinFlip say they're loads of fun to play with! 

PPS: Blondie says that her Clown is feeling much better. She insists that it's her chicken soup.

I thought for a minute, then replied:

To: PlantLady plantlady@freenet.gcu.edu

From: KittyCat kittycat@freenet.gcu.edu

Subject: Re: The friends you asked about …

PlantLady, 

I'll be sure to tell her once she's out of the shower. We're going shopping, so I'll make sure that she gets plenty of film! Thanks for letting us know!

KittyCat

PS: Thank Blondie and CoinFlip for me, would you?

I hit "Send", and shrugged out of my robe to get dressed. I caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror, with my long dark hair tumbling down my back, my prominent breasts in a lacy pushup bra, my flat stomach over the dainty high cut panties. I looked at the smoky pantyhose, half out of the plastic egg. I closed the lid of my laptop and sat at the vanity, pushing the various bottles and jars of makeup aside, and stared into the mirror.

:: Bruce? Got a minute? :: I thought.

:: Sure, Selina. Third lap. What's on your mind? ::

:: Had any luck in figuring out what happened with us? Or how to fix it? ::

:: My theory is that Harley somehow triggered some sort of latent telepathy, and we're on naturally similar 'frequencies'. J'onn and Bats have discussed this, as you know, but I'd have to have him scan both of us to confirm this, which would mean you'd have to come to a JLA meeting for tests. Unfortunately, the chemical residue from the costume seems to have degraded. You're a better chemist than I am, though. ::

:: Scheduling is going to be a problem with that. It was a mistake to invite Sheila to stay here. I haven't been able to get out at night at all, lately. Maybe I can find out from Harley what she used on us, but I can't really ask too many questions. She may act like a bubblehead, but she's not. :: 

:: No, she's not. I wonder why she's so attached to the Joker, though. :: I felt his amusement. :: You're admitting a mistake? That's a first! ::

:: Well, it just felt … right to invite her, you know? ::

:: But which of you invited her? The Bruce part, or the Selina part? ::

:: Good question. ::

:: Something else is bothering you, Selina. What is it? ::

:: Well, I'm just getting so … comfortable as Selina. Sometimes I forget that I'm actually Bruce in her body. It just hit me when I was looking in the vanity mirror. :: I somehow 'turned on' the visual link, and watched as he ran through the woods. I stood, and leaned over the vanity, looking in the mirror.

:: Well, Lucius seems to approve of your living here. He says that I've been 'unusually energetic' and 'probing' in getting things done at the office since you moved in. He wants to meet you, by the way. :: 

:: You mean you've actually been working at the office? We'll have to talk about that later. :: I brushed my hair back, and stepped back a pace. :: Bruce, what's been bothering me is that sometimes I can't tell when I'm Selina, and when I'm Bruce. ::

:: Well, you sure LOOK like Selina. ::

:: Bruce!! Martha Wayne did not raise her son to wear pantyhose and a bra! :: 

:: What about her daughter? :: 

:: I … I don't know. :: I sighed, and added, :: Bruce, Sheila won a bet to meet the bat, and maybe also see the cave. Do you want to use the usual guest protocol for that? ::

:: Okay. Tonight, on the roof of her office building? Come in costume, and I'll take both of you. Oh, and Selina? :: 

:: Yes? :: 

:: I've been feeling the same way. As mother used to say, I don't know … :: 

:: … If I'm coming or going. I know. Sounds like a plan. We're going shopping, so we'll talk later, ok? :: 

:: Have fun, kitten. ::

:: Meow. :: I sent with a grin, closing the 'connection' and picking up the pantyhose.

### Chapter 19: Of Boudoirs and Bets

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	20. Of Burglary and Bats

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila drove the black Mercedes convertible into the mall parking lot. Even for this early on a Sunday morning, the parking lot was full. We cruised for a bit until we found a place. As I waited for Sheila to raise the roof panel, I wondered, "Christmas isn't for another two months or so. This place looks like the day after Thanksgiving!" 

"Na. It's much more crowded then." Sheila said as we walked toward the mall. She glanced at me and added, "You really don't shop much, do you?" 

"No, I just never got into it. I could never see buying a whole new wardrobe because some character in Paris or Milan decides to raise or lower hemlines an inch." I said.

"But what about all those poor, starving supermodels? Then they'd have to get real jobs!" 

I laughed with Sheila, and said, "By the way, I got hold of Bats. We'll meet him tonight on the roof of your office building." 

She stopped and turned to look at me. "How … " She shook her head. "I don't want to know. That's fine. What should I wear?" 

"Well, I'm wearing my costume. I'd suggest some jeans and a tight-fitting top. Dark colors." I said. 

We stopped and waited for traffic to pass. "That sounds good. As long as you don't dress me like Harley. That would go over well in a criminal law firm." She stopped, then said, "On the other hand, Two-face dresses well enough for work. Must be a habit from when he practiced. Of course, he might try to defend himself." 

I held the door for Sheila. "Could he? Defend himself, I mean."

"Probably. There's tactics you use differently for defense, though, and he was a prosecutor. A hell of a prosecutor, too. Too bad I never got to face off against him." She sounded kind of wistful. 

"Why not?" I looked at a mall map. 

"Boy, you really don't shop much, do you? I've got this mall memorized, girl!" Sheila said with a chuckle. "Harvey was going after the Mob and handling Capital cases before he was injured. I was just getting started, working the Misdemeanor side. It's too bad. I would have liked to match wits with him." She looked at her watch, and asked, "Want to work this together or separate?" 

"Separate. When shall we meet, and where?" I replied.

"Food court, near the Chinese place if possible, in say, four hours?" 

I checked my watch, and replied, "Works for me. See you!" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I set my three shopping bags down and looked around for Sheila. Not seeing her, I got a cup of hot tea and claimed a table, taking my coat off and throwing it on an empty chair. I dug down into a bag and extracted a mystery novel to kill the remaining time. I sighed, and sipped the tea. It wasn't a very good novel; I had a good theory on it by the third chapter. I heard Sheila's heels, and looked up. 

"You're reading a mystery? That's a surprise." She said as she tossed her coat over mine.

"It's not a very good one." I replied as I handed it to her. "I'll bet that Congressman Smythe is the blackmailer and his teenage daughter is the killer." 

"Damn. The review had it as a top-notch puzzle to solve. Mind if I take a crack at it?" 

I waved at her, and asked, "Hungry? I could use another cup of tea." 

"Coffee?" I nodded, and she put her booted feet up in another chair and leaned back with the novel.

"Hey. You're coffee's getting cold." I said. 

Sheila looked up and blinked. "Sorry. I'm a sucker for mystery novels and crossword puzzles. I'm only on page twenty-three. How did you figure it out so quickly? Did you look in the back?" I looked insulted, and she waved a hand. "Sorry, sorry."

"Well, the clues are all there, and the motives are obvious." I said in a 'duh' voice. 

"You sure you're not channeling Bats?" Sheila asked with a grin as she put the receipt in as a bookmark and handed it back to me. I pushed it back, and said, "Merry Early Christmas. Read it, and see if I'm right." 

"What do you win if you're right?" 

"A favor to be named later?" I said with a grin. "You got somewhere else to go? We're going to be up late tonight, so I'd like to get back and get a nap. Then I'll show you how to commit felony burglary on your own office." 

Sheila put the book in one of her bags, and said, "I've got everything I need. Do you think black jeans and a top will work tonight?" She took a slurp of her coffee, then picked up her coat and tossed me mine.

"Should be fine." I shrugged into my coat and finished my tea, tossing the empty cup in a bin. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I skritched my claws on Sheila's door, and said, "Meow." I heard a distracted "Come in." and entered to find Sheila still in her bra and panties, reading the damn novel. I flicked Selina's whip, cracking it next to her ear, and she jumped. 

"You never did take a nap, did you?" I hissed. She shook her head, and I said with a sigh, "Ok. It's your first time; I'll forgive you. Get changed. Black panties and a sport bra, black jeans, and a black turtleneck. No jewelry. Black boots. Hair goes in a bun. Five minutes." I shifted my leather satchel against my side and rechecked my equipment. :: Damn, I wish I had a utility belt. :: 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I drove the motorcycle, Sheila pressed hard against my back. We stopped at a light, and I pressed the microphone switch. "Am I right yet?"

"About what? Oh, the novel? I'm on page two hundred and something, and I still think it's the chambermaid and the gardener."

"Nope. Five bucks says I'm right." I revved the engine, ignoring the car full of teenage boys next to us.

"You're on… n… n… n!" Sheila said as the light changed, and I peeled out, losing the teenagers and almost losing Sheila. 

I pulled into an alleyway, and killed the engine. Sheila got off and staggered around a bit, then did some stretching to loosen up. I put the helmets on the bike, then armed the bike's alarms and said, "Come on." 

"Why did we stop here? We're a good six blocks from my office." 

"Eight, actually. You don't park in the lot of the building you're burglarizing. Come on." I took a few steps, then jumped and pulled down the ladder for the fire escape. I held it, then said, "Unless you'd prefer climbing up the drainpipe?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"You want me to JUMP across? Are you insane?" Sheila whispered.

"Why not? It's only ten feet or so. It's not far." I said.

"If you're Supergirl. I'm not. And it's fifteen stories DOWN." 

I gave her a dirty look and snorted, "Supergirl. Some people get the job done without an extra gene or a fancy ring, or being from another planet. Look, I thought you wanted to see how I did things. This is how. I'll go first, and I'll catch you, okay? Running jump. Just like boot camp." 

"I was young and stupid in boot camp. Okay, if you promise to catch me." 

I made the sign over my left breast. "Cross my heart. Watch me. Just a plain and simple jump."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Need anything out of your office?" I asked, doing a handstand on the edge of the roof. 

"My heart medicine." Sheila panted. "I thought I was in good shape." 

"You are, for a office worker. You're … adequate for what I do for a living." I backflipped over to stand next to her, and walked on the edge of the roof over to another side. I glanced over, then silently walked over to where Sheila sat on an air conditioning vent. I put my finger to my lips, and motioned to her to follow me. We walked over to where Ivy and Harley were stringing up the gang members from light poles, using Ivy's vines to suspend them over the street. My eyes glittered behind my mask, and I moved away. Sheila watched for a minute longer, then joined me.

"They look … different somehow. Smaller. I don't know." 

"Well, Ivy did say that she was going to take some un-necessary bits of flesh and blood. Who knows what she did?" I heard their vans engine start, and it pulled away, leaving the scene quiet again. Sheila went to take another look, and turned around, running into the Bat.

"Ms. Hawking." The gravelly voice said. "Taking up burglary as a second income?"

"No, I, um … " She staggered back, and he caught her.

"Oh, Bats, grow a sense of humor. She's with me." I purred. 

"Catwoman. Have you been walking the straight and narrow?" He rasped. 

"Bats, you're going to bust me for a parking ticket?" I chuckled.

"Since you're admitting to it." With a quick motion, he had my hands bound behind me, and my ankles shackled. I struggled to sit up, and he growled, "No leniency for any violations of your bond. You're going to Blackgate this time." 

Sheila gaped. "You've got to be kidding. She's been with me the whole day. She hasn't broken one single law." 

His mouth twitched, and I chuckled. "Sheila, you've just seen what passes with Bats for a joke. I admit, it's not much of one, but it's all you're going to get." I addressed Bats. "To make it up to me, you can give us a tour of your famous cave. Otherwise, I'm going to scream sexual assault by the big, bad, Bat." 

"No, you won't." With a quick motion, he stuffed a gag in my mouth. He looked at Sheila. "I don't trust her. We've fought too many times." He paused, thinking, then said, "I'll give you a tour. We'll leave Catwoman here. I'll secure her to the ladder so she won't escape." 

"No. Both of us, or neither of us. Sel … Catwoman can be trusted." I muffled my agreement. Bats thought about it then told Sheila "Stay here." He hoisted me over his shoulder, and with a muffled scream from me, stepped off the roof.

### Chapter 20: Of Burglary and Bats

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	21. Of Minds and Memories

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## (A/N: I'd like to thank Ghost in the Machine for proofreading and valuable suggestions on the last several chapters.) ##

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Hey, wake up." Sheila said. I mumbled something, and Sheila said, "We're in the cave. He sprayed some sort of knockout gas in both our faces. I can't get the gag off, and you're strapped to a table in what looks like an infirmary. You're ok, otherwise." I muffled something and nodded. 

"She'll be fine. I don't want her running around in here. She could learn too much about my operations." Batman said, and Sheila jumped. "Since she's an escape artist, and I don't know you, Ms. Hawking, I want a tracer on both of you." 

He moved behind me, and Sheila said, "You know, you're paranoid." 

"It's kept me alive." Batman replied, handing her a pair of silver rings. "Put one on her neck, and the other one on yours. It will let me find you if I need to. There are a lot of very deep pits in the cave. You don't want to fall in. I'll remove them when I return you both to the city." Sheila nodded, and clipped it on my neck, followed by her own. I mumbled something in protest, and Sheila glared at him, and walked out. I could hear her heels clicking on the tile floor.  

Batman moved to the door and glanced outside. Moving back to where I lay immobilized on the table, I glared at him. He chuckled softly, and said, "Well, it WAS your idea to use the standard protocols for your visit."

:: But … Oh, damn you. Why don't you let me up? :: I squirmed a bit against the heavy straps. 

"J'onn will be here shortly. He said that there had to be an outsider here, which is why I agreed to Sheila's presence. As closely as I could decipher his answer, she will serve as an 'anchor' for when he does the mind-touch with us. For some reason, a young, healthy female anchor works best in this type of situation. Alfred would not have worked well, and his presence would have apparently been disruptive somehow. He's upstairs, sulking." I snorted, and he continued, "As much as Alfred ever sulks. You know what I mean. With Sheila's help, I can 'stack the deck' in our favor, and you trust her to some extent."

I squirmed a bit in discomfort, watching his face. :: You're such a … guy, now. You enjoy looking at me like this, too, don't you? :: I squirmed a bit more, just for him. 

"I've gotten more … comfortable in this body. My workouts have gotten easier, too. I saw you in the gym, and you looked, well … relaxed" I glared at him, and he added, "Let's face it, Selina, I can feel it when you look at me. You're enjoying this, too." 

:: Kinky Bat! Kinky Bat! You can't tell me you didn't want to do a more … thorough search when you bound me on that rooftop! You're getting to be such a … guy! :: 

He glared at me, then we both heard the JLA transport tube as someone materialized. He turned and strode off, not even turning on his 'video' so I could watch. I chewed the gag and waited, trying in vain to get comfortable.

The door slid open and J'onn entered, using his familiar green body, followed by Sheila and Bats. I mumbled something, and J'onn walked around to see me. He smiled, and said, "Hello, Catwoman. Do you understand why I am here?" I nodded, and he continued, "I will need to remove your mask in order to touch your mind? May I?"

I glared and him, and reluctantly nodded. J'onn gently lifted my head, and accepted a key from Bats, removing the gag. He gently pulled my cowl off, and then lowered my head back, and adjusted the pillow. 

I coughed, and licked my lips. J'onn gently helped me drink from a glass of water. I coughed again, and said, "Thank you."

He nodded, and continued, "For the 'mind touch', I will need to have full access to your minds. You may block certain things from your anchor, but the more she can use, the better the results." J'onn looked at Sheila, and said, "Do you understand your part in this?"

Sheila looked at J'onn, and said, "No, I don't. I thought I was coming here for a tour! What's this about an 'anchor'? And why is the Manhunter here?"

J'onn said, "My apologies. I have been in contact with the Batman in order to solve a problem between himself and the Catwoman." 

Sheila looked wary, and said, "What problem?" 

Batman spoke up, and said, "I didn't have time to give you a briefing, although Catwoman knew that I had contacted the Manhunter. I must have your word that you will keep this in confidence, Ms. Hawking." Sheila gazed at the Batman, then nodded. Batman considered her for a minute more, then simply said, "In one of our … encounters, the Catwoman and I somehow … switched minds." 

Sheila's jaw dropped open, and she stared at him, then at me. I nodded. She looked back and forth, then said, "How much … How extensive is it? The switch, I mean?" 

"As far as we can tell, there's some short-range telepathy, and mostly active memory, the day-to-day stuff." Batman said. "I've done some experimenting. If I wanted to know about the Batman's childhood, I could access those memories, but it wouldn't be easy, and I'm sure that I've lost some things. That's one reason J'onn's here." 

"I see. What do you want me for? Why not someone else, like … the Oracle? Why couldn't she do this?" Sheila asked. 

J'onn replied, "The 'anchor's' job is to keep both minds linked to their bodies. Over the millennia, we have found that a young, unrelated, healthy female is best for this task. We considered using the person you know as 'Oracle'. An advantage to her participation would be that she already knows the subject's identities. However, a greater disadvantage is that her injury and subsequent disability 'flavors' the link. However, if you choose not to help, or are … unsuitable, she will be our next option." 

"Knows … You mean that I'll know who you are?" Sheila asked. 

Batman nodded, and said, "One of very few people on this planet. Selina trusts you, and I agree with her." 

"But … If I understand correctly, that would also mean that I would know your secrets." Sheila looked nervous, and Batman looked at J'onn. 

"All of you can block portions of your mind from the link. However, the less that is blocked, the greater the chance of success." J'onn said. "Will you consent to this?" 

Sheila turned, and walked around for a minute, thinking. She abruptly turned and walked off, only to return a moment later with a rolling chair. She looked at J'onn, and said, "If I'm going to be bound, I'm going to be comfortable, at least." She sat down, and said, "Okay. Let's do it." 

J'onn smiled, and said, "Binding you is not necessary, only the subjects. The discomfort helps to loosen the barriers. Normally, I would not have to, but they have formidable minds, to go along with their wills. The chair is a good idea, though. Close your eyes, and try to make your mind blank." Sheila jumped a bit when the connection was made, but then relaxed. J'onn touched my forehead. 

:: J'onn? Sheila? :: I could 'feel' the difference between the two minds, J'onn's powerful and disciplined, Sheila's excited and nervous. 

:: I am here. I will monitor, but will not interfere. :: 

:: J'onn? Selina? Wow, can you hear me? :: 

:: I can. :: J'onn answered. He said, :: Before we go too far, if there are any areas that you do not want exposed, think of walls around them, big thick walls with heavy doors. Take a look, and see my mind. :: He opened the 'video' link for her, and I felt her mental start as she recognized herself sitting, eyes closed, with J'onn's hand on her forehead. 

:: Oh, wow! How did you … Oh, I see. :: I 'saw' walls appear in her mind, fragile at first, then heavy stone soaring up out of sight. I looked around her mind, as I could feel her looking at mine, gently trying a door labeled 'Bruce', then desisting. I saw her pleasure as she defended her clients against what she saw as the abuses of the system. I felt her joy when she was able to score a victory, her depression when she was defeated, hidden behind an iron will. I felt the nagging self-doubt of her personal life, the 'itch' of worry about her conduct with Ivy and the Demon Boyz. I tried to soothe that itch a bit, and I helped to ease her concerns. 

:: Does that help? :: I asked. 

:: Yes. Thanks, Selina. :: Sheila replied. :: So, how can I help? :: 

:: I think we'd really need to get Bats in the circuit. J'onn, can we just add him in? :: 

:: No, we will need to have a different arrangement. Are the two of you satisfied with each other's  bona fides? :: 

:: I am. :: We both said. 

:: Very well. We will break the connection, temporarily, at least. :: 

I felt a jerk, and saw Sheila swaying a bit. She opened her eyes, and said, "Wow." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Batman had been bound by J'onn, and was lying on another gurney. Sheila had been wandering around, and resumed her seat. 

I looked up, and saw J'onn's place Sheila's hand on my head. There were some scuffling noises, and then I felt J'onn's on top of Sheila's. With a twist, I felt the link resume.

:: J'onn? Sheila? Bats? :: I asked. I felt their links, and saw Bat's mind (or was it mine?) I saw doors with individual's names, like 'Superman', 'Green Lantern', and 'Two-Face'. 

:: Oh, my God! Batman! I know who you are! I know where we are! :: I could feel Sheila's excitement, along with a tinge of fear. I could feel her trying the 'Superman' door. 

I said, :: Sheila. We don't have permission to reveal those people's secrets. :: 

:: But … You know who they are? :: She asked.

:: Of course. :: Bats said. :: I must know, in case they pose a threat. That is not why we are here, though. I must ask you to desist. ::

:: All right. I won't look. You can't blame me for being curious, though. ::

I chuckled, and said, :: Of course not. No jokes about curiosity and the cat, please. J'onn? What have you found? Can we change back? :: 

:: Hmm. A surprise. However, I think it will be best if I let the two of you discover it in good time. I believe you can change back, however I would strongly suggest waiting to do so. ::

:: J'onn! If you don't tell us, I'll buy Nabisco from Philip Morris! :: Bats thundered.

:: Threats will not motivate me. If you persist, I shall tell the League. Starting with Plastic Man. ::

:: Err … Nabisco? :: Sheila asked.

:: J'onn is addicted to Oreos™:: I explained to Sheila. :: Come on, tell us! And what about our changing back? :: 

:: Attempting to change you now would be extremely hazardous. :: J'onn said. 

:: When can we change back? :: Bats asked. 

:: When Selina's … gestalt is more in line. ::

:: I've got to spend more time lumbering around in the … body of this ox? :: Bats demanded. 

I said :: Hey! That's my ox you're lumbering around in! And what's wrong with my gestalt? :: 

:: I shall not be forced. You asked for my assistance. You have received it. If it is not to your liking, that is hardly my concern. Now then, unless there is something else?::  J'onn said.

:: I think you've done quite enough. :: Bat's grumbled, and I sent my wordless assent. With a jolt, the link dissolved. 

"Wow. Is that what the two of you see?" Sheila asked me.

"Not quite. Either one of us can 'turn on' their senses for the other, and we can access some memories, but a direct, mind-to-mind link, no." I replied. 

J'onn glanced at the clock, then said, "I have another appointment. Let me release you, and I shall be off." J'onn reached for the Utility belt lying on the counter. 

"I'll take care of that for you, J'onn. I had another question, if you don't mind?" Sheila asked. She added, "I'll be back in just a minute, you two." I heard her heels, and the door clicked closed. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

In a few minutes, I heard the door again, and Sheila's heels. I heard her thunk something on a counter behind me, and smiled in her direction. "Sheila, could you untie me? I'm not really very comfortable, and I really need to pee." 

"Oh, I know." I felt her lift my head up, and work my cowl back on. She then forced the gag back in my mouth. I turned, and watched her pull Batman's cowl up and force one in his mouth by simply holding his nose shut for a few minutes. She buckled it in place, then checked mine. She walked over to where we could both see her, and she smiled, and told us, "Dropping me in this little mess of yours was not a nice thing to do. If you had asked, I would probably have agreed to it, but you didn't. You didn't even tell Alfred that I would be here! He was very surprised when I called him from 'the sub-basement', as he referred to it. He'll be down here in a minute to give me my tour." 

I glared at her, and she chuckled, and said, "No doubt you're both thinking of nasty, painful things to do to me right now. I can see the glare in your eyes, and you're both very intimidating, strong-willed people." Batman growled, and she continued, "Don't worry. I don't intend to sell you out to the Joker." I snarled through my gag, and she said, "I haven't forgotten you, Selina - or should I call you Bruce? At least I know why you don't like shopping!" She leaned closer, and whispered, "I suggest that you develop the knack, girl!" 

"Now, now. I can see your muscles moving, Batman, trying to get out of your cuffs." Sheila chided.  "J'onn used your own Batcuffs on you. Y'see, I was poking about in both your minds, like J'onn suggested, and I found out the most interesting things. One of them is that you need a special cutter to get them off, and you're both bound, hand and foot with them." She reached behind her, and showed us a small yellow device. "Look familiar?" She walked a few steps, and dragged something off the counter. I recognized my gray shoulder bag, and Sheila continued. "Batman left this in the car. Very fancy car, by the way, and no, I didn't touch anything." She put it down across my knees, and pulled out Batman's utility belt, replacing the cutter into its compartment. She draped that across his thighs, and continued to poke in my bag. She looked up, and said, "This bag is almost as messy as my purse! What do you keep in this thing?" She continued to poke, then she pulled out a small camera. With a "Hmm.", Sheila contemplated it, looking back and forth between us. She said, "Naa.", and replaced the camera in my bag. We both struggled, and she smiled, and said, "You know, that cave is very interesting. I think I'll take a look." She put the Belt and other things back in the bag, threw it over her shoulder, and walked out. 

I struggled a bit, then snapped, :: You tied me too tightly. Can you get loose? :: 

:: I'm trying! J'onn tied me too well, and I'm strapped down! I can't move! :: I heard the straps creak, and then Batman complained, :: A lot of good this body is doing me now! :: 

:: Can you dislocate your thumb, so you can slip your cuffs? I've been trying, and I can't quite make it. :: I thought. 

I heard Sheila's heels clicking, and she spoke from behind us. "Hi, there! Are you two having fun? Boy, this cave is amazing!" I heard her search through some drawers, then she came back. Tilting my head up, she wrapped an Ace™ bandage around me as a blindfold. She asked, "Alfred, would you be kind enough to take care of Batman?" 

"Indeed, Ms. Hawking." I heard Alfred's voice, and the creak of Batman's straps. 

Sheila told me as I felt her tighten my straps, "There! All nice and tidy. Don't worry about a thing.  For now, I want you both to rest, and try to remember that you won't disembowel me. Nighty-night!"

Alfred added, "I shall be down at the usual time to release you. Until now, consider this an unplanned day of rest. A … vacation, if you will. I have checked, and the last time I had a day off was six years ago. I believe my contract stipulates a certain amount of free time. Ms. Hawking was kind enough to consent to review it for me. I believe the phrase is … 'Have a nice day!'" With a click, I heard the lights go out, and the door click shut. 

:: Bruce? Can you do anything? I can't see a thing, and I can't move a muscle. :: 

:: Sorry. I shouldn't have removed my utility belt. I didn't want to be lying on it. Even if I had it, I'd need that cutter … ::

:: Dammit! :: I sighed, then asked, :: What time is it? My mask doesn't have a time display. :: 

:: Quarter to three. :: 

I fought my restraints again. :: I need to be at work in a few hours! :: 

:: Spoken like the dedicated Wayne employee that you are. Find out anything yet? :: 

I settled back and tried to get comfortable. With my aching bladder, I really needed the distraction. :: Sorry, not yet. I'm still settling in, and this is only my second week. You know that I'm down in the Three Corners office? ::

:: Oh. I didn't know that. I've been trying to make head or tails of the financial statements. ::

:: Bit different than balancing a checkbook, isn't it? :: I chuckled, and added, :: The Profit and Loss statement is really fairly simple. At the top … ::

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The door opened, and the click of the lights turning on woke me. I heard Alfred, and heard his humming. I felt his feather duster dance over me, and then there was a pause. Alfred said, "It is a pity that Ms. Hawking felt it best that you both had to be restrained in order for all of us to have a day off. Ms. Kyle, I have made your excuses to your place of employment, and I have similarly telephoned Mr. Fox for you, Master Bruce. I shall be down later to release you." I heard him open the door, and then he added. "Good day." The click of the lights, and the door closing left us alone.

:: You know, they're right. :: Batman said.

:: How so? :: I asked.

:: We both need a day off. Alfred needs a day off. :: A mental sigh, and he continued, :: I can't be mad at Alfred. :: 

:: Yes, Alfred has been here longer than both of us. :: I sighed. :: What do we do about Sheila? ::

:: Have her move in, until this is resolved, at least. Any ideas what J'onn was on about? :: 

:: No clues. He can be very tough to read. ::  I chuckled to myself. :: At least we can introduce Sheila to 'Big Bad Zogger'. ::

:: That's … evil, Selina! Hmm. We'll need to test her on it. Let's think about that. :: 

:: Well, I am the 'bad girl' of this duo. While you think about Sheila, I'm going to finish my cat-nap. Goodnight, Bruce, and 'meow'. :: 

Bruce groaned, :: That was horrible, Selina! Horrible! Even when I was Selina, I never made jokes that bad! Go ahead and finish that nap. Maybe it will improve your sense of humor! Goodnight, Selina. ::

### Chapter 21: Of Minds and Memories 

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	22. Of Workouts and Zogger

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I sat in the kitchen with Bruce and Alfred, who puttered about. I took a sip of tea, and returned to the Wall Street Journal. Bruce was reading the Gotham Post's style section, when Sheila came in. I glanced at her, and smiled sweetly. 

"Have a good day at work?" Bruce asked over the paper. 

"Getting in late on a Monday? No, I didn't." she replied. 

"Being able to sleep in was pleasant, I admit." Bruce replied. "Still, I'm a bit stiff, and I could use a workout. Selina, would you and Sheila like to join me downstairs?" 

"That sounds like just the ticket for all of us, Master Bruce." Alfred said. "Give me a moment to change, and I shall join you and the ladies downstairs. If you will excuse me?" 

I folded the paper neatly, and smiled at Bruce and Sheila. "Count me in! I could use a bit of stress relief. How about you, Sheila?" 

"Um. I guess so. A light workout would be good, before dinner." 

"Excellent!" Bruce said with a smile. "See you both downstairs in a few minutes." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I knocked on Sheila's door, and said, "You ready?"

"Come in, Selina, and help!" Sheila answered. 

"Help?" I asked, as I opened the door. 

"Help." She answered, as I leaned against the door, regarding her. She had changed to a sport bra and a pair of panties, and then sat on the bed, looking at her dresser. She added, "What do you wear for a workout with Batman?" 

"Well, first of all, unless we're in costume, it's Bruce and Selina." I replied. "The B-word is not spoken above the sub-basement, at least by those of us living here, like you. Secondly, you can see what I'm wearing." I twirled to show off my own midnight black unitard and white shoes. The red scrunchy that held my hair in a ponytail bounced as I moved. I continued, "May I?" I asked, motioning to her dresser. She nodded, and I moved to poke about through it. I pulled out a pair of gray shorts and a magenta leotard with gold stripes, and tossed them to her. I added, "This is just like any other workout. We'll be there to spot for you. The only difference is the location, and a bit of the equipment, which is *not* found in your average neighborhood gym." I waited for her to finish tying her shoes, and then said, "Follow me." 

I walked into the library, and, followed by Sheila, crossed to the bookcases. I strolled along them, and selected a book, pulling it out. The bookcase rotated open, and I ushered Sheila through it, the bookcase rotating closed behind us. I took Sheila's elbow, and said as a dim red light came on in the narrow passageway, "Come on."  I stopped at a rough stone wall, plain except for a small black scanner. I placed my hand on it, lights flickered across it, and a door slid noiselessly back. I stepped into the opening, lit only by a dim red light, followed by Sheila. 

A minute later, the door opened, and we exited into a side passage off the main cave. I mentioned, "That old iron spiral staircase dates back to the 1600's, when the manor was first built. You noticed the sockets for torches? This cave was used as part of the Underground Railroad back in the 1800's." 

"Is there any sort of … map to the complex?" Sheila asked. 

I shook my head, and tapped my temple. "All up here. Alfred, Nightwing, and myself are the only ones that know it all. Oracle has been here a few times, as have other people, like Superman and a couple of the League. Here, you may find this interesting." I stopped, and turned down a side corridor into a small room. The lights came on, revealing some strange equipment. I mentioned, "Superman will come here sometimes to work out. This part of the cave is on solid bedrock. It has to be, to support this equipment. Weights, bench press, and so forth, all of it is variably adjustable for him." I stepped over to the bench press, and glanced at it. I tapped it, and mentioned, "This is set for 100 kt." Sheila blinked, so I clarified myself. "One hundred kilotons. Come on." 

I strolled along, with Sheila tagging along. I stopped, and pointed out the Memorial Gallery and the Trophy room. Sheila pointed and asked, "What's down there?" 

I glanced at the telltales for the defensive fields, and then finally said, "Weapons vault." 

"Oh. Isn't it a little … overprotected?" 

I looked at her with the best 'Bat' glare I had, and levelly said, "I don't think so. There's kryptonite in there." 

Sheila's mouth fell open, and she stammered, "K … kryptonite?" She swallowed, and asked, "I don't think I want to know."

I started walking again, and said over my shoulder, "You don't." I turned to face her, and added, "Would you trust this government, or any of them, with that kind of power? The power to kill Superman? Would you trust anyone but yourself?" I looked at her face, and nodded. "I thought not." I pulled open a door, and said, "Here we are. The gym." 

I pointed, and said, "Locker rooms and showers are through there, as is the Costume Vault." I spoke to the computer, and said, "Addition to authorized access list. Hawking, Sheila. General cave and gym complex only. Authorization Kyle, Selina. Passphrase Stalk, Catspaw, Whiskers." 

"Authorization accepted. Access list modified." The computer replied.

"Thanks. What happens if I go someplace that I'm not authorized?" Sheila asked. 

"Try it." I waved at the door. 

"Maybe later." Sheila swallowed, and said, "Um, should I be seeing this?"

I moved over to a tiny glassed-in room, and saw Bruce spotting for Alfred. I turned, and told Sheila with a small smile, "Yes, you should. Welcome to the bat-family. One of the requirements is that everyone is in top condition. By the time we're through with you, you'll be pacing Bruce on his runs. This is an introduction to the exercise computer, although Nightwing nicknamed it 'Zogger'." I motioned to a laser-printed sign that was taped to the wall. It said, 'Zogger. Abandon hope!' I motioned to Sheila, and she squeezed in next to Bruce. He smiled at her, and then returned his attention to the window. 

I squeezed in behind Sheila, and said softly, "Alfred is running at level two. This monitor shows what he's seeing; the window shows his actual movements. All the sessions are recorded for later analysis." I glanced at the window, and then motioned Sheila out. I moved a few meters away, and continued. "The exercise computer creates a 3D holofield of a combat simulation. It's as real as, well, the real thing. As you saw, Alfred was dealing with a few street muggers. We go easy on him because of his age. Your first time through, we'll set the computer for something just as easy for you." 

I continued, "If you need to stop it, call out quickly 'StopStopStop', or hit the big red button on the control panel. Also, you can and probably will be injured in Zogger. Your objective is to disable your opponents, without killing them. If you kill an opponent, you'll get more of them. How many more, and how they're armed, depends on your skill level, and Zogger's setting. Your opponents will try to kill you, however. If they succeed in landing a fatal blow, you'll be alive, but injured." I pulled down my left shoulder strap, and showed Sheila an angry red scar, in my side next to my heart. I mentioned, "That was from my first Zogger session as Selina, instead of as Bruce. It still hurts. Harley got a little too close with a knife on that one."

A buzzer sounded, and the door opened. Alfred opened the door, and almost immediately collapsed onto a bench next to the door. Bruce handed him a towel. I smiled at Sheila, and Alfred said, "Good luck, Ms. Hawking." She swallowed, and nodded to him. I motioned her in, and with a deep breath, she entered the chamber. 

I moved into the control room, and adjusted the headset. I tapped a switch, and said, "Calibration, Sheila. Can you hear me?" She nodded, and I said, "Verbally, please. Also, please say the stop phrase for the computer." 

"Yes, Selina, I hear you." She took a breath, and added, "StopStopStop!" 

I nodded. "Good, Sheila. See the red stop button?" She nodded, and I continued. "The computer will provide you with appropriate clothing and equipment for the scenario. Are you ready?" She swallowed again, and nodded. I clicked off the mike, and chose a scenario. 

Bruce came in, and I told him, "She's in good shape, U.S. Marine and all that. I think she could handle level five to start with."  
  
He asked, "Alfred does what? Level three on a good day?"  
  
"So?" I asked.  
  
He shook his head, "Nothing. Just making an observation. Level five it is." He started to key in the settings, and I watched as Sheila morphed into Batgirl, standing outside an alleyway. She jumped as a scream sounded in the darkness.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The buzzer sounded, and the door opened. Sheila staggered out, drenched with sweat. She collapsed on the bench, and said, "Oh. My. God." I disconnected my headset, and grabbed a towel, tossing it to her. She toweled off her face, then put it over her neck, and said, "What level was that, twenty?" 

I shook my head, and said, "No, level five. We figured you could handle it. Not bad, though." 

"They kept coming, though! More and more gang members! I didn't know the Dragons had that many!" 

"There were five to start with." Bruce said. "You managed to kill one, which brought reinforcements. You then crippled another, which triggered another gang member. However, you survived odds of eight to one, which isn't bad for your first time." Sheila looked at him, and he added, "The Dragon's actual strength is fifteen, with sixteen assorted girlfriends. They're a small gang, for Gotham." 

I smiled. "Bruce, rerun the exact same scenario for me, would you? Sheila, would you like to watch?" 

"Oh, yeah!" She said, as I pulled open the door. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Zogger's interior dissolved, and I was Batgirl. I heard a scream, and entered the alleyway. My boot heels made no noise. Another scream, and cursing in Japanese. I shook my head, and using the pressure points on the neck, dropped the two sentries. They were watching the rest of the gang rape the two girls, and not paying much attention to their surroundings. I crept up to a few feet away, then said, "They're not really a challenge, boys. Why don't you try a real woman?"

"Kusu o taberu na, ama! (Eat fucking shit, bitch!)" One said, as he turned to me. "Chikushoo! (Oh, Fuck!)" He made a move to remove himself from the girl, who took this opportunity to fight back, by biting and scratching. He screamed, and I twisted his arm, dislocating it. He screamed again, and that woke his two remaining gang members to action. One tried to pull up his pants from where he had shoved a girl against an alley wall, and the other tried to pull out a gun. I kicked it out of his hand, then chopped his neck. He dropped, and the other tried to run. His victim screamed, and raked his face with her nails, and he swore, and tripped over his pants. I touched the pressure point on his neck, then turned back to the leader. He tried an awkward, left handed swing at me, and I smiled, and broke his arm. He glared, and charged me, and I laid him out with a right cross. He crumpled onto the dirty pavement. 

I smiled, and said, "Would you ladies help me drag them out to the street, so they'll be handy for the cops?" The buzzer sounded, and the scene dissolved. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Oh, wow! That was awesome!" Sheila said. 

I grinned at her, and said, "Know what you did wrong?" 

"I think. Minimum force?" Sheila continued, "Those guys just stared at you, Selina. How do you do that?" 

"It's minimum EFFECTIVE force, though. It's partially the reputation, partly shock." I said. "You're prepared for it, they're not expecting to see a Bat. It can give you several valuable seconds. You also tried to fight your way out with weapons that you're not familiar with. We'll address that, but you also need to be ready to fight your way out when you're stripped to the skin. How are you on martial arts?" 

"Rusty. I've taken judo with women's defensive classes, and I practiced tae-kwon-do when I was on active duty with the Corps." Sheila smiled, and added; "Pushing papers in a courtroom isn't a very active lifestyle."  

"Well, we'll have to see about that." I said. "Pick your sparring partner. Any one of the three of us." 

"Even Alfred?" Sheila asked.

"I am still an honorary member of His Majesty's Special Air Service, miss." Alfred replied. "I am ready to, as the phrase goes, 'kick your patootie', young lady."

"He's a sneaky, cunning bahstard." I said with a smile, giving it a British pronunciation. "Be careful with him. Bruce and I still aren't at a hundred percent after our little … accident. You might have better luck with us." 

Bruce added, "Zogger can also be used in a 'dojo' mode." 

"Joy. Let's see. Eenie, Meeny, Miney. Oh, the heck with it. Selina, wanna spar with me?" 

"Hey, what about me?" I heard. 

"Hello, Dick." Bruce said. Dick strolled up, and smiled at Sheila. She smiled at him, and Bruce coughed, and said, "Sheila Hawking, this is Dick Grayson." 

"Pleased, I'm sure." Dick said, holding out his hand. He glanced at Bruce and I, and asked, "New member of the family?"

"For the moment. Sheila knows who we are, obviously. This is her first workout with us." 

"Cool." Dick said.  "How'd she do with good ol' Zogger?" 

"Not bad at all." I said. "Her first time, she managed to beat off eight Dragons on level five." 

Dick winced, and said, "Killed one, eh? How'd the victims do?" Sheila shook her head, and Dick winced in sympathy again, and patted her shoulder. "Don't worry about it. You'll get better at it." 

"I hope so." Sheila drew a deep breath, and asked, "Your sparring offer still open?" 

Dick grinned, and said, "Sure. Half a sec while I change?" 

### Chapter 22: Of Workouts and Zogger

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	23. Of Costumes and Caves

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Alfred was waiting for us as we pulled into the cave. He rushed over to me, and helped me out of the car like I was some invalid. I looked at him strangely, and said, "Thank you, Alfred. I'm fine. I'm going to shower and change, and then grab a few hours of sleep before going in to work."  

Alfred released me, and with an insulted air, said, "As you wish, Miss Selina. Unless you require further of my services, I shall be upstairs. Good evening." He turned, and strode off. 

"What did I say?" I asked Bruce. He shrugged, and moved off toward the costume vault.

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"It's six a.m. on October 28th, and it's a good, chilly Tuesday morning to everyone from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO! I'm Shawna Foxx; getting you up and out of your cozy den, so get your paw off that snooze button! I'll be here with you till ten, but now we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report." I slapped the snooze button, yawned, and dragged myself out of the warm blankets, then stretched and walked into the bathroom. 

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"Good morning, everyone!" I said as I walked into the kitchen. I dropped my things next to the door, and then poured a cup of hot tea for myself, waving the pot at Alfred, who shook his head.

Sheila came in after me, dropping her briefcase and purse next to my purse and gym bag, and making a beeline for the coffeepot. She took a slurp, sighed, and asked me, "How can you be so perky after being out until, what?" 

"We got in at two, it was a slow night. Dibs on the financial section." I said. Bruce stood up and headed for the coffeepot, and I intercepted him, grabbing the pot first. I shooed him back to the kitchen table, and added for Sheila's benefit, "You don't let Bruce do ANYTHING in the kitchen, Sheila." I saw a spark of feminism light up in her eyes, and added, "It's not a male/female thing; it's just that he's … not so handy in the kitchen." 

"Nor were you, Miss Selina." Alfred reminded me. 

I nodded. "Speaking of handy, I want to redesign my, err, Selina's catsuit. It's driving me crazy not having a belt." I asked Sheila, "Want to join me tonight in the costume vault? This is another neat little bit of alien tech we've got." 

"Sounds like fun, but how did you know I like to sew?" she asked as she stood up, and helped Alfred distribute the omelets.

"I saw the sewing machine and supplies in your bedroom. You've also got embroidery and needlepoint materials." I replied as I carried the plates of sausages and toast triangles to the table. 

"Oh." Sheila changed the subject. "With all the technology around here, I would think you'd have some sort of fancy food replicator gizmo." Sheila joked.

"Certainly NOT." Alfred said with a sniff. "I won't have one of those infernal contraptions!" 

Sheila blinked, and said, "They exist?" 

"Of course they do. There are some in the JLA watchtower." I said with a straight face, "However, we're just a typical, normal family. Why would we have one?" That got some chuckles as everyone dug into their breakfast. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Thank you for calling." I said. I leaned back in my chair, and stretched.  I looked over at Helen, and said, "I owe you one, if you want to take off a bit early for lunch, and I'll cover for you." 

Helen said, "Thanks! My boyfriend is picking me up and … " She waggled her eyebrows, and Clarissa chuckled. Helen quickly ducked into the closet, and I smiled.

"So, you gonna get dressed up on Friday?" Clarissa asked. I glanced at her, and she explained, "It's like, a tradition. Closest day to Halloween, you come in costume, and people judge you during the day with a secret ballot. Winner gets some booze and other prizes. If you can't dress up during the day because you've got court, you change after work. We have a party after work with a costume contest. It's a lot of fun. There was a notice was on the lunchroom wall, you must have seen it." 

"I think I can come up with something." I said with a smile. The phone rang, and I touched the right button. "Legal Aid Office, how may I direct your call?"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I knocked on Sheila's door. I heard her call "Come in!" and I entered to see her typing on her laptop. She had on shorts, a t-shirt, and ankle socks, with her hair twisted up in a bun. I smiled, and asked, "I hope there's nothing in there about your experiences downstairs." 

"Take a look." she offered with a glare, standing up and walking away. 

I walked over to an armchair, bypassing her laptop, and sat. "Sorry. I think you realize the dangers of having any mention of the 'sub-basement', or it's occupants." I said. 

Sheila nodded, and I found some tennis shoes on the floor, and handed them to her. "C'mon. I wasn't kidding about redesigning my catsuit, and I thought you'd like to see this system."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We entered the upstairs library again, and I touched a book. I looked at Sheila, and said, "The book is 'Of Mice and Men', by Steinbeck. Just tilt it back about thirty degrees." I did so, and the passageway opened up. I motioned her through.

"What if you actually wanted to read the book?" Sheila asked.

"Just pull it straight out." I answered. I took Sheila's elbow, and said as a dim red light came on in the narrow passageway, "Come on."  I stopped at the wall, and motioned at the scanner, and said, "Just put your palm against it." She did so, lights blinked, and a door slid noiselessly back. I stepped into the opening, lit only by a dim red light, followed by Sheila. I walked down the old circular iron staircase, followed silently by Sheila. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked into the costume vault, and stopped in the middle. I pointed, and said, "Each person has a collection of costumes for different situations. Let me show you Batgirl's." I opened the door, and showed the assortment of unitards, boots, and capes. I closed the Batgirl door, and added, "Everyone's costume specifications are stored in the computer, along with body specifications." I pointed down a short corridor, and said, "The rouge's costumes are through there, if one of them had to be impersonated. Those costumes are primarily from raids and confiscation from the various hideouts. Because Batman's a much bigger person than Scarecrow or Joker, those costumes are there primarily for study. That's where Catwoman's costumes are stored." 

Sheila asked, "Is it legal to keep their equipment and costumes?" 

I shrugged, and said; "Jim … Commissioner Gordon once said that I broke several laws just by going out every night. I think of it as the 'greater good'. That's why I leave prostitutes and bookies alone, as long as they stay away from guns and drugs. They're good sources of intelligence on my enemies, and they like having my protection against some of their more unruly clients." 

I turned, and told Sheila, "The first thing we need to do is to update my body specifications, and while we're at it, we might as well add yours in. I hope you don't mind a bit of nudity. The computer will add in undergarments and armor, and the tighter a garment is, the better its range of motion, so for that, you can't have any clothing on for the scan. Besides, on all those skin-tight costumes you see people wear, did you ever see bra or panty lines?" I walked over to a console, and placed my palm on the scanner. I told it, "Update body scan. Kyle, Selina." I took a pair of protective goggles, and disappeared behind a folding Japanese screen. I pulled off my clothes, and put them on a small table. I called out, "Besides, it's a silly phobia. I'm proud of my body. We'll do you next."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked out, pulling my hair into a ponytail. I smiled at Sheila, and said, "Ready?" 

"Um, sure. Why am I doing this?" she asked as she took the goggles I handed her.

"Well, you're part of the family now. We might as well get the data. You never know when it might come in handy. There's no such thing as too much information." I said. "Besides, you saw my own scan on the display. It doesn't hurt, and all you have to do is to move around on the platform. Dance, kick box, do your katas, whatever, all you have to do is give the computer a full range of motion. It will chime when it has enough, and then you can get dressed." 

Sheila nodded, and vanished behind the screen. I told the computer, "New body scan. Hawking, Sheila." It beeped, and I called, "When you're ready, put the goggles on, and step on the platform. You'll see a blue light, that's the mapping beam. Start dancing, and stop when it chimes. I'll be out here waiting for you."

I heard the chime, and called, "That didn't hurt, did it? Get dressed and come on out. Leave the goggles on the table." I tapped keys to configure her settings. 

Sheila joined me in a minute, and asked, "Now what?" 

"I've updated your presets a bit. The women's breast support is a little weak, so I modify it for better support and lift. The men add in additional armor in the crotch." I eyed her, and grinned. "Want an additional cup size or two? It helps to disguise you, and we can do it here. Now we can outfit you in just about anything. I've entered your file here, and here is either a generic white costume, or we can build a custom one." I eyed her, and said, "Want to see what you'd look like as Supergirl?" 

Sheila grinned, and I touched a few keys. A solid looking hologram appeared on a small stage, and Sheila walked around it. I grinned, and changed the settings to Batgirl, then a Green Lantern. I said, "You wouldn't get an actual Oan power ring and lantern, of course. They're kind of scarce." 

"That would be cool for our Halloween party." Sheila said. "Can you change things?" 

"Sure. That's one reason I wanted to come down here tonight." I said. "I've been invited to one, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to wear my Catwoman outfit." I brought up a menu, and showed her how to change different parts of the outfit. I added, "You can build underwear and armor into the costume too. Batgirl has a 24-inch waist, the bitch, which I can't get without a corset. You can add it in with this system, and save the costume, too. Later, when you're old and fat, it will modify it to the latest body scans."  I moved to another terminal, and pulled up my scan, and the Catwoman costume. I started to play with equipment belts, but none of them worked with the costume. The only one that did was more costume jewelry than a useful belt. I sighed, and muttered in frustration, "Dammit." I added, "Sorry I'm bitchy. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Sheila glanced at me, then said, "Don't worry about it. We all have days like that. By the way, one of my co-workers took pictures of Ivy's, um, street decorations from the other night. I asked her to make me a set, as the 'victim'."

"How are you handling that little, ah, conflict of interest?" I asked. 

"As a victim of one of their crimes, I can hardly represent them in court. Since I'm a partner, nor can anyone from my firm. I filed motions of recusal for both myself and for my firm." She grinned, and added, "I really didn't want to represent them anyway. Let the PD's office handle them." 

"Works for me." I said. I looked at the costume she produced, and asked, "Want to try it on? Hit that oblong yellowish button, and it will be replicated in that tray over there." 

The replicator hummed, and Sheila turned to look at me. She asked, "Still trying to find a belt? Why don't you go out as Batgirl?" 

"Well, because I'm Catwoman." I answered.

"Are you? Why don't you try it as Batgirl? Seems like you're 'neither fish nor fowl'. You're you, Selina. Not Bruce anymore, and not Catwoman completely, either." She moved to collect her costume, and moved behind the screen.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m. and a frosty, frozen Wednesday the 29th to everyone from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO! Remember, only two days to go till Halloween! I'm Shawna Foxx; getting you up and out of your cozy den, so get your paw off that snooze button! I'll be here with you till ten, and we'll talk about costumes and Halloween parties later on. Now, we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report." I slapped the snooze button, yawned, and dragged myself out of the warm blankets, then stretched, turned, and made the bed. I stretched again, and walked into the bathroom. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good morning, everyone!" I said with a smile as I walked into the kitchen. I poured myself a cup of tea, and refilled Alfred's cup at his gesture. Sheila topped off Bruce's, and then poured a cup of coffee for herself. "So, what's everyone doing today?" I asked. 

"I've got my first Board meeting today." Bruce said. "I wish you could do it, Selina." 

"Office conferences with clients all day. You'd think with what people are paying me; they'd actually show up for some of these. Well, I get paid if they show up or not." Sheila said philosophically. 

"You have an eleven o'clock appointment with Dr. Phillips tomorrow." Alfred reminded me.

"Who's that?" I asked, taking a sip of tea.

"Your OB. Your first GYN exam, 'Selina'." Bruce said with a grin. 

Sheila had just taken a swallow of coffee, and some spilled onto her blouse as she choked back a laugh. She put her cup down, and sat down, her head back as she laughed. 

"If you give me that blouse right away, I shall clean the stain for you." Alfred told her. 

Sheila nodded, stood up, and said, "Thank you, Alfred. Excuse me, everyone." She left to put on another blouse, still chuckling. 

"What's so funny?" I asked. "It's a doctor's visit." 

"It's an OB. That's what's funny." Said Bruce. He didn't elaborate, and Alfred simply raised his eyebrow.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I knocked on Mrs. Harris' office doorframe, and asked, "Got a minute?" 

"Certainly, Selina. Please come in." my supervisor said. 

"I apologize for the short notice, but I've got an 11:00 appointment tomorrow for my OB that I completely forgot about." I said. 

"That's quite all right. One of those things we need to endure." She typed something into her terminal, and said, "All right, I've got you scheduled off tomorrow. If yours is anything like mine, you'll be there for a while. I like to take my needlepoint. Don't forget to tell Clarissa and Helen." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I put my things in the closet, and sat down at my desk. I waited until both Clarissa and Helen were off the phone, and said, "Sorry I'm late. I was with Mrs. Harris. I need to take tomorrow off." 

"Anything wrong?" Helen asked.

"OB appointment tomorrow at eleven." I answered. 

"Well, at least you can sleep in a bit." Clarissa said. "Who is it?" 

"Dr. Phillips." I answered.

"Oh, I like him!" Helen answered. "He warms his instruments!" 

"I'll have to make an appointment with him. Dr. Jorgensen's instruments are as frozen as her hands." Clarissa said. "Could you get some information about him for me, Selina?" 

"Sure." My phone rang, and I touched the button. "Gotham Legal Aid. How may I direct your call?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**### Chapter 23: Of Costumes and Caves**


	24. Of Doctors and Denial

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into the driveway, and keyed in the security code for the gate. I brushed my hair out of my eyes, and drove into the manor's garage. Tired as I was, I decided to be lazy, and used Barbara's keypad and ramp to open the door, instead of the key. 

Dropping my purse and gym bag on a chair, I sat at my vanity, and stared at my reflection for a minute. :: When do I get my body back? Damn you, J'onn! :: I sighed, and started to pull my jacket off. I hung it up, and booted my laptop to check my mail while I got my skirt and hose off. I inspected the hose, and noted only one small run on the heel. I could wear them again tomorrow with different shoes, so I put them in the bathroom sink to soak. I'd rinse them and hang them up to dry later. 

My mail program dinged. One message stood out among the spam:

From:    FunnyGirl funnygirl@freenet.gcu.edu

To:        KittyCat kittycat@freenet.gcu.edu

Subject: Pictures of your friends … 

Kitty: 

We've got pictures and video of the party we threw for your friends! Harvey and Puddin' entertained them while Pammie and I got ready (perfection takes time, y'know!). After that, it was a 'girls only' party (wink, wink, nudge, nudge!), while Harvey and Puddin' did their own thing.  Pammie and I traded off on the video camera, as we entertained your friends as only we can!

Why don't you and your friend stop by the 'berg? We've left copies with Sly in case we miss you. 

H.

I dug out a Post-it™ and scrawled a note for Sheila. 

_Sheila-_

_Can you come see me after you get changed? _

_Selina_

I didn't bother with a robe, just ran down the hallway barefoot in my underwear to her door. I turned the corner, and she was just opening the door. 

"Hello, Selina. Come on in. New costume?" She grinned. 

"Um. Well, I didn't want to bother with a robe, and I just got in … " I stammered. 

"It's just us girls. Don't worry about it. I guess you didn't go to slumber parties when you were a kid, did you?" At my blank look, she grinned again, and nodded. She motioned to a chair, and I flopped into it. She set her briefcase down on top of the box of case files on a small dolly, and then pulled her jacket off. Reaching behind her, she pulled down her dress zipper, and asked, "What can I do for you?" 

"I just got an email from Harley. They've got pictures and video from their 'guests', and wanted to know when we'd be by the Iceberg." 

"I can't. I've got trials coming up, and I've got to prepare for them. I've got case files to read tonight, and notes to make, and then I've got motions to draft tomorrow. Sorry, but as Mom once said, 'Not on a school night, young lady!' I'd like to see them, though. Maybe we could do a movie night?" Sheila replied. 

"I don't know if a 'movie night' would be a good idea. Harvey and Joker shot some of it, and then Ivy and Harley took over for them. I'll pick them up for you." I started to rise, and then remembered something else. I ran my hands through my hair, and said, "Sheila, I need a favor." She turned, and raised her eyebrow. I took a breath, and said, "What's an OB visit like?"

She giggled, and then kicked off her shoes, and sat in a chair in her slip, bra and pantyhose. She finally stopped laughing, and said, "I finally get to be a big sister! I'll tell you, but it comes with a price. First, I've been invited to a Halloween party at the university Friday night, and I don't want to go alone. Secondly, I want to go out on a patrol with you. That's you, as Batgirl. I think you need to accept that for the foreseeable future, you're female, which kind of rules out Batman, and Catwoman isn't known as a crime-fighter. As evidence, I'd like to introduce the rather scanty underwear you're wearing. It's very frilly, and very feminine." She looked at me, and asked, "Are we agreed?" 

I crumpled the note in my hand, then took a breath, and said, "Agreed." 

"Excellent! Now then, stand in front of the mirror, reach back and unfasten your bra." She waited until I did so, and then continued, "I want you to look at your breasts. Thrust them out, and run your hands over them. This is part of the exam, one that the doctor will do, but I also want to show you how to do a self-exam. Breast cancer is one of women's most secret and potent fears. We don't let this on to our husbands or lovers, but it's absolutely terrifying, and there's not nearly enough money spent on research. Now then, take your left hand …" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked into the kitchen, and dropped my purse next to the door. I poured myself a cup of tea, sat down, and stared into it. 

"Problem, Miss Selina?" Alfred asked. 

I sighed, and admitted, "Yes, Alfred. I wonder when I'm getting my original body back." 

"I see." Alfred sat down next to me, and said, "I daresay that Master Bruce is wondering the same thing. However, he is taking the opportunity to learn about life on the 'other side', so to speak. I daresay that it is something that many people have wondered about. You have a unique opportunity, Miss. I would suggest you take advantage of it." 

I took a sip of tea, and then stood up. "When did you get so wise, old friend? I'll go out and learn this female side, and profit by it." I patted his shoulder, and said, "Have a good day, my friend. I'm going to stop by the post office and check the boxes, then go by the Iceberg, and then to the doctor. Ta!" 

"Please pick up some stamps, Miss, and have a good day!" Alfred said. I waved, and left. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After cleaning out both Bruce's and my own mail boxes, I stood in line at the Gotham central post office, idly reading a copy of the "East Coast Meta Times - The publication for the X community!" I noticed Herr Kittlemeyer's first display ad, although it was nothing more than "Kittlemeyer's supplies" and a phone number. The lady behind me coughed, and I moved up in line, shoving the rest of the mail into my purse, and turned to the Gotham section. I glanced up, moved up another couple steps, and glanced through the usual ads for prostitutes, henchmen and women and the GCPD tip line (1-800-TIP-GCPD). I wondered how much business that line got. The lady coughed again, and I moved up to the counter. 

"Hello. Two rolls of first class stamps, and I'd like to pay the fee for box 561651, please." I said with a smile, as I got out my wallet.

The clerk glanced at the copy of the Times I had laid on the counter, grunted, and punched his terminal. "One oh five forty, lady." He stamped a receipt for the box, and another for the stamps. I laid down some bills, and he slid my sixty cents change back to me. I smiled at him, and he shouted, "Next!" I dropped the change in the bottom of my purse, grabbed my stamps and receipts, and pushed out the door. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

It was a few minutes before opening as I pulled into the Iceberg's parking lot. Killing the cycle's engine, I put my helmet on the bike, and walked up to the door. Tapping on the glass, I waved at Sly, who wandered over, and unlocked the door. "We're not open yet, Miss." 

"Sly! Don't you recognize me?" I purred in Catwoman's voice.

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't recognize you without the mask." Sly said. 

I grinned, and resumed my normal voice. "Don't worry about it. Pamela left some stuff for me?" 

"Sure. C'mon in while I get it." He held the door for me, and I strolled in, boot heels clicking on the tile. A small blonde that I recognized was mopping the floor, and glanced at me as I followed Sly to the bar. Her eyes widened, and I saw her lips tighten. 

"She looks familiar." I said as Sly rummaged behind the bar. 

He glanced up at me, and said, "She gave you as a reference. She got out with that jailbreak a couple days ago, said her street name was 'PomPom'." 

"Don't worry about it. I need to talk to Oswald tonight anyway; I'll tell him then. How's she doing?" I accepted the package from Sly with a smile. 

"Okay, but I get the idea that this is her first job, y'know?" 

I smiled and nodded. "Gotta run. Thanks; Sly, and I'll see you tonight! Have a good day!" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked into the Doctor's office five minutes early, and noticed a clipboard. I told the receptionist, "I'm Selina Kyle, and I have an eleven o'clock appointment with Dr. Phillips." 

"Sign in, please, and have a seat. The Doctor's running a few minutes late today." The receptionist said as she pulled out a file from one pile, and put it on a counter. 

I scribbled my name, and wrote 10:55 in the column to the right. Turning, I surveyed the room, done in peach with white trim, with comfortable chairs, several plants, kids playing with puzzles in a corner, and two trapped looking men, sitting with their wives or girlfriends. One of them looked familiar, and the blonde next to him glanced up from her needlepoint, smiled, and waved. 

I sat down next to her, and said with a smile, "Hello, Harley. Fancy meeting you two here." Joker just continued to hunch forward, as in pain, rolling and unrolling a copy of Cosmopolitan back and forth in his hands. 

"How can you stand this hellish torture?" Joker whispered. "There's not even anything good on TV - just those damned soap operas!" 

"Don't we live soap-opera lives, Harley, dear?" I asked. "Poor dear would die for some football now, wouldn't he?" 

"Or even CNN." Harley agreed. She addressed Joker, "Now, Puddin', I told you that I'd be perfectly fine by myself, but you insisted on coming ta keep an eye out. Just relax, would ya?" 

The nurse called "Ms. Smith? This way, please." Harley and Joker both stood up, and Harley gently pushed him down. "I'll be back soon, puddin'. Relax and read a magazine." I glanced around, and the other man was reading the only copy of Newsweek. 

I sat back, and pulled out a copy of the Meta Times. I glanced at the address block to make sure I didn't give Joker Bruce's copy, and then offered it to him. He grabbed at it like a drowning man, with only a nod of thanks. I dug a novel (borrowed from Sheila) along with a tracking bug out of my purse, and then set it down next to Harley's bag of needlepoint supplies. I palmed the bug into her bag, settled back, and started to read. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Ms. Kyle? Sorry for the delay. The doctor will see you now." Joker waved the magazine at me, and I smiled and shook my head. Stuffing the novel back into my purse, I glanced at my watch (12:35!), and followed the nurse. 

"Take a robe, and change in one of those rooms. I'll be back in a minute for you." The nurse told me. I sighed, and found a robe, and took it with me. 

:: This thing doesn't close all the way, and it's too short! :: I told myself as I glanced in the mirror. I heard the nurse say, "Ms. Kyle? Are you ready? Clothes in a bag? You can hang your jacket up in here if you want." 

:: I want to wear it! :: I told myself. "Just a sec!" I called, as I folded and stuffed my jeans and clothing in the plastic grocery bag Sheila had suggested I stash in my purse. Carrying my boots and purse, along with the bag, I staggered out, and handed my jacket to the nurse, who slid it on a wire coat hanger, then waved me after her. I followed her down the corridor, and into a room. She slid my file into a bin on the door, then closed the door with a cheerful smile on her face. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Hello, Ms. Kyle. Long time no see." A man in his early sixties came in, closing the door after himself. He had a ridge of gray hair with the typical male pattern baldness, but didn't try to hide it by attempting a comb-over. Tall, and fairly thin, he smiled at me, and said; "I mustn't forget to get those samples from you this time. So, how have you been?" 

"Um. Average, I think. You know, same old, same old." I replied. 

The doctor grunted, and said, "Ready? Up on the table, you know the routine." He turned to wash his hands, and then donned a pair of gloves. He turned, and said, "It's difficult to give you an exam when you're wearing that gown. Off with it, please, and feet in the stirrups." He turned to pull off the wrapping from an instrument tray, and then placed the instruments on a rolling cart. He took a shiny pistol-like thing, and checked the action. Putting it down, he pulled me closer to the edge, and adjusted the position of my feet in the stirrups.  He hummed a bit, and I jumped when he … inserted that pistol thing into me, and started to adjust it He glanced up, and asked, "Too cold?" 

"No, just a bit … unexpected." I answered. He grunted, and I could feel … things … moving in me. I reminded myself to thank Sheila. If I had done this unprepared, the doctor would have needed a doctor himself now. 

I felt the pistol thing withdrawn, and my feet removed from the stirrups. They were swung to the side, and the doctor motioned me to sit up. He stepped to the side to change gloves, and then asked me, "How are your periods? Your normal flow, time and duration?" I nodded, even though I had no idea, and he continued, "You're overdue for a mammogram. We can do it today if you'd like, or schedule it for later. Do you think you are, or might be, pregnant?" I shook my head, and he added, "Given your 'night job', Ms. Kyle, I'd suggest doing it now. If you'd sit up, I'll do a breast exam for you." I leaned back and thrust out my chest, and the doctor started to examine my breasts. He was unaware of my tension, but I breathed deeper when he finished. 

"No problems found. Do you want to do the mammogram, or are you in a hurry?" 

"No, let's do it." I said. Sheila hadn't mentioned this. "You still need those samples?" I asked. 

"Please. The nurse will do them and the mammogram. Do you have any questions?"

"Um. Yes." I took a deep breath, and asked, "About my … night job?" 

"As Catwoman? Yes. I won't go into my feelings about it; that's your choice. Why, did something happen?" 

"Well, yes. A few weeks ago, Batman and I ran into a trap of Harley's, and we, well, we … switched minds." I forced out. 

"I see. You're referring to the Joker's girlfriend, Harlequin? The same Joker that's sitting in my waiting room right now?" I nodded, and he said, "Excuse me a moment." He turned, and walked out the door. I dove for my purse, and pulled out my cell phone, quickly punching in the GCPD's tip number. It rang and rang, until finally a bored operator picked up. 

"Tip Gotham PD. Your name, please?" 

"That doesn't matter, I've got the location of the …" I said.

"I can't process your information without a name." 

"Fine. Um. Hillary Clinton. Now then, the location of the …" 

"Your phone number, Ms. Clinton?" 

"Look, do you want this information or not?" I demanded.

"Your phone number, Ms. Clinton?" 

"555-1212! It's the location of the Joker! It's …" 

"That's not the number I show. May I have your phone number, Ms. Clinton?" the nasal operator said. I snarled and hung up. I was about to call the Commissioner's office directly, when I heard footsteps outside. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

A tap on the door sounded, and Dr. Phillips walked back in. He said, "Sorry. I wanted to get blood and urine samples from her before she left. I doubt I could get one from him, although I'd dearly love to." He cleared his throat, then said, "I presume this has been verified somehow, although I have no idea how it would be." 

"Actually, the Manhunter from the JLA verified it with a mind-touch." I said, as I dropped my cell phone back in my purse. "I normally wouldn't have told you, but, well, Catwoman said you could be trusted." 

"That's nice to know. Now then, I'm sure that you have all kinds of questions. Why don't you put the gown back on, and then we can finish up the lab work. You can then get dressed. I'll sit down with you, and explain your new plumbing to you, like I would with a girl that's just started." He raised an eyebrow, and I nodded. With a smile, he gathered up my chart. As he turned to leave, he added, "By the way, although I am loath to violate the trust of my patients, their safety comes first. I did call the police with the location of the Joker and Ms. Quinzel. They should be able to handle the matter." He opened the door, and left me to try to figure out how to tie the gown's strings so it would stay on. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The blood and urine samples were routine. However, the mammogram involved squishing each of my breasts between two steel plates, while wearing a lead apron. They were cold steel plates, too. I wondered if my breasts would even fit in my bra again. I got dressed, and the nurse waved me over to wait in Dr. Phillips' office. I set my things down on a chair, and examined some of the puzzles and games in the office. 

"Mr. Nigma gave those to me." Dr. Phillips said as he came in the door. "We share a love of puzzles. He's donated some of the ones in the play area - all non-lethal, I assure you. Puzzles keep my mind active. I met him at the Barnes and Noble in Tribeca. While I'm sure that you're concerned about the Joker and Ms. Quinzel, the matter is being handled. Please, have a seat, and let's talk." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I walked out with two new patient envelopes (one for Clarissa), and noticed the turf signs outside Dr. Phillips' office. I took out a Sharpie™ marker, examined them, and touched up Batgirl's. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I started the motorcycle and engaged the tracking device for Harley's bug. I saw the bug's icon about eight blocks away. Securing my helmet, I turned out of the parking lot, and pursued. 

I stopped at a police barricade about three blocks from the bug's location. I heard some shots in the distance, but the cop told me to "Move along, Miss. Nothing to see here." A couple of police helicopters clattered overhead. I waved at the cop, and pulled away. 

Two blocks further on, I pulled into an alleyway to think. Plugging in my helmet radio to the police band, I heard "Joker's down! Joker's down! Leg wound, approach with caution!" I checked the bike's storage compartments, and only found Catwoman's gear. I debated with myself if I should change, and try to approach the site in daylight as Catwoman with the heavy police presence, or wait until night. We were in the university district, so it was likely that Harley had rented a safe house here, posing as a student.  

"Hey, babe! New in town?" A fraternity jock asked me. I glared at him and started the bike. "Bitch!" I heard his buddy mutter. I gunned the engine and headed home. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into the garage, and gassed the bike up. Parking it, I waved hello to Alfred, and headed down into the cave. I dropped my purse on a table, and checked the tracking bug's location, which hadn't changed from the corner of Magnolia and 31st. I pulled off my jacket, and turned on the police band radio as I logged into the computer. 

I heard her heels, and Sheila asked, "How did the doctor's appointment go?" 

I looked up, and answered "Fine. Thanks for your help, by the way." 

"No problem. What are you looking for?" 

"Harley's safe house in the university district." I pointed to the tracking bug's icon on the wall map. "The bug that I planted on her hasn't changed from its location on the Southeast side, but there are no apartments there, just small shops and bodegas, so she must have dropped it. That area has to be where she's taken Joker. The last I heard, he was injured in a shootout with police." I replied.

"Hmf. How are you doing this?" 

I sat back and steepled my fingers. "I'm running a search on rental apartments, cross-referencing them with power and utility bills, so I can get a feel for occupancy patterns." 

"That's going to be a lot of data. Try eliminating those people that have had phone service for at least six months. They're likely to be permanent residents, or students, and Harley is probably using a cell phone. Also, don't forget that Gotham U. just implemented year-round classes as an option, so there's going to be some students that would stay over the summer, instead of going home." Sheila suggested. 

I considered this, and glanced up at her. "How did you know that?" I asked, as I keyed in the additional queries. 

"I taught a family law course there last term." She poked my shoulder, and said, "Something you should consider, young lady. It doesn't hurt you to get out and socialize, you know." 

I snorted. "I don't have time for socializing. There are criminals out there." 

Sheila turned my chair, and leaned on the arms, facing me. "No, there are people out there. Would you consider yourself a criminal? By the standards of our society, you are, or you at least have a criminal past, Selina Kyle. You yourself are not an absolutist. You let the 'victimless' criminals go in order to catch the bigger fish. Otherwise you'd be arresting every bookie and hooker on the street." She took a step away, and said, "I once defended Pamela Isley, when she was just starting out as Poison Ivy. I asked her why. Why did she live in the park, why did she steal? She answered very simply that there was no place else for her to live, outside a hospital ward. She stole to eat, to survive. She couldn't go on public assistance, so what other choice did she have? You don't hassle the homeless people, why go after Pamela? It's too bad she didn't remember me." She took another step back, and said, "If you want my help, I'll give it. But I'll also be helping people that need it. That's why I took up criminal law, to help people. Someone like Joker is a mad dog. Harley, though? Harley needs help, not a punch in the jaw." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Preliminary results gave over a hundred and fifty possible safe houses. I looked over the list, and then headed for the costume vault. I stopped at Catwoman's, but then turned, and opened Batgirl's. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**### Chapter 24: Of Doctors and Denial**


	25. Of Horses and Swords

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I had never gone out as Batgirl before, and it was even more unusual to go out in the afternoon, but I had to find Harley and the Joker. I stopped the cycle at the light, and tried to ignore the college boys in the convertible to the right. The light changed, and I continued down Magnolia Avenue toward 31st street. Changing the resolution on the scanner, I looked ahead to try to locate where Harley's bag had been. The trace now had it downtown, in evidence storage. I signaled, and then turned left into a parking lot. The location had been just a few feet away. I parked the motorcycle, and got off to look. 

I found one of Harley's 9mm shell casings, and bullet holes in a mailbox. I stood up and walked around the scene. Harley had crouched *here*, supporting the injured Joker. Yes, there were bloodstains about where his leg would have been. I moved aside a trash container, and found fragments of Harley's sewing bag, caught on some steel-reinforcing rod. I worked them off the rod, and slid it into a sample tube. It would probably have traces of her DNA. I took samples of Joker's blood, and also Harley's shell casing. I looked at the bullet holes in the mailbox. The police must have been over *there*, and yes, I could see bullet holes in the building's walls. I secured the samples in my bike, and walked over to take a look. 

:: Harley's a lousy shot. :: I thought, as I stood on a car's hood, and pried out a slug from a hole. I dropped it into an evidence tube, then jumped off the hood, and looked at the scene from where the cops had been. I picked up a missed shell casing, and looked at it. :: A .38 short. Department issue. :: I mused. I turned and walked back to where Harley and Joker had been. 

I looked around the scene again, examining the bloodstains. :: Let's see. Joker was hit over *here*, crawled behind the mailbox, returned fire from his custom .44 revolver. :: I counted the circles on the ground from the spent brass, which the cops had picked up. :: He reloaded at least once, then Harley supported him and they went *that* way. :: I added it to the other evidence in the bike, and followed the bloodstains, pulling out my list of possible safehouses to check. 

I thought to myself, :: From the amount of blood I've seen, Joker's wound isn't life-threatening, but it's not a scratch, either. It's painful, and he's not one to lie quietly in bed. She may be looking for a doctor for him, or even medical supplies. :: I started the bike, and flipped to the page with this zip code. I rode toward the first possible location. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The first building I checked was a seven-story walk-up with a broken elevator. While it was a possibility, the filthy condition of the lobby and the lack of blood spatter on the stairs, plus the fact that I didn't see Harley dragging her 'puddin' up two or more flights of stairs discounted it for me. Both Harley and Joker were too fastidious to tolerate these conditions.

I pulled up to the next building, and parked on the sidewalk. It was closer to Fraternity Row, and had several apartments; and was much cleaner, although the smell of marijuana was potent. I saw several apartments with window boxes holding the withered stems of plants. I took a deep breath of fresh air, and walked up to the front porch, where several students were hanging out. 

"Hey, babe!" One of them said. "What's with the gray today?" He giggled at his own humor. 

"Dude! That's like, Batchick, man! Where you been?" one said. 

"Dude! Like, I'm from Metropolis, man. We get, like, Big Blue zoomin' around. No Bats." He took a hit on his cigarette, and offered it to me. "Take a toke, Batchick?" he offered. 

I shook my head, and the local said, "Dude, you are seriously wacked. That chick is like, The Man. You don't offer the man a toke." He focused on me, and said, "What can we do for you, Ossifer?" He held the attentive pose for a few seconds, and then dissolved into giggles. 

"I'm looking for Joker and Harley Quinn. Joker's been injured, they are probably in this area." I held out photos, and the local tried to focus on them. 

"Oh, wow. That is seriously bad shit, Ossifer Batchick." The local said. He put his cigarette down, and tried to clear his head. He staggered away, and threw up in the bushes. He staggered back, and grabbed onto the railing for support, taking deep breaths. 

"Dude, you got some bad weed? And, like, why are you helping Ossifer Batchick?" the other asked. 

"Joker is like, a seriously, seriously bad dude, Dude. He'll kill ya slow for wearing the wrong color socks, and laugh about it while he's doin' it, man. If he's in the area, we are in deep, deep, deep shit. Really bad, deep shit. If Ossifer Batchick is going after Joker, we gotta help her, man. This goes way beyond cops and stoners, man." He took some more deep breaths, then asked, "Ossifer Batchick, what can you tell us? How can we help?" 

The local didn't remember seeing them go by, but he admitted he had been in class at the time of the shootout. However, someone else had been there at the time, and may have seen them. He directed me to someone named 'Jared' in apartment 3b. I thanked him, and ran up the stairs. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Jared was apparently the local grower; he had a quantity of plants in a bedroom, with grow lights and a hydroponic arrangement. I had to force my way in once he saw me, but once I mentioned the magic word 'Joker', he was willing to help. He had watched the Joker and Harley go down the street for about three blocks, until they had turned north on Jamaica Street and had been lost from sight. I thanked him, and added, "Jared, lose the plants. Quickly." I'd give him 24 hours. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The local was admiring my motorcycle, while weaving slightly. I thanked him again, and started the bike. I checked my list, and there was one possibility on Jamaica Street. I put the bike in gear, and drove off. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I parked the bike a few houses down and across the street from the target. :: This would be so much easier at night! :: I told myself. I sighed, and made myself as invisible as I could, wearing yellow gloves and knee boots with four-inch heels. :: What was Barbara thinking when she designed this outfit? :: I snuck up on the target house, doing a careful and stealthy reconnaissance. I saw one reason why Harley had chosen it; the second floor apartment had a separate entrance, a set of stairs in the back of the house. I completed my circuit of the house, and then did another one, reversing my path. This time I saw dark spots on the wooden stairs. I came closer, and touched one. Blood, still slightly tacky. I heard the creak of the door upstairs, and hid behind a bush. 

"I'll be back shortly, Puddin'!" Harley called. I rolled my eyes. :: What an idiotic nickname! :: She clumped down the stairs, and walked toward the garage, fiddling with some keys. She unlocked the padlock, and grunted to pull one of the doors open. Bracing it in place, she got the other one open, and I saw a classic Mustang convertible. She adjusted her brown wig and dress, and entered the garage. I was right behind her. 

"That's a really stupid nickname, Harley." I said. She jumped, and I touched the nerves in her neck. Her eyes rolled up, and she collapsed. I grinned to myself, gagged her, and secured her with bat-cuffs. Opening the trunk, I muscled her in, and got in to drive. The car had been backed in, so I simply drove off. 

:: Now where? :: I asked myself. Joker would expect her back in no more than half an hour. I grinned, and thought of my friend Jared. I turned right, and headed that way. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into the driveway, and jumped out. Popping the trunk, I pulled the still-sleeping Harley out, and muscled her into a fireman's carry. Grabbing her purse, I saw my friend the local was still on the front steps, and greeted me with a "How's they hangin', Ossifer Batchick?" He giggled. 

"Pretty good. Meet Harley Quinn, also known as the Joker's girlfriend." 

"Cool. What can we do for you, Ossifer Batchick?" 

"I need someplace where I can secure my friend here for a while. Think Jared would mind if I borrowed one of his rooms?" He waved, and I walked up the steps to 3b again. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

In Jared's bathroom, I carefully stripped Harley, searching her for weapons. Aside from the 9mm she had in her purse, she had nothing in her clothes or on her body. I left her sitting on the dirty floor in her underwear, with her hands back cuffed and with her ankles shackled behind the toilet. She wouldn't have leverage to escape, that way. I left her blindfolded, and removed her gag. I popped the wake-up capsule under her nose; just enough for her to answer questions, then threw it in the toilet. She moaned, and I asked, "Harley?" 

"Puddin', not now, I got a headache." 

"Harley, what were you getting? What were you getting for Puddin'?" I asked. 

She moaned, and said, "Medicine. Food. Eggs and milk. Where's Puddin'?" 

"Puddin' s outside. When were you due back?"

"Shortly. Five-ish."  She yawned. I checked my watch, then gagged her again, and used another nerve pinch to put her back to sleep. Arranging her comfortably, I gathered up her things while she snored, and tiptoed out the door, although a herd of elephants wouldn't have woken her. 

I closed the door to Jared's bathroom, and used a quick-lock on it to make sure Harley would be undisturbed. Jared was doing a land-office business, and I was ignored as I went into the kitchen. I piled some of Jared's groceries into a bag, and then pulled Harley's dress on over my batsuit. It was cool enough that she had chosen long sleeves and a long skirt. Picking up Harley's wig, I put it on over my cowl, and with her purse over my shoulder and groceries, I walked out. 

"Jared." I stopped by the dealer, and said, "I borrowed some groceries. Here's forty bucks for them. Don't let anyone in your bathroom. Understood?" 

"Yes, Ossifer Batchick. Wow, you look cool!" I snorted and took my leave. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I took a deep breath, then, trying to imitate Harley's unique voice, I tromped up the stairs, yelling, "Puddin', I'm home!" I fumbled with the keys, sweating slightly, and then opened the door. I dropped the groceries on the kitchen table, and tiptoed into a quick search. Joker was snoring softly on the couch, his .44 in his hand, and the late afternoon news on TV. I popped a sleep capsule under his nose, and then gently removed the giant revolver from his grip. He shifted, and grabbed me, mumbling something. I waited, and then eased away from him. I ever so slowly stripped him, searching him for weapons, although his smiley-face boxers held a surprise. :: There's got to be another reason she stays with him! :: I thought. I gently replaced the boxers, and Joker turned in his sleep, sprawling bonelessly onto the floor. 

:: Ah, well. Take advantage of the opportunity. :: I double-cuffed Joker's wrists and ankles, then examined his wound. :: Shot in the left thigh. :: I strapped a quick bandage on it, then sat him against the wall. I quickly checked the medicine cabinet, and found some elastic bandages. Rolling up one of Joker's socks, I stuffed it in his mouth, and then wrapped the elastic around his eyes and mouth. I got out of the dress and wig, and checked for anything else I would need. I pulled Joker into a fireman's carry, shoved his revolver in my belt, and staggered out the door, pulling it closed behind me. :: I've got to work on some strength training! :: I told myself.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I left Joker in the trunk while I went to retrieve Harley, asking the locals to watch and make sure nobody touched the Mustang. Going back up the stairs, I released Harley's feet and resecured them. Since I had left her dress in the safe house, I didn't bother to cover either one of them. Their modesty was a low priority to me. Waving good-bye to Jared, I carried her down, and added her to my little collection in the trunk. Lowering the roof, I waved, and drove off, cape and hair blowing in the breeze. 

:: This is a nice car. Someone's done a lot of work on it. :: I pulled up at a light, and a motorcycle cop pulled up next to me. He did a double take, and said, "Hey, Batgirl! Long time no see! Where you been?" 

"Off-planet." I said with a smile. The light changed, I waved, and drove off. 

I waited for traffic, and then did a U-turn into the Batmobile's reserved space in front of the 25th precinct. A cop came up and said, "Hey, lady, you can't … " He stopped when I turned to smile at him. 

"Officer DuPont, isn't it? And your partner is Miller, isn't she? Are you two just going on shift?" I asked. He nodded, and I saw Miller come down the steps. I crooked my finger at them, and walked back to the trunk. I asked them, "Want a bust?" Without waiting for an answer, I popped the trunk lid, and took a step back, waving at the contents. Miller looked in, and dropped her coffee.  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I hopped off the back of the motorcycle cop's bike, and gave him his spare helmet back. He turned, and said, "Man, what's that smell?" 

"Local dopers around the corner. Do me a favor, and wait 24 hours before you discover them? They were a bunch of good citizens, and helped me a lot." I said with a smile. 

"Ok. I won't see them when I drive by, then. Thanks, Batgirl, and have a good day!" He grinned, and sped off. I walked down the street to my bike, started the engine, and drove off. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into the cave, and gassed the bike up. Setting my helmet on it, I walked over to the costume vault to shower and change. I was looking forward to visiting the Iceberg, and seeing what local reaction was to Batgirl's reappearance.  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled my motorcycle into the Iceberg's parking lot, and pulled off my helmet, shaking out my hair. I waved at Sly behind the bar before strolling into the ladies' room. I opened a stall, and found Melinda, or as she was now calling herself, PomPom, sobbing into her hands. 

"Hey. What's going on? Why are you crying?" I asked. She looked up and gave a muffled shriek, then tried to scamper away from me. 

"Y… You're gonna k … kill me!" She babbled. 

"She won't. I may, if you don't start talking." I turned, and saw Pamela. 

I sighed, and said, "What are you doing here, Melinda? Why did you break out of jail?" 

"I … I just ran with the rest of the girls when the wall got blown apart. I hated that place! I never want … to go b … back!" She blubbered. 

"You aren't cut out for this. Go home." Pamela said, and I agreed with her. 

"D … Daddy disowned me … I can't!"  

"Oh, brother." Pamela said. Pamela continued, "Look. You've got two choices. You can either stay on the run, or you can give yourself up. The longer you're on the run, the higher the chance you're going to get picked up. You don't have the street smarts to survive long on the run, so you might as well give yourself up and go back to jail. I know it's not a pleasant place, but getting your throat slit here is more likely." 

"Besides, you used my name as a reference." I added. "I don't like that. I'll forgive it this one time, but that's the only free ride you'll get out of me. Oswald will ask what I want done with you." I checked my watch, and then added, "I'll give you six hours to decide, until midnight, and then leave it up to him. He doesn't like employees that try to deceive him." I turned to leave, and then added, "Fix your makeup and costume before going back to work." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Little twit." Pamela said as she made her way to the bar. 

"Wak, wak! Ladies, how are you doing?" Oswald asked. 

"Fine, Oswald. Thank you for your help with that little 'project' of mine." I said. I added, "Pamela, I haven't had a chance to thank you or Harley yet for the photos and video. I was able to stop by this afternoon on the way to the doctor and pick them up." 

"Anything wrong?" Pamela asked.

I shook my head. "Routine OB visit. Same one you go to, I believe." 

"Wak, wak!" Oswald made to move off, and I said, "Oswald, I gave that little twit crying in your ladies' room until midnight to make up her mind. After that, she's yours. She used my name without my permission." 

"I advised her to give herself up. She's not cut out for this life." Pamela said. She turned, and said, "What's the latest? I hear that Batgirl's reappeared." 

"Wak, wak! You're right, my dear. I hear she bagged both Joker and Harley single-handedly. The story I heard was … "  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I got back to the manor about eight, grabbed another shower, and after wrapping myself in a robe, walked down to Sheila's room. I knocked, and heard her call "Come in!" 

"Hi, Sheila. How'd your cases go?" I asked.

"Ah, so-so. Win some, lose some." She grinned, and said, "I did get one guy's charges dismissed. It's good, he's a really nice guy, and the charges were bogus. Anyway, what's up with you?"

"I really wanted to thank you for your advice about Dr. Phillips. He's going to call me with the results of the samples he took, but he didn't find anything wrong. By the way, I had in interesting meeting there with Harley and Joker." I said.

Sheila's eyes widened, and she asked, "Joker was there?" 

"Yes. As you can guess, he was not particularly comfortable, but he had insisted on accompanying Harley. Someone dropped a dime on them, and the cops caught them." I changed the subject. "Want to go out with me tonight? Even though it's a 'school night'?" I grinned.

"Sure! I'm all caught up. Let me just get changed … " 

"We get changed downstairs." I walked to the door, and made an 'after you' gesture.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I took my Batgirl costume down, and started to pull on the leggings. Sheila ducked into the shower, and I heard it running. I looked at her folded costume, and made a decision. I pulled on the rest of the suit, and quickly walked out of the locker room. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I stopped Sheila before she pulled on her Lantern outfit. I told her, "That ring you've got is fine for an office costume party. It won't cut it on the streets of Gotham. I've got a different costume for you." 

"Okay. Who and why?" 

"The who is Spoiler. You're about the same height, but she's a level six, so she's about your level of martial arts expertise. Anything like that comes along, let me take over, and you can assist. Why is because she uses a full face mask, and this way the cover story is that you're helping me get re-acquainted after I've been off planet." I said.

"And if Ms. Spoiler shows up?" Sheila asked.

"I doubt if she will. She's got classes." I grinned, and said, "I was thinking about checking out the University area first, and we'll see how things go. Ever ridden a motorcycle?" 

Sheila got a wistful look, and said, "I used to on weekends when I was on active duty. I had to sell my Softail™ to cover part of law school. It's been a few years." 

"You don't forget. I'll walk you through an equipment and comm check, then we'll hit the road." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"How do I look?" Sheila asked. 

"Good. You look real." I said. I asked, "Are you ready? Last step is a comm check." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Oracle. Comm check. Batgirl. I'm with Spoiler tonight." 

"Read you five by. Why Spoiler?" 

"Um. It's me. Sheila Hawking. How do you read me, Oracle?"

Oracle laughed. "Five by five, Spoiler. If the other one shows up, I'll keep her away from you. This is secure, encrypted communications. I'm Barbara. Selina will keep an eye out for you, but I want the story, you two! There are the usual minor things going on tonight. Oh, and by the way, Batgirl, nice catch of the Joker and Harley this afternoon. Want to start anyplace special?" 

"I was thinking of the University area. Good place for Spoiler to get her feet wet." Sheila nodded, and I said, "Batgirl and Spoiler, out.

"Oracle out."

I mounted my motorcycle, and said, "C'mon. Let's roll." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I stopped at a light, and asked, "How are you doing?" 

"Fine so far. Any reason?" 

"Undergrad housing and some private apartments are up ahead. Let's check it out, there's usually some muggers and attempted rapists around. There's also some broadcasting convention in town, so we can check the hotel areas over south of there." The light changed, and I goosed the throttle. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila said, "I was thinking of something. Hope you don't mind a question." 

"Not at the moment. What is it?" I replied as I stopped at a light. I returned some sorority girls' waves, grinning to myself.

"I don't want to use Spoiler, permanently, of course. Know of anyone going by 'Justice'?" Sheila chuckled at the girls' squeals of excitement. 

"Not that I know of. We can ask Oracle. She'd probably love to help you with the design. Just watch out for yellow." I grinned.

"What's wrong with yellow?" Oracle asked. "The convention is supposed to be letting out shortly, so you might want to head over to the hotel district. There's always lots of tourists, and lots of muggers and rapists." 

"Yellow? Nothing, in the right places." I said. The light changed, and I goosed the Harley's engine.  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"By the way, there's a Dr. Justice in Europe, mostly the Eastern bloc." Oracle said. "Environmental and humanitarian work, primarily. He's even got a web site, which *some* of us don't see the need for. So, how do you two want to work this?" 

"I was planning on parking, and maneuvering by jump line. Spoiler can cruise, and when either one of us sees something, we can use each other for distractions. Also, I'm an urban legend. I don't exist, so why would I need a web site?" 

"That's fine by me. I love this bike!" Spoiler said.

"Some people, you just can't change their minds." Oracle sighed. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I pulled into a parking lot, and activated the bike's security systems. I waved at the attendant, who called, "Nice to see you again, Batgirl!" I ran down the block, and into an alleyway between two hotels. Jumping, I grabbed the fire escape ladder, and started to climb.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"I'm on the roof." I said. "I'm going to work southeast toward the convention center. I can see people starting to come out, so the muggers are going to have a good haul. Spoiler, you ready?" 

"Let's do it." 

I ran toward the edge of the roof, and jumped.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Two women were walking past an alleyway, when a man stepped out with a rifle. I saw it from two blocks away, as they were herded into the alley. I called, "Spoiler. A man with a rifle just herded two women into an alleyway three blocks ahead of you on the left. I'll get in position, and you can distract them when you turn in. I'll drop in, and distract them from you."  

I moved into place four stories above the alleyway, on the fire escape. The last quarter moon, and a few 40-watt bulbs lighted the alley. I called "Eight Dragons, four female suspects, and the two female victims." Spoiler pulled into the alleyway, high beams on, and everyone oriented toward her. I jumped, catching my cape, my shadow being cast by the moon. I dropped on the guy with the carbine, flipping a razor toward the other rifle, covering the two women. It sliced into the receiver of the gun, making it into an awkward club. I spun, and knocked the pistol out of one girl's hand, following it up with a right cross that knocked her out. I then spun and chopped another Dragon into unconsciousness. One of the two victims had used my distraction to take out a gang member with tae-kwon-do, while her companion was just letting loose a scream. Spoiler had taken out two others, leaving six to go. I flipped razors at the two with guns, jumped and kicked a chain-spinner's head, then snap-kicked one with a bleeding hand from the razor on the rebound. Eight down. The ninth was a female ganger with a bleeding hand, taken out by the fighting victim with a nice flurry of jabs. The other victim was just drawing breath for a second scream. Spoiler took out two others, leaving the gang leader the last one standing. The victim let her breath out, and I glanced at her, and said, "Welcome to Gotham City." I strode up to the gang leader, and said, "How's it going to be, Myoshi? Easy or hard?" 

"Fuck you, Bat-bitch!" he screamed, starting to pull a gun. I shrugged, and rabbit-punched him, and he collapsed. I shrugged, and then heard a whistling sound above. I turned, and a blue blur showed in the night air. It coalesced into Superman, who lowered himself to the alley ground. 

"Oracle, call the paddy wagon to this location. Twelve gang members for them." I turned to Superman, and asked, "What are you doing here?" I started to search and cuff the gang members, assisted by Spoiler, and when the victim asked, I passed her some plastic cuffs, so she could help. 

"I got an emergency signal from Lois." He said. He asked her, "You all right?" She nodded. 

I stood up, and told Superman, "Welcome to Gotham; now go home. Get a cat out of a tree or something. We've got work to do." I turned and ignored him, showing the victim how to search an unconscious body. I glanced at her. She was a strawberry blonde, petite figure, with a fading tan and freckles across her upturned nose. I told her, "You handled yourself well. Better than Ms. Lane." 

"Thanks. I think it comes from growing up in this town. You never know what's going to come at you." She stood up, and said, "Welcome back. Where were you?" Her convention nametag read 'Gotham Broadcast and Media convention', and underneath it gave her name, Heather MacDonald, WGHO 'Shawna Foxx'. 

"I've been off planet. I just got back a short time ago. By the way, I like your show." I told her. 

"Oh, my god! Thank you! You don't know how it feels to be appreciated … err.. Um. God, that was stupid." She blushed, and said, "Why else would you do it?"  

I grinned, and pulled a razor wing out of a gun. I glanced at it, and a tip was bent. I refolded it, and handed it to her. "Because I'm needed, and I can make a difference. Here. Souvenir. Be careful, it's very sharp. What did you think when we first showed up?" I inspected and stowed the other 'wings.

"I thought, 'Oh, thank God, a Bat!' and then I got angry, so I started fighting. Um, could I ask you to, um, autograph this?" Heather swallowed nervously. 

I took the proffered marker, and scribbled 'Heather - Batgirl' and the date. I grinned, and said, "For what it's worth, aside from my cards, I think that's the first autograph I've given." I heard the sirens, and said, "We've got to go. Give a statement and the assorted weapons to the cops, and enjoy the rest of the convention." I called "Spoiler, let's go!" and fired a jump line to make a quick getaway.  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I had to give Superman credit. He stayed in Gotham and helped us out. By the end of the evening, we had accounted for a dozen failed armed robberies, muggings, and rapes in the convention center area. Superman had accounted for a few more by himself, although usually with more property damage. About three, I decided to call it a night. It was a 'school night', after all. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We pulled into the cave, and parked the bikes. Sheila said, "Excuse me!" and ran off toward the locker rooms. I followed after her, and told the air in the lady's room, "Once you've finished, before you change, you do maintenance on your bike and on your uniform. That means refueling and maintenance on the bike, and restocking the expended supplies, changing batteries, and so forth. I'll be waiting for you with the bikes." 

I was running a diagnostic on my bike when Sheila reappeared. She had removed her cape and mask, while I was still fully dressed. Sheila asked, "Don't you … need to?" 

"Of course. However, I go by the old cavalry motto, 'The horse, the sword, and the man.' That means that I take care of my equipment, then my supplies, and then myself. This way I know it's done, the next time it's needed. My bladder can wait." I finished the diagnostic, and wheeled the bike over to refuel it. I asked, "Need some help?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**### Chapter 25: Of Horses and Swords**


	26. Of Payday and Surprises

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"It's six a.m. on October 31st, and it's a good, frosty Halloween morning to everyone from Gotham's oldies station, WGHO! I'm Shawna Foxx; getting you up and out of your cozy den, so get your paw off that snooze button! I'll be here with you till ten, but now we've got Alex with the early morning traffic report, and then the weather and news." I slapped the snooze button, yawned, and dragged myself out of the warm blankets, then stretched and walked into the bathroom. 

The radio came back on as I was brushing my teeth, and I heard Shawna say, "… getting to our interview with Ms. Lane, and her new book, 'Falling off the roof, again!' shortly. We'll also be talking about Halloween parties and costumes, but first, I'd like to say welcome back to one of our own. Batgirl, if you're listening, I'd like to say once again, thanks for your saving my life last night. As you folks may know, there's a media convention in town, which is why Ms. Lane has ventured into our fair city. I was walking Ms. Lane back to her hotel when we were abducted at gunpoint by one of the local gangs. I don't want to mention whom, as I don't want to screw up the prosecution's case. As people know, the gang problem is one that the Gotham cops, despite their best efforts, have had troubles with. In any case, no sooner had we been hustled into an alleyway, then BOOM! Batgirl lands on them like … the hammer of Thor. She was with Spoiler, who we haven't seen much of, but by the time they were done, the gang was lying bleeding on the ground. The whole thing couldn't have been more than a minute, folks, and twelve armed killers against two heroes. You know who won." 

There was a moment of silence, and then she continued. "In any case, once again, I'd like to give my thanks to our own, officially non-existent but very, very real, urban legends, the Bat folks." Shawna cleared her throat, and added, "I'm sure that the boss and the lawyers would like me to add that the preceding has been my own personal opinion, and not that of WGHO radio. Now, back to the music. We've got what I think is appropriately titled, 'A hard day's night.'" 

I grinned at the radio. I finished flossing, used the mouthwash, and checked my appearance before heading downstairs to breakfast. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I strolled into the kitchen, and Alfred looked up and blinked. "Miss Selina." He said. "Perhaps you had forgotten to change from the previous evening's activities?" 

I smiled, and said. "Did you forget today is Halloween, my friend? Today should prove most interesting." It was strange, but I wondered how I would do in the costume contest. I didn't plan on making more than a token visit, but it should be fun. I poured myself a cup of tea, and waved the pot at Alfred, who nodded. 

Sheila entered the room, yawning, and wearing a business suit. She carried her Lantern outfit in a garment bag. She poured herself a cup of coffee, and said, "One court appearance, then I'm changing. I don't know how you do it, Selina. We got in at three thirty, spend about half an hour doing maintenance and cleaning up, and here you are at seven, bright and fresh. I really had to drag myself out of bed." She slurped her coffee, and said, "What's the secret?" 

"Relaxation and meditation." I said. "I'll show you how. An hour's meditation is good for several hours sleep, although the sleep debt does have to be paid eventually. We've been doing that on weekends. I feel like I slept for ten hours, even though I spent half an hour making notes after you went upstairs." 

Sheila slurped again. "I could use it. You both have been doing this every night for how many years?" 

"Far, far too many." Alfred said. 

"The job's not over yet." Bruce said. He asked Sheila, "Now that you've had a taste of it, what did you think of it? Remember, you still need a lot of training before you're ready to go out on your own, or face killers like Joker, Two-Face, and Ivy. It's not an easy job." 

"I think that you need help, and I'm willing. Or should I say, Ms. Justice is!" Sheila said. She looked at our faces and asked, "Too corny?" 

"No more so than Batgirl." I said with a smile. "Welcome to the family!"

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

It was amusing to ride the Metro as Catwoman, complete with tail. There were a few other people also wearing what they thought were Halloween costumes. I clocked in to work, and noticed Clarissa had also worn a Catwoman outfit - a very revealing version. The Bruce part of me admired her outfit; the Selina part admired her nerve. Helen showed up dressed as Harley a few minutes later. 

"Nice outfits, you two." I complemented. "Let's see what kind of reactions we get." The phone rang, and I used my Catwoman voice to purr, "District Attorney's Office, where shall I direct your call?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Helen asked, "Have you seen what other people are wearing? The best one I've seen so far is Lawrence, from the DA's office. He's come in as Two-Face." 

"He's got the build for it." I said. 

"And the butt!" Clarissa agreed, before answering the phone. She listened a minute, before hanging up. "Mrs. Harris was in an car accident. She says that she wasn't hurt, but she'll be late coming in, if she can make it at all. She asked us to deliver the paychecks." She got a look in her eye, and said, "I'll put them together, but Selina, would you mind delivering them? You still haven't met all of our people that work in the building. Besides, it will be good to get off the phones for a while."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Clarissa walked up with a tray full of envelopes. I gazed at them, and Clarissa grinned evilly. She said, "I'm getting into this character! Okay, Selina, what you have to do is to hand the check only to each person, and they have to sign for it." She waved a sheaf of paper at me. "If they're not in, then they'll come by Mrs. Harris' office to get it. When I've done it, I've just started on this floor, and worked my way up. Enjoy!" I logged off my workstation, and smiled at her. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I finished the fourth and final floor, and thought about why only about half of the WayneCorp employees I had checks for existed. I stopped in the Public Assistance office's copy room on the fourth floor, and made copies of the lists, then stopped by the gym and put the copies in my locker. I shrugged, and continued to the elevator, while trying to think of a good reason for the discrepancy. The only ones that I could think of were ominous, and tied into the irregularities in WayneCorp's HR and Finance divisions. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I put the remaining envelopes in Mrs. Harris' office, and locked the door. I strolled over to my workstation, and told Clarissa, "That's done, and the leftovers are locked in Mrs. Harris' office. Anything happen?" 

"Nope. We're going to lunch. You don't mind covering the desk by yourself, do you?" Clarissa asked.

"Not at all, but I'm going to work out, and I'm demanding an extra fifteen minutes to get in and out of this thing!" I said with a smile. I added, "Let me know if you see any other good costumes, would you?" I made shooing motions, and they laughed and logged off. I waited, and after a few minutes, started calling up internal phone lists, and printing them. These would list everyone working in the building, with his or her phone extensions. There had to be an explanation. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The phone lists were securely hidden in my purse, and I had composed a quick email to Steph. I figured the IS director would know how many people were actually working at this location. 

From:               Selina Kyle skyle@waynecorp.net

To:                   Stephanie Miller smiller@waynecorp.net

Subject:            Wonderful people! 

Stephanie, 

I just love this job, especially all the people here! Why, there must be three hundred WayneCorp people working here in this one office! It's such a fun group of people, too! Still, I miss the people there. The people down the hall were asking about you. What's new? 

Selina

I thought, :: The people 'down the hall' should clue in Stephanie to talk to Tee's security folks, who were on the opposite end of a corridor. :: 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

When I got back from lunch and my workout, I logged back in, and found a reply. 

From:               Stephanie Miller smiller@waynecorp.net

To:                   Selina Kyle skyle@waynecorp.net 

Subject:            Re: Wonderful people!

Sel:

I agree, this is the best bunch of co-workers I've ever had! People here miss you, especially your friend Jonas. By the way, he's a lucky man; he won $175 betting on the Knights the other day. Other than that, like Joanie always says, same old, same old. 

~SM~

I grinned to myself. I doubted that born-again Christian Jonas would be doing something as sinful as gambling, but it told me how many people there should be here. I also had to give my evidence to Joanie. I thought for a minute.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

From:               Selina Kyle skyle@waynecorp.net

To:                   Stephanie Miller smiller@waynecorp.net

Subject:            RE: Re: Wonderful people! 

Stephanie, 

If you see Joanie, ask her to look me up, would you? I've got that money I owe her, now that I've gotten my paycheck! 

Selina

:: That should do it! There's nothing suspicious about someone repaying a debt. :: I thought. College student Joanie didn't have the money to be making loans, but unless you knew that, it wouldn't be suspicious. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

From:               Stephanie Miller smiller@waynecorp.net

To:                   Selina Kyle skyle@waynecorp.net 

Subject:            RE: RE: Re: Wonderful people!

Sel:

She's supposed to be down there first thing Monday morning; she'll look you up then. I guess you'll be entering the costume contest there, like you did here last year? I bet you take first prize again! 

~SM~

:: Okay! Joanie is clued in, and I'll see her Monday. I wonder what the reference to the costume contest is. Maybe she's just curious. :: 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

From:               Selina Kyle skyle@waynecorp.net

To:                   Stephanie Miller smiller@waynecorp.net

Subject:            Re: RE: Re: Wonderful people! 

Stephanie, 

I didn't have much time to think of something original, so I just decided to wear the same thing I wore last year, but I added the tail back in. Did you wear your crown this year? I think this is so much fun, we've got some good costumes here. There's a really good Harlequin and Catwoman, and one of the attorneys is doing a good Two-Face. Got any pictures?

Selina

:: This was just a fun reply. :: I thought. For a second, I wondered why I cared about a costume contest. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I grinned to myself. The phone rang, and Clarissa picked up, listened a second, then said, "Selina, line 23 is for you. It's Cyndi from Dr. Phillips' office. " 

I touched the right button, and said, "Hello, Cyndi. This is Selina Kyle". I brushed my hair out of my eyes, and shifted in my seat. "I'M WHAT?" I screamed. People looked at me. In a daze, I hung up on Cyndi, and moaned, "Oh, my god. This can't be true." 

"Selina? What's wrong?" Clarissa asked.

I whispered, "I'm pregnant." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**### Chapter 26: Of Payday and Surprises **


	27. Of Parties and Plans

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"That's wonderful!" Helen said. Clarissa added, "Congratulations, Selina! Who's the father?" 

"But there was only the one time …" I whispered, still in a daze. 

"That's all it takes." Clarissa said with a smile. "Who's the father?" She prodded. 

"Give her a minute." Helen advised. 

"The father … " I whispered. I stood up, tearing my headset off. On rather unsteady heels, I tottered off to the ladies' room. 

I heard Helen commenting, "I think this was an unplanned pregnancy." 

"I think that's a safe bet." Clarissa replied. "She'll come around." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Clarissa peeked into the ladies' room lounge, and said, "Selina? You ok?" 

I dried my eyes on a tissue, and said, "Clarissa, would you guys mind if I took off a couple hours early? There's a certain gentleman that I need to discuss … arrangements with." 

"Um, Selina? You aren't thinking about an … abortion or anything, are you?" 

I looked at her in shock. "Certainly not! I may not go to church every Sunday, but I haven't lapsed *that* much!"  

"Oh. Okay. You ride the Metro. Did you want me to get you a cab?" 

"I'd appreciate it." I said with a smile. I walked over to a sink to splash some water on my face. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Here ya go, lady. Wayne corporate. Fare's $7.50." The cabbie winked at me, and said, "By the way, nice costume." 

"Thanks, I made it myself. Happy Halloween!" I told him, handing him a ten. "Keep the change." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I smiled at Jonas at the front desk, and managed to catch an elevator. I pushed the button for the executive floor, ignoring the looks I was getting. :: Must be the costume. :: I thought.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The elevator stopped, and I stepped out into the executive suite. The blonde receptionist saw the Wayne ID on the chain around my neck, but tried to stop me when I headed for the doors, saying, "Excuse me, Miss. You can't go in there." 

I smiled at her, and strolled over to her. I saw her glance at her partner and nod as I sat on her desk, and said, "Hello, Alicia, my name is Selina Kyle." I adjusted my ID badge so she could see it. I continued, "I have some private business with Mr. Wayne. Now, you can announce me to Mr. Wayne, and I promise I won't harm a hair on his head. The alternative is that you and Roger can try and stop me. Oh, I know that Roger's hit his panic button. I'll still get in to see Mr. Wayne, but you two won't be awake at the time." I continued, "Go ahead and announce me. If I hear that he doesn't want to see me now, I'll leave, and see him tonight at the party, but I thought that he would prefer this bit of news to be private." I motioned to her phone, and said. "Go ahead."  I stood and stretched, giving Alicia and the security cameras an eyeful. I knew Roger was gay; my sex kitten act had no effect on him. 

Alicia glanced at me, then touched her phone, and said, "Mr. Wayne, I'm sorry for the interruption, but there's a Ms. Kyle here who insists on seeing you." She paused a moment, listening to her headset, and said, "Yes, she does have a tail, and a whip." 

I stage-whispered, "It's about the hot tub." 

Alicia asked, "Did you hear that, Mr. Wayne? Something about a hot tub?" She nodded, and made a hand motion to the arriving security troops and Roger, who relaxed somewhat. She hung up, nodded at the security troops, and stood, smoothing her incredibly short skirt. She said, "Please follow me, Ms. Kyle." 

She stopped in front of Bruce's office, knocked, and then held open the door for me. I smiled, and nodded my thanks as she closed it after me. I looked over at Bruce, and said with a smile, "You know, Bruce, after working up here all these years, I still haven't figured out where she hides her gun. How are you?"   

"Fine, Selina. What's so important that couldn't wait for tonight, and what's this about a hot tub?" 

I strolled over to him, and sat in a chair. "Well, Bruce, you had our last period. Of course, at the time, you were Selina, and I was Bruce. Remember the curse, those miserable days of cramping and nausea? Aren't you glad that you don't have to endure them now? Now, it's my turn." He warily nodded. "Do you remember a few nights ago, we had a very romantic evening in the hot tub, and afterward, we got … acquainted with each other's bodies." He nodded again. "Now, I'm a beautiful woman. I must thank you for that." I continued, "After all that time you spent as Selina, you should know what happens after her period. I would think that you should have remembered that little bit of information, and taken the appropriate … precautions." I smiled, and sat back, crossing my legs and bouncing one booted foot on my knee. 

He blinked, and said, "You don't mean … " 

I smiled, and said, "That's right. Dr. Phillips called me this afternoon. Blood tests confirm it." 

"But, Selina! How was I supposed to know?" 

I exploded onto my feet. "How? You were in this body THREE days before! You know what the monthly cycle is! I had no idea what to expect with this body! I've been faking it, being a good actress and digging into your memories all along! Playboy( had more information about a woman's body than I did! I had to get the same information from Dr. Phillips that you got when you were twelve! But you certainly figured out what to do with your … thing quickly enough!" 

"Oh, lord! Does that mean that I, you, we … were the first?" Bruce stammered. 

"First, last, and only one I've done as a female!" I snapped. "As a male, well, the 'playboy' façade had to be maintained, but I made sure that I used protection. The paternity suits, well, it was easier to buy the girls off than dispute the claims." I glared at Bruce, and said, "The first time as a man, and what happens? You get me knocked up! This is all your fault, and you're going to pay for it!"  I took some deep breaths, and forced myself to calm down. "I can't be bought off like the other bimbos we've bedded. What do you bet that this is why J'onn refused to switch our minds back?" I leaned over his desk, and continued, "If I'm going to be enduring nine months of hell because of YOU, there are two things I'm going to promise you, Mr. Bruce Wayne. You're going to be enduring them with me, and I'm going to have a ring on my finger by the end, come hell, high water or alien invasion. Our child will NOT be born a bastard, is that clear?" I closed my eyes, took another few deep breaths, then turned and smiled at him. I calmly walked to the door, and said; "I'll see you at the party." 

As I walked out, closing the door a little more forcefully than required, I bumped into Lucius. He reached over to steady me, and said, "Excuse me! I don't think we've met. I'm Lucius Fox." 

"Selina Kyle." I offered. I started toward the entrance, and he joined me, pulling open the doors. 

"You're the young lady that's been helping out Bruce! I'd like to thank you for that." He eyed my costume, and said, "I see you're in the Halloween spirit. I assume you're going to the party tonight. I hope you do well in the costume contest, 'Ms. Catwoman'." He grinned, and I smiled back. 

"I hope so!" I said. "I'm sorry to burst in on you like this, but I had some news I had to give to Bruce, and it just couldn't wait, but he was very happy to hear it. Have a nice weekend!" I waved at Lucius, and grinned at Alicia and Roger. I strolled to the elevator, and pushed the button.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I decided to stop by to see Stephanie, so I got off at the 21st floor, and turned to enter Information Systems. I stopped, and asked the receptionist, "Ask Ms. Miller if she's got a minute to see Selina Kyle, would you?" She nodded, and touched the right buttons while I took a seat.  In a minute, I saw Stephanie come down the ramp in her usual jeans, sneakers, and golf shirt. 

She called out, "Selina! Glad you could make it! C'mon with me. Great costume, by the way." 

"Thanks." I replied. "I missed the tail, so I put it back on, but where's your costume?" 

"Oh, I'll change into it later." she said. I followed her into her office, and shut the door. I saw her ball gown hanging on a coat rack in a plastic bag, and a dartboard with Luthor's photo on the back of the door. She settled down behind her desk, put her feet up, and said, "What brings you downtown?" 

"Well, I had some papers that I thought I'd bring by, and news that couldn't wait, so I came down to see Bruce, and tell him the results of my doctor's visit." I smiled, putting my bag on the floor. 

"Wait a minute. Does that smile mean what I think it means? Are kittens in the future here?" She said with a smile. I nodded, and she bounced up out of her chair, pulling me out of hers, and pulling me into a hug. "Congratulations, Selina! How long?" 

"The doctor says that I'm only about two weeks along. That puts the due date in early July." I said. I took a deep breath, and said, "I'm rather nervous. Okay, I'm scared silly." 

Stephanie snorted, and said, "You, the famous Catwoman? Scared? Yeah, right. Women have been doing this since the dawn of time. So that means that our illustrious CEO got caught with his pants down again? Somehow I doubt he'll be able to buy you off." 

"I expect a ring on my finger, all right." I said, waggling my fingers in the air. I sighed, and said, "I know what you mean, but this is my first one, and it's not like breaking into Cartier's vault, you know. No, this is a lot tougher, more like breaking into Area 51." 

Stephanie chuckled, and joked, "I'm surprised you didn't steal one of the flying saucers there!" 

"Where could I pawn it?" I asked in surprise. "Besides, the last time I was there, the drives were taken apart. Apparently, Boeing can't figure out antimatter." 

Stephanie blinked, and whispered, "You're serious?"

"Of course." I said. "Oh, by the way, I've got something for you." I dug into my bag, and pulled out an interoffice envelope. "I figure that you can cross-reference them against your network logs or something. That should give you an idea who the 'ghost' employees are. The extension lists are there, too. That should help to filter them out." 

Stephanie shook her head. "Email logs. Everyone has an email account on my server, even HR and Finance. If the ghosts don't access their accounts, well, then…" 

I held up my hand. "Wait until I can find out where the money's going and why. That way, we can roll up the entire network. These will give you names to watch for, though." 

"Good job! I'll let Tee and her security troops know." She glanced at her monitor, and asked, "You going to join us for the party tonight? Seeing as how you're dressed for it, and all?" 

"Well, just for a bit. I do have another one to go to, though." 

"Good. Close the blinds, would you? I need to change." Stephanie started to untie her shoes.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

While Stephanie changed, I excused myself to look for a ladies' room. As I walked through the department, I noticed that some people had come in costume, and others had brought a duffle bag. I stopped at the receptionist's desk, and asked her where the washroom was.

"It's down the corridor between the monitor shop and the supply room." She answered, and waved vaguely. "Can I ask you a favor? Could you cover the phones for me? I really need to pee, and I need to change for the party, too." 

"I don't mind, but don't take too long, ok?" I replied. "I need to use the washroom, too." She nodded, grabbed a duffle and her dress bag and scooted back, and I took over her station. The phone rang before I had my headset on, and I answered, "WayneCorp Information Systems." 

From the various knick-knacks scattered around her workstation, I deduced that the receptionist's name was Stacy. I was squirming in my seat when she finally reappeared, dressed in an ornate velvet dress that looked like something Scarlett from Gone with the Wind( might wear. She apologized, saying, "Sorry I took so long." 

"That's ok." I said with gritted teeth. I stood, and quickly walked the way she had come. 

After poking down various dead ends, I found the right corridor, only to find three other women in line ahead of me, the first two with dress bags. I sighed, and wondered if I could sneak into the men's room, which seemed to be un-occupied. I gritted my teeth again, and crossed my legs, leaning up against the wall to wait. 

After what seemed like forever, five guys had moved in and out of the men's room, two changing into a costume. When the last one came out, I asked him, "Excuse me. Was there anyone else in there? I was wondering if I could … borrow it for a minute." The redhead ahead of me chirped "Me, too!" 

"Um, no, there's no one else. There's only one toilet, though, and the door doesn't lock." 

"Thanks." He nodded, and walked off. The redhead looked at me, and asked, "How long does it take to get out of that?" She indicated her own Little Bo Peep outfit with the multiple petticoats and the bloomers, and said "This takes a while. I've got to take everything off to get to the bloomers, they're more of a bodysuit." 

"Probably about as long, it's very tight. Go ahead, you were ahead of me. I'll watch the door, just please don't take too long!"  I begged. She handed me her staff, and disappeared inside. 

After a while, I knocked on the door, and called, "How are you doing?" 

"Just getting dressed again, come on in." she replied. I looked at the other line, and one of the women motioned to 'go ahead'. I smiled in thanks, handed her the shepherd's staff, and ducked inside.  

I closed the door firmly behind me, and looked around the small, rather dirty room. Sink, toilet, urinal and wastebasket. I glanced again at the urinal, and then reached behind me for the zipper. 

"Guys do have it easier, don't they?" the redhead said. "Let me help you with that." 

My costume was around my thighs, above my boots when a fellow walked in, stood in front of the urinal, and let loose. He sighed, put himself together, stepped around Stacey, washed his hands, glanced at us, then walked out without a word. I looked at her, and she looked at me. "Well, it is a men's room." I said. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I was arranging my hair, and Stacey asked, "Do you mind a question?" 

"Not at all." I replied. 

"You're really … um, her? Catwoman, I mean?" 

I smiled, then nodded. She exhaled, then said, "Well, maybe it's our current … environment, but there's something I've always wondered. I've never seen the answer in any of the newspapers or magazines about the … um, well … " 

"The 'cape and tights set', you mean?" I said with a grin. 

She nodded. "Where do you, um, when you're up on a rooftop?" 

I laughed, and pushed open the door. "If I have time, I'll find an all-night diner, or a McDonalds(. Otherwise, there's a lot of places on a roof where you can have some temporary privacy."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The party featured a cash bar and a rent-a-DJ, with a familiar face. While my costume didn't allow for pockets, and I had left my bag in Stephanie's office, there were no shortage of men that wanted to buy me drinks. I stuck to mineral water, however. 

"Care to dance?" I turned, and Bruce was holding out his arm.

"My pleasure." The music changed to a slow waltz, and I followed him out to the floor. 

:: Who's leading? :: I asked.

:: I am, of course. Selina, I'll be here for a few more minutes, then I have to leave. I need to get out on patrol. ::

:: Give me a few minutes, then I'll catch a ride with you to the Manor.  Watch where you put your hand, buster! :: I thought to Bruce.

:: That's where you hold the girl you're dancing with. :: 

:: Girl? Backwards and in heels. ::

:: Just like Ginger Rogers. :: Bruce smiled sweetly at me. 

:: Wait until I get you on a rooftop, 'Fred'! ::

The music ended, and a tango came up. We separated, and left the dance floor to others. I stopped by the DJ, and said, "Don't you work for WGHO? I thought I recognized your voice."

"Yes, I'm Shawna Foxx, the morning drive-time slot." 

"I thought so. I really like your show, and Oswald's been looking for a DJ. Would you be willing to do a little work on the side? We could really use a professional at our next karoke night at the Iceberg." 

"The Iceberg? Karoke night?" 

"You know, Penguin's place? We have a karoke night every so often. We pay very well, you know." 

I saw the realization in her eyes; then she said, "I'll have to let you know, Ms. Catwoman. My schedule is kind of full right now."

"All right." I grabbed a napkin, and scribbled. "My email address. Send me a message if you have any questions." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

When we got home, I changed, and mounted my cycle. I had promised Sheila a quick visit as Batgirl. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Hello, Batgirl!" Sheila said. She filled out a Green Lantern suit well. The fake ring glowed on her left hand. She took a sip of her fruit punch, waved her hand in the air, and said, "Too bad this ring's not real. We could use it." 

"Why, what's happened?" 

"You haven't heard? Joker's been released." 

### Chapter 27: Of Parties and Plans

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***


	28. Of Sororities and clowns

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I connected my comm to the cycle. "Oracle. I need a location for officers DuPont and Miller." 

"Wait one, Batgirl. Their current location is 2525 Jefferson, six blocks northwest of you." 

"Thanks." 

I parked about half a block behind their parked car, and strode up. I looked in the open window, and asked them, "What's the deal? I gift-wrap Harley and Joker, and they're out a day later?" 

Miller spilled her coffee in shock, with an "Aw …" DuPont said, "It ain't our fault, Batgirl. We had the paperwork checked by our sergeant and the L.T., but the DA says there were 'irregularities' and they were forced to let Joker go." 

Miller added, "It's bad enough that we're a laughingstock, but at least Quinn is still locked up. God knows how long until he busts her out, though." She muttered, "I should go back to teaching." 

"That won't happen." I told her. "She'll break him out, because she's a different kind of crazy than he is. He'll let her rot in there." I sighed, and added, "Time to track him down again." 

"Batgirl, just a moment." Miller called. "Joker said he was going to be gunning for the 'psycho bat bitch'. Just a warning."  

"Thanks. He's tried to kill me before. I hope I can catch him before he cuts down too many citizens." I pulled a fade, and vanished. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I parked the bike in the Iceberg's lot, and stopped for a second. Putting on the catsuit was one thing, but I also had to 'wear' Catwoman's persona. The Batgirl persona was more comfortable to me, as Bruce, but the Catwoman identity was still familiar. I shook my head, then let Catwoman flow over me. I dismounted the bike, then strolled into the Iceberg as Catwoman. I smiled at Sly, and ran a claw-tip gently over Harvey's shoulder. "What's new?" I asked. 

"Joker's celebrating his release." he told me. He shook his head, and added, "Jack claims that the DA's office had to let him go. We are of two minds of this. On the one, we regret seeing our former colleagues make this level of mistake. On the other, we applaud Jack's ability to work the system to his advantage." He took a gulp of his rum and Coke, looking up when Joker emerged from the washroom. 

"Catty!" Joker called. 

I winced and moved over to him. I wrapped my arms around him, and purred in his ear, "Didn't I ask you not to use that name?" 

"Sorry, Catty, I forgot!" He let loose with a wild cackle, and I moved to straddle a chair next to him. 

"So tell me!" I said. "I'll forgive you if you tell all … " I purred. 

"After that stupid bitch Harley led the Bat-Bitch right to me? I'm going to enjoy teaching her a lesson!" Joker swore. He eyed me, and ran a purple-gloved hand along my jaw. "Hey, Catty, wanna be my sidekick?" he giggled. 

"First of all, Jack, I'm no one's sidekick." I told him, running a claw along his neck, trailing a thin line of blood. "Secondly, the way you treat your women doesn't exactly endear me to you. Harley might get off on being your punching bag, but I don't. Third, which 'bitch' are you referring to, Harley or Batgirl?" I watched the blood slowly trickle down his pasty white neck.

"Both of em!" he chortled. "I don't know which one I'll make last longer. After all, I did wake up in the precinct in my boxers - not a scene that exactly strikes fear, wouldn't you say?" He nodded to himself. "I'll let Harley watch while I do the Bat-bitch, then I'll do her. After all, she was sitting next to me in her Maidenforms, but then, she probably enjoyed it!" He cackled again.

"So how'd you get out?" Riddler asked. 

"I waited for them to take their bullet out of my leg. After all, why should *I* pay some quack to slice it out? After that, there seemed to be a problem with the paperwork at the DA's office. 'So sorry to bother you, Mr. Joker! Oh, please accept our apologies, Mr. Joker!' They gave me one of those absolutely horrid jumpsuits to wear, and I had them drop me off at the safe house that the Bat-Bitch grabbed me at. I needed some proper clothing, of course." He tossed back another Jack Daniels, banging the glass down next to the others. "That little bat-bitch even stole my car! Honestly, the criminal element in this city … " he giggled again. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After changing back to Batgirl in a convenient McDonald's ladies' room, I plugged into the bike's comm system. "Oracle. Can you find out who at the DA's office squelched the Joker's arrest? I talked to the two arresting officers, and they claim they had their paperwork double-checked. I'd like to know who found the 'irregularities'. Also, is Harley still in lockup?" 

"Harley's still there. I'll check and get back to you, boss-lady!"  

'Boss lady?' I asked myself. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I watched Joker stagger out of the Iceberg, and get into his purple car. I thumbed the bike's starter, and pursued. 

"Oracle. Can you patch me through to officer Miller's cell phone?" I called.

"Sure. Wait one." 

"This is Miller. Who's this?" 

"Batgirl. Interested in a DUI bust of a certain clown?"

I waited a minute, then Miller came back with "Where are you, Batgirl?" 

"I'm heading up Madison toward the Diamond district. Passing Bleeker. I'm four cars back of the clown. If you're interested, call for backup. He's got three safehouses that I know of in that district." 

"Thanks, Batgirl. Give us a minute to get organized. Let us know if he turns off Madison." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I watched as a police cruiser slid into traffic ahead of me. Suddenly, it's lights and siren activated, and cars started to pull over. Joker kept going, speeding up and trying to evade, turning a simple misdemeanor DUI arrest into a felony - not that he cared. Two other cruisers joined the chase, when, with a bang, the stop strips activated, puncturing Joker's tires. Six cops held guns on him as he was pulled from the car, searched, and cuffed. A sergeant supervised the arrest. I stopped, and watched from a few hundred feet away, then grinned to myself, and started the motorcycle. :: Not a bad way to start a weekend. :: I thought to myself, looking up at a clock, which read 1:33 am, Saturday, November first. 

I watched as Joker was stuffed into a patrol car, two cops getting in next to him for additional security. "Oracle." I called. "I'm going to take a swing through the convention center area, then head down to the University district."

"You got it, boss-lady. Your partner from the other night is just checking in. Should she meet you somewhere?" 

:: Sheila could use some more experience. :: I thought. "Sounds like a good idea. Have her head toward the University district. I'll meet her at the Student Union in an hour." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The holiday party was still going strong. I intercepted a couple of muggings near a hotel, then headed deeper into the university campus. I slowly cruised my bike down a path in the park, not intentionally, but just because of the throng of students. Quite a few were also in costume, including a couple of Batgirls. I grinned, and headed toward Greek Row. 

I stopped outside a sorority house. Several members were sitting on a bench outside. I heard a blonde say, "EEE! Is that … are you really Batgirl?" 

A dark skinned Asian girl said, "You heard that she's back in town. Go on. Ask her." 

The blonde took a sip of her drink, then said, "I've always wanted to know. What's Superman like? Is he as … delicious as they say?" She waggled her eyebrows, and the other girls on the bench giggled. 

"He's an … okay looking guy, if you like big and beefy, but remember, he's married." I replied. 

They groaned at that, but then the blonde asked, "What about the rest of the JLS?" 

"JLA, you twit." a redhead said. "Forgive her, she's a blonde. She couldn't hack the math in Engineering, so she went into pre-law." 

"So am I." Spoiler said, and the students jumped in surprise. She nodded to me, "Evening. I heard you bagged the Joker again." 

"Let's hope Joker stays 'bagged'." I said. "It was a simple DUI bust, but then he added felonies by resisting." I glared at the students, and said, "Of course, all of you are of legal drinking age, being on a public sidewalk …" The plastic cups suddenly got poured into the lawn, and they all turned bright smiles on me. Spoiler snorted. "Anything that you think we should know about?" 

"I don't understand torts …" the blonde whined. The redhead next to her rolled her eyes. Spoiler moved away a bit, and motioned to the blonde. They started to talk, and I made a card appear. 

"If you see something that looks suspicious, give that number a call. Someone will check it out." I looked at the redhead, who was wearing a green Society of Women Engineers sweatshirt, and added, "If you think you can hack it and find us, think again. The finest crackers on the planet haven't been able to." I grinned, and thumbed the bike's starter. I added, "If you try, you'll have a Bat asking you why. He might not be as nice as I am. Spoiler?" 

She kicked the bike into gear, then said, "After you, boss-lady." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We stopped at a light, and I asked, "You need to work on your approaches, and since when are you a law student?" 

She goosed the throttle, and replied, "Ever hear of continuing education, boss-lady? I'm not really lying, that way. By the way, I'll bet you five bucks that girl tries to hack that number." 

"No bet." I grinned, and added, "I'll sure she'll be surprised by what happens when she tries." 

### Chapter 28: Of Sororities and clowns

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***


	29. Of Pizza and Motorcycles

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

We rode toward the Student Union, when Spoiler asked, "We allowed to eat on patrol, boss-lady? I had to work through lunch and dinner."

Oracle said, "Sure, Spoiler. Don't let Batgirl be a wet blanket. What were you thinking?" 

"They've got food booths set up over there. C'mon, I'll buy you a slice of pizza, boss-lady." 

"Gawd, that sounds good. It's been so long …" Oracle sighed, then said, "Go ahead, Spoiler. Have a slice for me, with lots of mushrooms and anchovies. And pineapple. Can't forget the pineapple."

"You got it, Oracle. Sounds good." Spoiler wheeled her bike into the parking lot, and killed the engine. She looked at me as I sat astride my still-idling bike. "You coming?"

I sighed. "All right. I'm hungry too, and it will increase my visibility. One slice can't hurt, but we'll work it off tomorrow."

Spoiler dismounted. "Zogger? Sounds like fun. I'll get the pizza, you get the soda." She looked at my expression, and said, "Every war has lulls, boss-lady."

I parked and killed the engine. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Spoiler met me at some picnic tables set up on the lawn. She gave me a huge slice of pizza, spilling over the paper plate, and a couple of paper towels, and accepted the cup of Diet Coke I set next to her. She pulled her hood back, and smiled at me behind her mask. "There you go, boss-lady. One slice with everything, and I do mean everything, on it. Bon appetite!" 

A stick-thin waif with long red hair and a generous amount of cleavage motioned to the table, and said, "May we join you?" Spoiler waved at her and her blonde partner. The waif set down a pizza box from the same place, and dug in. 

Spoiler picked up her slice, folded it lengthwise, and took a bite. After she swallowed, she sighed, and said, "Pineapple on a pizza reminds me of this joint we went to on Okinawa. Lousy part of town, but great food." She took a gulp of Coke, then another bite.

I glared at Spoiler as she took another bite. "Careful, Spoiler." 

The waif had finished two of the monster slices, and was starting on a third. Her partner noticed my looking at her, and grinned. "She'll eat most of the pizza, and tomorrow morning she won't have gained a gram." she said with a faint German accent. "I hate her for that. I can barely finish one. Look at her, a size four." 

"I'm a five, Greta." the waif said. She stopped for breath, and said, "Would you two by any chance actually be … ?" 

"Batgirl and Spoiler? Yes, we are. What can we do for you?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing! I just wanted to thank you!" 

"Ja." Greta said. "When I go home to Germany, people ask, 'Was hören um diesen Schlagholz Mann wir ungefähr? Haben Sie ihn gesehen?' (What about this Bat-Man we hear about? Have you seen him?)"

The waif said, "'Jetzt können Sie sagen, daß Sie Schlagholz Mädchen und ihr sidekick, Spoiler getroffen haben.' (Now you can say that you've met Bat-girl and her sidekick, Spoiler.)" She added, "Eating pizza, just like regular folks." 

"Well, we are just regular people. We're just in a different line of work." I said. My stomach growled, and I took a determined bite of pizza, while the waif finished her fourth slice. Spoiler finished hers, and took a drink of Coke. I took another bite, and a sharp spike of pain hit me in the abdomen. I dropped the pie and bent over with a small gasp. 

"Batgirl? What's wrong?" Spoiler asked. I stood up, staggered over to a garbage can, and emptied my stomach. I stood coughing, wracked with dry heaves. 

"Batgirl?" I looked up into Spoiler's worried eyes. 

I coughed a couple more times, then whispered, "Nine more months of this …" I took the Coke that Spoiler handed me with a nod of thanks. A sip of it stayed down, so I took another gulp. I took a deep breath, then looked at Greta and the waif, and said, "Sorry." 

"First one?" the waif asked. I looked at her, startled, and she shrugged and said, "My sister was like that. Couldn't keep anything down but dry wheat toast, boiled eggs, and Coke. Couldn't even substitute Pepsi. She was in horrible shape when it came time to … you know."

Spoiler said, "You understand what would happen if this got around, don't you?" 

"We have a pretty good idea." Greta said. 

The waif nodded, and said, "I'm Erin O'Reilly, she's Greta VonDamm. We can keep our mouths closed." 

"On one condition." Greta said. "We'd like to see the baby afterwards, if that's ok." 

I glanced at Spoiler, and said, "You're room mates? We'll see. Thanks." 

Erin said, "Yes, and I'd like to say thank YOU, Batgirl. Thanks for all you've done for this city." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"You going to be ok to ride?" Spoiler asked.

"Why, what happened?" Oracle asked.

"Prenatal tummy upset." Spoiler replied. 

"I'm all right now." I insisted. "We need to get back on patrol." 

"No, you need to get back and get some rest, young lady. Do I have to call in Batman?" Oracle asked.

"It's almost three AM. I vote for bed, myself." Spoiler added. 

I was about to argue, when a spike of pain lanced through me. I gritted my teeth, and said, "All right. It's been a quiet night. We'll head in." 

"Hallelujah! A victory for common sense." Spoiler quipped. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I killed the engine in the maintenance bay, and stood, hiding a wince. I started to check the bike out, suppressing with gritted teeth another sharp spike of pain in my abdomen. Sheila saw me tense, and said, "I'll do yours, Batgirl." 

"No. I take care of my own equipment." I wheeled the bike over to the fuel pump, and unscrewed the cap. I took a sharp breath, and Sheila took the fuel nozzle out of my hand. 

"Has Alfred ever helped out? Has Dick? Let us help you." She turned me to face her, and said, "Look, Selina. You've never experienced a period, or menstrual cramps. The boys have no idea what they're like. Take your big sister's advice, take your uniform off, go upstairs, and soak in a hot tub. Not a shower, a tub. I'd suggest a vibrator beforehand, but definitely a hot tub. Now go!" 

"But … I need to … " 

"Go. I'll take care of it." A crooked smile appeared on Spoiler's face. "What else is family for?" 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sheila knocked on the bathroom door, and asked, "Selina? How are you doing?"

I looked up from my position, sitting on the edge of the tub in my underwear, and said, "As well as you could expect. Come in, Sheila." 

She took a seat on the lid of the toilet, and noticed the large purple device I was turning in my hands. She grinned, and said, "What is it with you and purple?" I started to reply, but she continued, "It's not going to do you any good to simply hold it. You need to use it… 

I interrupted, "To relieve the pain?" I shook my head. "I can see a hot tub as a muscle relaxant, but pain can be controlled through meditation." I frowned at her, adding, "I've had my back broken, and survived Venom. A few muscle spasms are nothing. Thanks for your help, Sheila." I stood, and slid open a drawer in the vanity, tossing the device in. I turned to work the bathtub faucets, ignoring her presence. 

"If you think it's just muscle spasms, you're in for a surprise. See you in the morning." Sheila said quietly as she left, robe swirling around her. 

### Chapter 29: Of Pizza and Motorcycles

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	30. Of Enemies and Allies

For disclaimers, please see Chapter 1.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
"It's six a.m. on Sunday, November second, here at Gotham's hit oldies station, WGHO. I'm Patti King, your hostess with the mostest, here with you till noon."  
  
I woke up, sloshing some water. Yawning, I reached behind me to drain the tub. I started to sit up, and was struck with intense pain in my pelvis. It felt like . someone was ripping open my lower abdomen. I let out a small gasp of pain and doubled over in the cold water. "Oh, god." I muttered. "I can handle this. It's just a cramp. Ignore it, get on with what you have to do." I sat up, and was rewarded with another spasm of pain. I exhaled, and forced myself to stand, and get out of the tub. I braced myself, and staggered over to sit on the toilet, legs shaking. After an endless few minutes, I was able to pull a towel down and start to dry myself with shaking hands.  
  
"Meditation. That will control the pain." I told myself. I squeezed some water out of my hair, then staggered out of the bathroom into my bedroom. I debated putting some clothes on, but instead sank into a lotus position on the floor, and tried to center myself. I tried to focus on my breathing, but even that was painful. I groaned, and put my head in my hands.  
  
"Selina?" A knock on the door. "Selina, it's Bruce. May I come in?"  
  
"If you dare." I replied. He walked in, and I asked, "What can I do for you?"  
  
"No, it's what I can do for you. You know, you're broadcasting what you're feeling. I'm just lucky enough to be able to pick it up." He grinned crookedly, and I groaned.  
  
"What you're feeling, Selina, are cramps. I know you're not big on drugs, but they do work. Remember, I had them before you did. Another thing that works is a hot water bottle." He showed me one, and added, "Getting in late, then falling asleep in the tub, isn't good. Get into bed, put this on your pelvis, and take a nap." He tossed the bottle onto the bed, then disappeared into the bathroom, reappearing in a minute with a towel. I looked at him, and he mentioned, "For your hair, it's still wet."  
  
"Thanks." I muttered. With shaking hands, I wrapped my hair, then tried to stand. I groaned, and collapsed back to the floor, and over to my back.  
  
:: C'mon, Selina, you can do it. Every woman on the planet has to deal with cramps, you can too. :: I told myself as I glared at Bruce, who sighed, and picked me up, depositing me effortlessly onto the bed.  
  
He pulled down the covers, maneuvered me into them, then tucked the hot water bottle on my pelvis. Pulling up the covers, he threw another blanket on me, then said, "I'll look in on you in an hour or so. Sleep well." I was already half asleep as the door clicked closed.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
I yawned, and rolled over, looking at the clock. :: Eleven thirty! I need to get going! :: I threw back the covers, and noticed the cooled water bottle on my pelvis. I smiled to myself, :: Thank you, Bruce! :: and picked it up as I swiveled out of bed. I set it down as I turned to pull up the sheets to make the bed.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
"Good morning, everyone!" I said as I walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Good morning, Miss Selina." Alfred said. Sheila looked up from the table, and saluted me with her coffee mug, then returned to reading her case files. Alfred continued, "Are you feeling better? Master Bruce was very concerned."  
  
"Yes, I am, old friend, and thank you, Sheila." I said, touching her shoulder. She looked up and nodded to me. "Where is Bruce?" I asked, as I poured a cup of tea.  
  
"Master Bruce is in the sub-basement." Alfred replied.  
  
"Ah. Thank you." I drained my tea, and said, "I'm going to join him." Alfred intercepted me on the way to the sink, and took the cup. I smiled at him, and padded out.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
"Bruce?" I called as I stepped off Alfred's elevator.  
  
"Over here, Selina." Bruce called from the computer. "I wanted to see what you had on Catwoman. It's truly amazing how much information you have on people."  
  
"I wish I had more on some." I commented. I moved a chair near him, and said, "I'd like to talk to you for a minute."  
  
He logged off, and turned to regard me. "What's on your mind?"  
  
"Well, I'd . like to apologize for what I said in your office. This baby isn't all your fault, I was just as caught up in the moment as you were. I should have thought of protection, too." I smiled at him, and said, "Let's just chalk this one up to experience, shall we?"  
  
"Good name for a kid: Experience Wayne" He grinned, and relaxed a bit.  
  
"Does that mean you're going to make an 'honest woman' out of me, Mr. Wayne?" I quipped.  
  
"I don't know if anyone could do that, Ms. Kyle." he shot back with a smile. "What are your plans?"  
  
"I'll carry it to term." I said.  
  
"Catholic upbringing." he said, exhaling. "I was worried."  
  
"You shouldn't have been. Remember, the Bat never kills. For me, that includes this little monster." I patted my tummy, and smiled at him. He grinned, and I continued. "One other thing. I'm giving Sheila full access to the cave."  
  
Bruce sat back in his chair, and steepled his fingers. "What about the weapons vault? I'm hesitant about giving her access to kryptonite and the other 'toys' you've got stashed in there."  
  
"Hmf. Give her escorted access to the weapons vault, full access everywhere else." I told him.  
  
"That works for me. I'll take care of it. Now, you, young lady. What have you had to eat today? Remember, you're eating for two, now." I felt a little . twist in my mind, and he grinned, and said, "I thought not. A cup of tea is not adequate nutrition. I'm sure that Alfred can come up with a proper meal for you." He made shooing motions at me.  
  
"What about you, Mr. Wayne? What has your morning been like?" I glared at him, and reached out with my mind to his, looking about. "Four ounces of orange juice, then sitting on your butt here playing with the Cray. I'll go upstairs and eat if you will. Sheila could probably use some company for lunch."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
Bruce and Alfred ate a 'Ploughman's lunch', while Sheila and I shared a chicken and vegetable casserole. We were finishing the dishes, when a key turned in the lock, and a young woman stomped in. She stopped to look at us, then demanded of Bruce, "Who's the bitch that's been using my name, and what the hell is Catwoman doing here?"  
  
Bruce looked over the financial section of the Times as Alfred tisked, "Miss Brown. Language."  
  
"Sorry, Alfred." She glared at Bruce, and insisted, "You're responsible for this! Who is she, and why is Catwoman here?"  
  
"Both Ms. Hawking and Ms. Kyle are here at my invitation, Stephanie." Bruce said mildly.  
  
Sheila dried her hands, and held out a hand. "Hello. I'm Sheila Hawking, and you are .?"  
  
"Spoiler. The REAL Spoiler!" she spat.  
  
"Miss Brown. Manners." Alfred reminded her.  
  
"Sorry, Alfred." Stephanie said again. She turned to Bruce, and asked, "Why are they here?"  
  
"I have my reasons, Stephanie." Bruce said. "If you have a problem with Ms. Hawking, you should take it downstairs."  
  
Stephanie glared at Bruce, then told Sheila, "Zogger? I'll kick your butt, lady!"  
  
"We'll see, child." Sheila smiled inscrutably.  
  
I moved to the hidden elevator, and asked, "Ladies?"  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
We changed while Bruce set up Zogger in dojo mode. I pulled on a purple leotard over white tights, Sheila kept to her customary gray tights, gold shorts and magenta leotard, while Stephanie opted for a cranberry bodysuit and gray shorts.  
  
Sheila left, and I thought about saying something, but decided not to. Stephanie was in no mood to talk.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
The door hissed closed behind the two, and I joined Bruce in the control room. He asked, "Can everyone hear me?" They nodded, and he continued. "The rules are simple. No blows or holds that can kill or cripple. The fight is to first blood or last one standing. Understood?" They nodded again, and I rang a bell.  
  
Sheila stopped in the center of the ring, and gave a traditional bow of respect. Stephanie replied with a spinning back kick which knocked her against the wall. Sheila stood, and said, "If that is how you wish to play it, child." Sheila turned, feinted, and landed a kick in Stephanie's gut.  
  
"You bitch! That hurt!" Stephanie said, as Sheila circled.  
  
"I am right here, child. I am waiting for you to kick my butt."  
  
:: Sheila's playing the inscrutable Oriental. :: I thought to Bruce as I watched the two circle.  
  
:: Messing with her head. :: he replied.  
  
"Damn you, bitch!" Stephanie changed to karate, and managed to land a few blows.  
  
I watched as both fighters stepped back, and took the other's measure after the initial exchanges. Sheila had patience and a bit more experience in the martial arts, but was out of practice. Stephanie, on the other hand, wasn't used to fighting in a dojo, but on the streets. She had speed and reflexes going for her, as well as more developed combat instincts. They circled a few more times, then Stephanie became impatient, and tried a flying side kick, which Sheila slid and twisted away from, landing a nice heel strike to Stephanie's pelvis, forcing her to crash down.  
  
:: Five bucks on Sheila. Stephanie's just mad. She's not taking it seriously. :: I thought.  
  
With a wordless cry of rage, Stephanie twisted up, and took another swing at Sheila.  
  
:: Gambling is illegal in this state, you know. :: I turned and stuck my tongue out at him, and he added, :: That wasn't right of you to use her Spoiler identity without asking her. ::  
  
:: She's the only one who wears a full-face mask. :: I thought. Sheila dodged another attack, got inside Stephanie's defenses, and landed a rapid series of blows. I thought, :: Nice combination, Sheila! ::  
  
:: She's been practicing somewhere. Maybe at work. :: Bruce observed.  
  
:: Undoubtedly a good stress relief from her clients. :: I observed cynically. Stephanie stepped back and shook her head to clear it. I triggered the hatch, and stepped between them. I gripped Stephanie, peeled back her eyelids, and asked her, "How many fingers am I holding up?"  
  
"Um." She shook her head, and tried to focus. "Four?"  
  
"Not quite. Two. If you don't call the fight, I will."  
  
"Um." Stephanie shook her head again, and her knees wobbled. "Okay. 'Uncle'" She gazed at Sheila, who had rushed to support her other side, and asked, "Where'd you learn that?"  
  
"Marine Corps." Sheila replied.  
  
"Cool. Will you show it to me?"  
  
"Sure. Once you're on your feet again."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
"Feel better?" I asked Stephanie.  
  
"Yeah, a bit better, thanks." She sat up from the bed in the medical bay, and looked over at Sheila. "I'm sorry I insulted you."  
  
"You were understandably upset. I will develop my own persona as quickly as possible."  
  
"Thanks. I appreciate it. I've worked hard for Spoiler."  
  
"If you want to be mad at anyone, I'm the one that suggested she use Spoiler." I told Stephanie. I crossed my arms, and said, "What can we learn from this fight?"  
  
"I got pissed, and just started swinging at her. I'm not really used to that kind of fight." Stephanie said.  
  
"I retained my focus, but what do you mean by 'that kind of fight'?" Sheila asked.  
  
"When you're out on the streets, the bad guys are going to try to kill you." I said. "Each of the bat family have a bounty on our heads, dead or alive. How do you think you'd do against Joker, or Ivy?"  
  
"I don't know." Sheila looked at me, and said, "Perhaps I should find out."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
The door closed behind Sheila, and I watched from the control booth. "Ready?" I called. "You'll have everything you need with you."  
  
Sheila took a breath, then nodded, and said, "Let's do it."  
  
I touched the enter key, and the scene morphed into the 23rd Street Metro station. Sheila was wearing a gray skirted business suit, pumps with a medium heel, and carrying a briefcase and a large purse. She stood in line, waiting for the train, when the doors leading up to the street from the platform suddenly rolled down. The security doors at the edge of the platform descended, locking in the morning commuters.  
  
Through a door, the Joker entered, with his usual group of thugs. He announced himself with a burst of automatic fire and his trademark insane laugh. "Good morning, ladies and germs! It's MONDAAAAAY, and I've got a question for you! Why do you hate MONDAYS? It's the start of a whole new week!" He grabbed a young transit worker, and held a pistol with a long barrel to her ear. She closed her eyes and started to whisper a prayer. Joker slowly thumbed the hammer back, and said, "Don't you get it? A HOLE new week!" He squeezed the trigger, and a pointed rod slammed through her head, with a little yellow flag unfurling from the end that said "Bang!" He dropped her corpse, saying "Laugh! That was a great joke! I gotta MILLION OF 'EM!" The crowd screamed, and stampeded for the exits, pushing madly at the heavy steel grilles. I saw Sheila turn, and dash for the ladies' room.  
  
A few minutes later, Batgirl left the ladies' room, making her way toward Joker. She glanced around, and saw a couple of cops working toward Joker. A goon spotted one, and shot him as people dived for the ground again. A citizen grabbed the fallen officer's gun, and returned fire, taking out the goon before being shot himself. Joker ignored the small firefight, concentrating on the twenty or so people he had collected with red hair kneeling before him with their hands on their heads. There was one tall, dark-skinned girl with reddish hair that he singled out, talking to her quietly, even shaking her hand, before motioning toward the doors. She took a step, then stiffened, and collapsed, the Smilex he had injected already making her skin pasty-white, with her hair turning green and her lips impossibly red. She twitched and lay still as Joker laughed.  
  
Batgirl had made it to a large support column, behind which a cop sheltered. She whispered something to the young transit cop, who nodded. The cop aimed at the ceiling over Joker. The falling debris distracted him long enough for Batgirl to throw smoke and gas capsules, which allowed the pinned-down crowd to scramble toward the exits. Joker screamed "BATTY! YOU'RE HERE!". He wrenched a gun from a goon, and started firing blindly, as the hostages screamed and choked on the gas. Batgirl threw more smoke, and then threw a razor 'wing toward Joker's muzzle flashes. Joker yelled, "Ow! That hurt, Batty! Is that any way to treat a friend on his birthday?". He cackled again, then called, "Time to go, boys!" Batgirl tried to follow, but missed Joker, catching a goon from behind, then knocking out a following goon. The smoke started to clear, and Batgirl tried to open the locked door, finally using a explosive pellet on it. She ran down the corridor, only to hear Joker's laugh fade into the distance.  
  
She re-emerged, to find the smoke dissipating. Batgirl made her way back to the ladies' room, and Sheila emerged a few minutes later, as the GCPD finally arrived, and the scene dissolved. Sheila staggered out, and collapsed on a bench. I tossed a towel to her, and said, "Not bad for your first time against the Joker."  
  
Sheila looked up, and was drenched in sweat. She said, "God, that thing is realistic! I could smell the gas and the blood, and the look on their faces ." She shuddered, and said, "I'm glad he's locked up now."  
  
"With Joker, you try to bag him before the body count gets too high. Yours was ." I checked the computer. " . thirty seven. Nice little distraction with the transit cop, but you try not to put others at risk like that."  
  
"Better a cop than a civilian, though." Stephanie pointed out. "My first time, Joker managed to catch and kill me. You did good." Stephanie held out her hand to Sheila.  
  
"Thanks." Sheila tossed the towel around her neck, and asked, "You want to help me with this new costume design?"  
  
Stephanie grinned, and said, "I'd love to!" They headed off toward the costume vault. # 30: Of Enemies and Allies . ***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---*** 


	31. Interlude One

For disclaimers, please see Chapter 1. 

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Thursday, January 1 Gotham Post. Local section, page E3:

New member of the Bat Clan? 

By: Simone Chang, staff reporter

One of last night's New Year's festivities was interrupted by an attempted robbery, masterminded by Jervis Tetch, aka Mad Hatter.  He and his gang had broken in to Mrs. Alice Clarkson's Wonderland party being held in the ballroom of the Plaza Hotel, and were in the process of 'hatting' the attending socialites, when they were interrupted by the entrance of a new costumed crime fighter. 

This new figure, a young woman with waist-length, straight black hair, was dressed in a dark gray bodysuit with red and gold accents. Her signature weapon was a thrown set of disks, linked by a chain. She wore the usual Bat-style equipment belt. The only visible part of her face was her mouth, her hair descending over her waist-length cape. 

After defeating the six gang members and Tetch, the crime fighter inserted a small card into Tetch's unconscious mouth, before speaking for the first time. In a marked southern accent, she wished the party-goers a "Happy New Year, y'all!". She quickly vaulted over the open balcony and disappeared. 

Police spokesman Liam Murdock said: "We have no information on this new vigilante. Citizens who witness or are victimized by crime are encouraged to report this to the police as soon as possible." 

Attendees at the gala included State Senator Ming, Councilman Aberforth, Bruce Wayne and his companion of the last several months, Selina Kyle, John Gamble of the Gamble Investment group and his wife, and Andrea Conner, of Hawking, Conner, and Schwartz, and her husband. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Saturday, February 28 WGHO News Radio: 

New 'Bat' identified?

"WGHO's Shawna Foxx was leaving a party with friends in the Meatpacking district when she was intercepted by a pair of muggers. Before they could harm her or her friends, the newest member of the 'Bat Clan' dropped on them, rendered them unconscious, and secured them for police. Shawna filed this report: 

"This is the second time I've had an up-close and personal meeting with members of the 'Bat Clan'. The first time was with Batgirl and Spoiler, this time with the newest member. She consented to answer a few questions: 

"You seem to be fairly new on the crime-fighting scene. Who are you, and what do you hope to accomplish?" 

"Call me Lady Justice, and I've been fighting injustice for quite a while, although not like this. I felt I could help more people this way." 

"I notice you have a southern accent. Can you let me know some history?"

"Alabama. Roll Tide!" 

"What does the Batman think of you?" 

"He's approved of my presence. That's really all I can say." 

"At this point Lady Justice paused and touched her earpiece, then muttered a quick 'Excuse me.' She shot off a jumpline, and vanished into the night." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Sunday, March 14 Gotham Post. Local section insert, pages E3-7:

A scorecard on who's who among Gotham's costumed heroes, villains, and others: 

… 

Among the newest of the local vigilantes is 'Lady Justice'. Described as a fairly tall, thin young woman with waist-length, straight black hair, she wears a dark gray bodysuit with red and gold trim. A small logo on her left breast is described as a vertical sword crossed by the scales of justice. She uses a light gray colored 'Bat' style equipment belt, and a waist-length dark gray cape. Like Batgirl, she wears high heeled boots, although hers are black. Her signature weapon is a thrown bolo of two disks connected by a length of chain. (See artist's sketch, figure six.)  

Lady Justice is apparently from Alabama, and is a fan of the Crimson Tide. She speaks with a soft, southern accent, and is estimated to be in her mid twenties. 

Another one of the lesser-known local vigilantes is 'Spoiler'. This young woman, apparently in her early to mid twenties, is usually dressed … 

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**## Chapter 31: Interlude One**

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	32. Of Cave and Kal

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"Good morning!" I said as Sheila entered. 

"A good Saturday morning to you, too, Selina," she replied with a grin. "How are you feeling?" 

"Pregnancy is officially Not Fun," I declared. I looked at Bruce over my orange juice, and said, "I don't know how some women can do this several times. Bruce, we have an appointment with Dr. Phillips Monday at 8. He wants all three of us there." 

"All three of us?" He looked at me over the rim of his coffee cup.

I pointed. "You. Me. Experience here." I patted my tummy. "The nurse passed on the Doctor's message that 'If the father isn't with me', he will be 'Upset With Me.' I don't want our OB 'Upset With Me', so you will therefore be there. I've already called Lucius and explained the situation to him." 

"This is what I miss about moving out. The friendly byplay in the mornings … " Sheila mused over her coffee. 

"You can come back. Please?" I whined at her. 

"Hormones acting up again?" she smirked. "Well … maybe for a while after you whelp that puppy," she said. "I'm only a few minutes away, Selina. Besides, we discussed this. It doesn't look right to have the attorney handling your affairs living with you. It's still somewhat of a gray area, ethically, to buy a house from you." 

"Strictly speaking, your mortgage is through Third Gotham Bank, not from me," Bruce put in. "Besides, that was one of my safe houses. With the secret rooms, and links to the systems downstairs, I couldn't sell it to just anyone." 

"True, true," Sheila mused. She looked at me over her coffee cup, and asked, "You ready to go? Barbara will be here any time now." 

"Go? Go where?" I asked suspiciously. 

"Shopping, you twit. Barbara's picking up Stephanie, and we're all going together. You need a few new outfits as you move along, so why don't you go get ready?" She made shooing motions, and added, "She'll be here any time now." 

"Joy." I heaved myself up, and glared at her before going upstairs. 

"Still hates shopping, doesn't she?" I heard Bruce comment. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Bruce pulled the Porsche into Dr. Phillip's parking lot at 7:45 Monday morning. I had leaned the passenger seat back to try to get comfortable. Seat belts were not designed with pregnant women, or women in general, in mind I mused. I stopped, and looked at the sign with turf markers. Catwoman and Batgirl's were getting a little faded, although a new one for Lady Justice had been added. I pulled a marker out of my purse, and touched the first two up. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I waved Bruce to a seat, and told the receptionist, "I'm Selina Kyle, and I have an eight o'clock appointment." 

She pulled a file from the stack, and glanced at the sticky note on the front. "Sign in, please. Is Mr. Kyle here?"

I smiled. "Yes, he is." I entered 'Mr. & Mrs. Kyle' and '7:50' on the sign-in sheet. I spied a four month old copy of _Newsweek_ on a table, and handed it to Bruce. "Here you go, Mr. Kyle, sweetie." 

"Thank you, Mrs. Kyle," he replied with a smile. 

"That's so sweet," a lady next to me commented. "Your first?" She held out her hand, and added, "Amy Carter." 

I took her hand, and said, "Selina Kyle, yes, it's my first, and I'm rather nervous about it." 

She 'pshaw'd' that comment, and said, "My sixth. Don't worry yourself. Your husband have a good job?" 

"Oh, yes. I'm glad I don't have financial worries. I just hope it's healthy." 

"Have Dr. P do an amnio test. It will tell you all sorts of things, including if it's a boy or girl," she suggested. "Do you have any preferences?" 

"That it's healthy, and has all the right number of parts. Beyond that … " I shrugged. 

She looked at Bruce, reading an article about the 'latest' Mid-East problems. She cocked her head, and said, "He looks familiar. Where have I seen him before?" 

"We both work for WayneCorp, so you may have seen him on TV once or twice,"  I said. 

"That's probably it." She looked at me, and said, "Now, then. Any questions that you'd rather not ask the doctor? After all, he's a wonderful doctor and all, but he's still a man, and he's never done this." 

"Well … I've heard delivery is painful. Any suggestions on getting through it?" 

She snorted. "Well, you know your period cramps? It's worse than that. You'll be using language that your mother would be shocked to hear coming from you." She patted my hand, and said, "Drugs are your friend." 

"Joy." I looked up as the nurse called, "Kyle?" Both Bruce and I got up.

"Mr. Kyle, if you'll have a seat, the doctor will call you when he's finished examining your wife." Bruce nodded, and walked back to his seat, picking up a copy of _Home and Garden_.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Mr. Kyle, so good to meet you. Thank you, Amy." Dr. Phillips told the nurse as she escorted Bruce into his office. As Bruce took a seat next to me, Dr. Phillips resumed his chair, then switched on a small device. A low hum filled the air, and Bruce looked at him. 

"Scrambler device. Defeats bugs that any of my patients OR visitors might have planted in here. Now then, Selina, have you been following the diet and exercise plan I gave you?"  

I nodded, and he asked, "When you first came to see me a few months ago, you had mentioned that you had an … accident at your night job. I presume this is the other … participant?" 

I patted Bruce's knee. "Yes, he is." 

Bruce sighed, and pulled a device out of his pocket, switching it on. He put it on the desk, and said, "Jamming device, and also creates an EM field that makes all kinds of recording devices inoperative." He motioned to Dr. Phillips' desktop Macintosh, and added, "It won't harm your computer, so you might as well just turn it off." 

"Interesting …" Dr. Phillips eyed it, then said, "We might as well speak plainly, then." He looked at me, then said, "Regarding your nighttime activities as Catwoman, or Batgirl, I'd like to know if you'd like to abort this fetus? If so, let me know before you use a more high-tech version of the coat hanger. You know, there is a REASON pregnant women don't go on roller coasters, and a jump line from thirty floors up has a similar reason! 

Bruce opened his mouth, and Dr. Phillips turned to him. "As for you, Mr. 'World's Greatest Detective', get a god-damned CLUE! This would be a lot easier on my nerves if YOU were in her body instead of HIM. After all, a real woman would know better! With all your money, can't you buy her a CAR instead of a motorcycle?"

I glared at Dr. Phillips. "Now wait a minute … "   

"No, you wait a minute, missy. Does the phrase 'armchair detective' mean anything to you?" He snorted, then added, "This also means that you stay out of chemistry labs, nuclear reactors, and whatever the HELL else you have in that fancy cave you hang around in! If you want to abort this fetus, let me know now, and you'll find my rates reasonably extortionate." He gave us both a long glare, then added, "The longer I have to deal with metas, the more attractive retirement in Florida sounds." 

"I never thought about the chem lab or the reactor." I looked at Bruce, who returned my look. 

"You actually have one?" Dr. Phillips asked curiously.

"Twenty megawatt fusion," I replied distractedly. 

"I don't want to take chances," Bruce said. 

I glanced at him, and then said, "Doctor, are you available tonight after you close?" 

"I think so." He flipped open his day planner, and said, "Nothing I can't get out of." 

"Good. One of us will pick you up at …" 

"Last appointment at seven … eight thirty would be good. I expect dinner." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I was wearing workout clothes, and talking to Lady Justice when the Car pulled to a stop. The passenger door  opened as it rotated on the turntable. I walked over, and said, "Hello, Doctor." I took the pizza box he handed me. With a roar, Lady Justice left on her motorcycle. 

"That was …" 

"Lady Justice, and no, I won't tell you who she is. It's dangerous enough that you know who we are," I told him. 

"So this is the famous Batcave." He looked around. With the screech of tires, the Car left. 

"No, this is the motor pool. Dressing rooms through there, weapon vaults through there." I started to walk, carrying the pizza box.

He frowned. "What's in the weapon vaults?"  

I turned, and glared at him. "Kryptonite, among other things. Since you've grounded me, I presume you'd like a tour?" 

"You're the one that grounded yourself, missy." He smiled, though, and said, "If it wouldn't be too much trouble."  

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"… This is the trophy room. The robot T-Rex is from … " I turned about, and said, "Hello, Kal. Finished your workout?" 

"Hello, Selina. Thanks for letting me stop by." He gazed at me for a second, and then held out his hand to Dr. Phillips. "Kal-El, but my friends call me …" 

" … Kal," I interrupted. "Dr. Phillips, my obstetrician, this is Kal-El of Krypton, also known as … "

"Superman." He looked over Kal, and then shook himself, and shook the proffered hand. "Sorry." 

Kal chuckled, and said, "Believe me, I'm used to it. It's nice to be able to escape for a bit, and just be a regular guy, you know." He indicated me, and said, "Is there anything wrong? The fetus looked healthy to me." 

"That's why I'm here." Dr. Phillips lifted his scanning equipment, and added,  "I'm concerned about possible environmental problems, given her lifestyle. How often do you scan her?"    

"Not as often as I'd like. This is only the second time I've been here since she became, well …" 

"Pregnant?" I interrupted. "I'm here, guys. You can talk TO me, you know." 

"Sorry, Selina," Kal said. He glanced at Dr. Phillips, and added, "Let me have your card, please. If there's anything you see that I can help with, please let me know." 

"Certainly, but how …" 

With a blur, Kal had left and returned with a pen. He glanced at Dr. Phillips card, then wrote something on the back. "An email address I keep an eye on. I've dealt with my Gotham friends here for years, and I know how stubborn they can be." 

I said, "Stubborn? Listen, farm boy, I'll … " 

Kal silenced me with his hand. "Now, Selina, be good. Otherwise I'll let my wife interview you." I glared at him, then nodded.  

"You must have an interesting wife. Does she know, err, about this?" Dr. Phillips asked.

"About who I am? Of course. I can't hide anything from her." I snorted, and Kal continued. "She knows Selina's moved in with Bruce, but not who they are. I think." I snorted again. Kal finally took the hint, and made his goodbyes.   

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

After he finished his sweeps, Dr. Phillips asked, "That was interesting. Does the JLA know about your little problem?" 

"Which one, the pregnancy or the mind-switch?" I snapped. 

"Either one." 

"Oracle and the Manhunter know about both of them. The rest of them, as far as I know, don't. Catwoman isn't someone they'd normally know. Since I'm not a member, but Batman is, I have to let him handle it.  Even if they did know me, they wouldn't invite me to their monthly poker games."  I stopped walking, and motioning to his equipment, asked, "Got enough information? I do normally monitor the environment here, you know. Besides, I have a meeting tonight." 

He nodded, and I continued, "If you don't mind waiting, I need to change. Should I drop you back at your office?" 

 ***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**## Chapter 32: Of Cave and Kal **

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	33. Of Beginnings and Endings

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"I hate this," I muttered to myself.

"What was that, Catwoman?" Oracle asked. 

"Nothing." I sat back in the chair, and looked around the cave. Since Sheila had taken over for me as Batgirl, I had monitored Oracle's communications from the cave. I would much rather be out there, doing my duty, but I had to reluctantly agree - a pregnant Batgirl would not be an effective crime fighter. I flipped the speaker on, and started to repair equipment.                 

"LoBoys sighted. Six of them. They're following … eight women leaving the Chemistry building," Batgirl reported. 

I clenched my fist, and pounded on the worktable. "The LoBoys are closing on the women. Weapons drawn. They're going down an alley between the Chemistry and Physics buildings. In pursuit."

I touched my headset, and said, "Batgirl, I suggest you attack from above. It's the most effective … "

"THANK you, Catwoman. I'm a bit busy at the moment." I heard the click of her headset disconnecting. 

"Good move, Big C," Oracle said. "Batgirl, come in, please." 

"Batgirl, come in, please."

"Batgirl, come in."

I touched my headset, and said, "I'm going to get her."

"No, you're NOT! Batman, Batgirl's in trouble. University district, alley between the Chemistry and Physics buildings. Six LoBoys, eight victims, weapons present." 

"On my way," he replied.

There was a click, and Batgirl's voice. "Victims rescued, medevac requested for one LoBoy, six victims and myself. Four LoBoys escaped." 

"I'm three minutes out," Batman said.

"Get the LoBoys. They were headed east toward the Student Union." 

"Copy. What's your status?" 

"I'll live," Batgirl sighed. "I got winged by a gunshot, and a bayonet cut on my thigh. I don't think I can ride."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Damn you, Selina! I wouldn't have gotten winged if I hadn't stopped to take your advice and come in high on those LoBoys! What's worse, that delay put three of those girls in the hospital!" Sheila was clearly pissed when she saw the medical report. 

"I was only trying … " 

"Why don't you try to do something about a problem you CAN solve?" Sheila demanded. "What about Harley and Pamela? I know you've done your best with Harvey, but what about the other two? They need help, and they're certainly not getting it in Arkham! Why not take those deductive skills, and those Wayne billions, and instead of agonizing over yourself and your inability to bust heads, try FIXING them! You can see the rationality if you look!"

"But they're criminals! They're dangers to society! They need …" 

"So are people that drink and drive! They get help if they want it! Why not Harley Quinn? She's separated from the Joker - keep her separated, and get her some help!" Sheila said. "Is she more dangerous with Joker, or without him?" I started to say something, and Sheila cut in, "You need me being Batgirl more than I need to do it. I can go back to Lady Justice, or even quit this and stay with my day job!" She leaned over my chair, still in full costume, and added, "The point to this is to get them off the streets, and ultimately cured. I've done the groundwork. All you need to do is sign the check."

"This will cure them when Arkham has failed?" I snorted in disbelief. 

She shrugged. "In criminal law, you see the seamier side of human existence. The places I want to send them are expensive, but I've had good results with other clients." She stood and faced me, crossing her arms on her chest, and admitted, "I know Harley is a former shrink. Maybe it's a game to her, but it's still a better chance for them than those quacks at Arkham."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

The door opened, and Harley came in, wearing a yellow jumpsuit and shackles. She shuffled over, and eased into a seat. The guard locked her belt to the chair, then closed the door. Harley smiled, and said, "Hey Cattie! Howya doing?" 

"About as well as could be expected. How are you?" I asked. 

"Bored, and I miss my Mistah J." 

"Why? Why do you keep running back to him, Harley? You're a smart girl, surely you can see that you're too good for him," I asked. 

"But … I love him! He's so sweet … " Harley looked like a lovesick teenager. 

"Harley! THINK! Does he love you? If he loved you, wouldn't he have broken you out by now?" I asked. "If he loved you, would he keep using you as a punching bag? How many times have you been hospitalized after one of his rages?" 

"Once or twice, maybe …" 

I snorted. "Yeah, right! I looked it up. Try SIXTEEN! Seven of those he almost killed you! You were in intensive care for weeks because of his attacks. Did you press charges?" Harley shook her head, and I demanded, "Why not?" 

"He said I needed discipline. He said … " 

"Did he ever, even ONCE, tell you he loved you? Did he ever do something for YOU?" I sighed, and said, "Harley, what have you done for this obsession? You've thrown away your life, your career, your home and family for him, and what do you have in return?" I gestured, and said, "You're wearing a hideous yellow jumpsuit with GOTHAM JAIL stenciled on the back, shackles and leg irons. What do you have to look forward to?" 

Harley opened and closed her mouth a couple times, then broke into tears. I sighed, and looked around the room, seeing a box of tissues. I fetched the box, placing it in Harley's reach. I let her run down, then asked, "Harley?" 

"Y … yeah, Cattie?" 

"Can I make a suggestion?" She sniffled and nodded, and I continued, "You know you're sick, and those idiots at Arkham aren't helping." She gave a soggy chuckle, and I said, "How about someplace else?" 

Harley blew her nose, then asked, "Where?" I fetched a trash basket, and she took some fresh tissue.

"In the Alleghenies." I motioned to the brochure, and added, "Really nice place, and I've checked it out thoroughly." I pulled a brochure and a report out of my file folder, and let her read it, sitting back to rest my feet. 

"Sounds nice, but I'm here, and I couldn't afford it." Harley pushed the report back to me. I put it in the file, then pushed it over to her.

"That's your copy. Sheila's cleared it with the guards. I want you to make an informed decision, and don't worry about the money. I've gotten Wayne to cover it, if you agree to co-operate." Harley looked at me, and I smiled at her, and added, "As far as the court goes, you remember my lawyer, Sheila?" Harley nodded, and I continued, "You agree to it, she'll work her legal magic, and you'll be transferred there." 

"And if I don't agree, or decide to break out?" Harley asked.

"If you do, you go to Blackgate, instead of Arkham. You've seen that place." We both shuddered. "If you co-operate, though, it's a lot nicer place." 

"For as long as it takes," Harley said bitterly. 

"For as long as it takes to help you, Harley," I said. 

"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" 

"Between getting some help, possibly getting a second chance, and going back into the cycle of Arkham, breakout, Batman and back to Arkham? No, not really. Do you want to think about it?" I asked.

"Yeah. For a coupla days, ok?" Harley clutched the file, and I stood up, and called the guard. 

"One last thing, Harley." She turned in the guard's grip, and I said, "When you get in the shower tomorrow morning, count the scars that Mister J's given you." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Good Morning, Harley!" I said. 

"Hey, Cattie! How ya doing? Gawd, you're big as a house!"

"I feel like it. Pregnancy is Not Fun." I eased myself down on the dayroom couch, and put my feet up on the coffee table. I sighed, the baby kicked, and I winced, then opened my bag. Harley looked relaxed in sweatpants and a tennis shirt, still wearing her signature pigtails. I noticed she wasn't dying her hair blonde, though, leaving it her natural brown. I gave her the April first edition of the Gotham Post, and then a letter. I added, "Sorry the letter's opened, but the guards wanted to check it." 

"S'allright," Harley said. "We get the local paper, but it's nice having one from home. Who's the letter from?" 

"Pamela. I saw her a week ago. She's doing ok, and got your letter. They tried her with a small herb garden, and she did some nasty things. She hasn't adjusted as well as you have," I sighed, and motioned. "The details are in your letter. I'm just saving a stamp by bringing it to you." I grinned, and asked, "So, what are you doing?" 

"Takin' some college courses over the 'Net. Gotta keep my mind occupied, and I got a letter from my family. They're glad I'm here, and it is nice to have someone to talk to. Other than that, workin' out, reading, workin' in the kitchen." 

"They let you in the kitchen? I would have thought you'd be tempted to cut that off." I motioned to the electronic tracking device she was wearing. 

"Na. I did think about it, but, ya know, I gave you and Wayne my word I'd co-operate, and this is part o' the deal. Besides, they showed us what would happen if we tried." Harley shuddered. 

"Us?" I asked. 

"Th' other newbies like me. It's not uncomfortable, the shower don' bother it, and I forget I'm wearin' it. 'S like wearin' a guy's watch." She smiled, and said, "Don't let me forget to give you a couple a' letters, if you don't mind." I shook my head, and she added, "One's to Pammie and the other's to Oswald for the Iceberg crowd. Oh, and one's to Wayne, he asked me a couple 'a questions when he was up here to visit." She winked at me, then asked, "So, when's he gonna ask ya?" 

I blinked. "Ask me? Ask me what?" 

She waggled her left hand at me, then said, "You know! When you two gonna tie the knot? Get hitched?" I blinked again, and she snorted. "When you two getting MARRIED? Mrs. Wayne?" 

"I … I don't know." 

"Well, I hope it's before the baby's due! Ya know what it is, yet?" I shook my head. She snorted, and said, "I wanna be there for the weddin'. Think Sheila the lawyer can swing that?" 

"I … I don't know. I'll ask her."   

"Kay." Harley had unfolded the local section, and said, "Hey, this Batgirl chick been kickin' some butt. I kinda miss the excitement, ya know? What about you? Now that you've been benched, you miss it?" 

"Yes, I do. I don't miss the bruises, though." I sighed, and asked, "What do you miss?" 

"Don' miss those either." Harley giggled, and added, "Bats didn't hold back 'cause I'm a girl. He belt's ya so hard ya hear the little birdies sing." She sighed, and added, "The excitement, that's what I miss. Pullin' off a great job, and then the cat an' mouse wit' da Bat." She saw my look, giggled, and said, "Sorry." 

"It's all right. So, what kind of courses?" I asked. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

A couple of cops came in the office. This wasn't unusual, they were usually there for depositions and such. I checked my calendar for Monday, May 31, and none of the lawyers had notified us they were expected. I looked up at them, and asked, "What can I do for you?" 

"We're here to see Mrs. Harris. Please don't call her." 

"All right. Why is that?" 

"Buzz us in, please." I shrugged, and touched the switch. I asked, "Do you know where … " 

"We know where her office is. Thank you." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

They left a few minutes later, with Mrs. Harris between them, in handcuffs. I thought for a minute as to why, and then remembered the payroll scam that had been going on. I had passed on updated information to Tee's security troops through regular emails to Stephanie in IT, but had not worried that much about it. Now, after several months, it had apparently come to a head.  

Helen was sufficiently shocked that she stood up, and with that, I felt a tearing sensation, and then I was wet. I looked down, and Helen said, "Oh, my god, your water broke!" 

"I … don't feel so good," I said. 

"Let me call Medical," Helen said. I put my head back, and she added, "You're early. We'll have to cancel the shower, now." 

"Uh, shower? Sorry about the mess," I mumbled.  

"The baby shower, you dummy! Oh, yes, this is Helen at the front desk. Selina's water just broke, and she's kinda dizzy. Um. Okay. Okay. Thanks. Bye." She hung up, and said, "Medical's calling the paramedics. Someone will be down in a minute. They'll take you to General. You got anyone you want me to call?"

"Index card in the front of my purse." I shivered, and Helen grabbed my purse from the drawer, and draped a sweater over me. "Thanks."  

"No problem." She dialed the first one, and said, "Mr. Wayne, please. This is about Selina Kyle." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

**## Chapter 33: Of Beginnings and Endings **


	34. Of Births and Marriage

I changed into one of those ugly hospital gowns, and was lying in bed, watching the news when a knock came on the doorframe. "Selina? You decent?" Babs called.  
  
"Barbara! Come in, you can keep me company." I gestured to the TV, and said, "Thank god for CNN. Without that and the financial news, I don't know what I'd be doing now." I muted the volume.  
  
"I'm sure that you could get into some sort of trouble," she grinned. "Where's your roomie, and why don't you have a private room?"  
  
"They took her out for some tests. I was getting tired of soap operas." I touched the IV, and said, "This is just saline. Apparently Selina's medical plan doesn't cover a private room, as I have no official family relationship with Mr. Wayne."  
  
"Ah, yes. Mr. Wayne. He called, and asked me to tell you he'd be down later. He also said, and I quote, 'Thank god it's not me!'" I grinned to match Babs, and she continued, "Use that bit of information however you please. I also called a few friends of yours, and informed them of the joyous news."  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
"Yep." Barbara examined her nails, then extracted a nail file and started to touch them up.  
  
"Barbara Gordon ... " I growled.  
  
"You don't have the bass to do a really good growl anymore." Barbara commented as she did another nail.  
  
I glared at her, then sighed, and said, "What's it worth to you?"  
  
"One of the new Apple I-Books with a 19" screen, fully loaded. I'll get you the specs later."  
  
I growled again, then sighed, and said, "Done. I should have known you would do this. Who'd you call?"  
  
She wheeled to the door to check it, then closed it and extracted a scrambler from her purse. Switching it on, she laid it on the bedside table. "Well, let's see. I left a message with Sly for Oswald at the Iceberg, left messages for Pammie and Harvey, talked to Harley, who is not the airhead she seems, despite the trailer park language."  
  
"That's true. Who else can I expect?"  
  
"Talked to Lois, who said she'd pass it on to Clark. Messages to J'onn and Eel, Dinah said ... "  
  
I waved her off. "Stop, stop. You've informed the ENTIRE Justice League, AND the Rogues?"  
  
"Well, just about everyone I know who's worn spandex. Herr Kittlemeyer wishes you the best, and will be by to see you later. All part of my devious plan, y'see." Barbara gave a mad cackle.  
  
"Dare I ask what your plan is?"  
  
"Nope." She sat back and dug out her nail file again. "You want your kid born a bastard?"  
  
"Does that mean you know what I'm gonna have?"  
  
"Of course. Just three people know. Dr. Phillips, me, and Alfred." She touched up a cuticle, and said, "By now, Dick and Alfred will have the nursery renovation well under way." She looked up as several nurses came in with flowers. "I've gotta go. Talk to you later!" Taking the scrambler, she put her file back in her purse, and wheeled out.  
  
One of the nurses said, "There's more flowers arriving for you. You must have a lot of friends!"  
  
"And enemies," I muttered. "Look, I don't think I'll have room for all of them. Can you just leave me the cards, and, um, spread out these to others?"  
  
A raven-haired nurse replied, "If you want, but why don't we just put them on the windowsill for now? After all, you wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they come by."  
  
"Okay, okay. Give me the cards, though." The nurse, whose nametag read "Holly", smiled, collected the cards, and placed them on the small table next to me. I asked, "Holly, is there a priest available?"  
  
"Um, I saw Imam Al-Said down the hall. Is he all right, or would you prefer a ... " she checked my chart, " ... Catholic priest?"  
  
"The Imam will be fine. Would you ask him to stop by, please?"  
  
"F'sure. You get some rest, now." I nodded, and she left.  
  
After a few minutes, a young man with a neatly trimmed beard entered. He smiled, and said, "I am Imam Habibi Al-Said. You wished to speak to me?"  
  
"Yes, please. One of my friends made a comment that's been bothering me. I don't want my child to be born a bastard, and I was wondering if you could marry my boyfriend and I."  
  
"Ah. You are...?"  
  
"Catholic, but it's been a while since I went to church."  
  
"Is he also Catholic?" I nodded, and he said, "I do not object, all children are blessed by Allah. However, there are two things to discuss with you." I nodded again, and he said, "Firstly, there are no 'bastard children' in Islam. As is only proper, the fault lies only with the parents, and with the families."  
  
"There are no financial concerns," I said, and winced with a contraction.  
  
"That is good. Secondly, as the woman, you must be punished for having indulged in premarital sex."  
  
"Why is it my fault?" I asked.  
  
"As a woman, you are more susceptible to temptation. Never fear. I shall speak to your boyfriend, and he shall also be punished for not denying your urges. However, that is not your concern." I snorted, and he continued, "One of the central tenets of Islam is purity. You have violated this by having sex outside of marriage." I heard the door open, and the Imam continued, "The traditional punishment is one hundred strokes with a switch."  
  
"Over my dead body." Dr. Phillips said, as he entered.  
  
"She must be punished for her sin," the Imam replied.  
  
"Sir, do you know what the word 'defenestration' means?" Dr. Phillips asked in what could only be considered a hostile tone.  
  
"I am unfamiliar with the term," the Imam replied calmly.  
  
"It means to throw someone out a window," I explained. It had certainly happened to me often enough.  
  
"It's also what happens if you lay a hand on my patient," Dr. Phillips added.  
  
"Is that a threat?"  
  
"Take it however you like," Dr. Phillips replied coldly.  
  
The two men glared at each other in a surge of testosterone. "Why not just do this without painkillers?" I suggested. "The old fashioned way."  
  
"I will decide when to medicate you," Dr. Phillips snapped.  
  
"That would be acceptable," the Imam added. "You must learn this lesson, my child." I nodded, and he continued, "Secondly, the marital contract must be drawn up between your future husband and your father, who will represent your interests. Is he available?"  
  
"No. What about Sheila? She's an attorney that's a friend of mine."  
  
He sighed. "It is not traditional, but it is allowed. Are they available?"  
  
"My friend Barbara called them. I don't know if they've arrived yet."  
  
"I shall inquire in the waiting room. Whom shall I ask for?"  
  
"Barbara Gordon is the redheaded lady in the wheelchair. She'll know about Bruce or Sheila," I told him.  
  
"Gordon?" Imam Al-Said asked.  
  
"Barbara Gordon, who may be here with her father, Commissioner Gordon. Bruce Wayne and Sheila Hawking are the other two people."  
  
The Imam raised his eyebrow, and excused himself.  
  
After he had left, Dr. Phillips leaned over, and said quietly, "That confirms who I think Lady Justice is." He cleared his throat, and took my wrist to check my pulse. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"A few twinges from contractions. Nothing much. Once I can get some peace and quiet, I'll meditate. That will take care of any pain." I said.  
  
He glanced at me, then said, "As you wish. Would you like me to fetch another minister? I can have my pastor here in fifteen minutes. We're Methodists, but that shouldn't matter."  
  
I shook my head, and said, "I asked the Imam."  
  
Dr. Phillips sighed. "Whatever, it's your funeral. I'll leave you to it. Buzz the nurse if you need anything. We'll be transferring you to a private room in a bit."  
  
"Private room? I can escape from Soap Opera Hell?"  
  
"Hospital brass are insisting. It seems someone mentioned who the father is, and they don't want to piss off a person whose family is a major contributor to the hospital."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
Holly and her colleagues bustled in with more flowers, placing the cards on the table. Bruce and Sheila followed Imam Al-Said in, who drew the curtain around the bed after they had left. He said, "Mr. Wayne, you wish to marry this young lady?"  
  
Bruce blinked, and I gazed at him, and Sheila kicked his shin. He swallowed, and nodded.  
  
The Imam smiled, and said, "I shall discuss with you later your punishment for not denying her carnal urges toward premarital sex. That is between you and I, as her punishment is between Ms. Kyle and myself. However, the reason we are here now is to discuss the wedding contract. In Islam, this is negotiated between the bride's father, who represents her interests, and the groom. Ms. Kyle states her father is unavailable, and wishes Ms. Hawking here to assume this duty. Is this agreeable, Ms. Hawking?"  
  
Sheila smiled, then said, "On this happy occasion, of course it is."  
  
"Excellent." Imam Al-Said smiled, handed both of them a card, and continued, "Please call me if you have questions. The doctor informs me that it will be several hours yet before we can expect delivery. I would suggest you confer in the cafeteria. For a hospital, they have surprisingly good tea."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
I sat back, and tried to refocus for my meditation. I tapped into Bruce's vision, and he was waiting for the elevator with Sheila. She had snagged a legal pad from somewhere, and was making notes. I heard him say in Japanese, " ... don't need to include the sub-basement."  
  
"It's yours, isn't it? That puts it on the table," she replied, also in Japanese.  
  
"But there's certain ... items there. Very rare and ... " he stopped as other people arrived.  
  
I looked up when the door opened to admit more visitors. Sly, Oswald, Jervis, and Edward came in, followed by Clark and Lois. Dr. Phillips came in a few minutes later, and threw all of them out. He checked me again, then asked, "Who are all those people?"  
  
I sighed, and said, "Just about everyone Oracle knows who wears spandex. The Justice League, the Rouge's gallery, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Titans were out there too." I sighed again, and asked, "Is there anything you can do to speed things up?"  
  
"Yep. Walking. Up and down the corridor. If you'd like, there's a small sunroom that has monitors for the waiting room cameras."  
  
I grinned. "Sounds interesting."  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
I hobbled down the corridor, one hand clutching the IV tree, and trying in vain to keep decent coverage with the hospital gown. Fortunately, the only men around were doctors and hospital personnel. I stopped in the small sunroom, and watched a monitor pan across the waiting room. It was surprisingly crowded. Eel was behaving himself, barely, and Dinah was chatting with Roxy. Sly had left with Oswald, presumably to open up the Iceberg. I glanced at a clock, and resumed my back and forth treks down the corridor.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
I was in a constant, low level state of backache, which meditation hadn't helped. Dr. Phillips had examined me, grunted "Six centimeters, you're doing fine." and left. Every five minutes or so, I felt a contraction. At least I wasn't subject to my former roommate's soap opera fetish anymore.  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
After eight hours of increasingly painful contractions, backache, constant bladder pressure, and body temperatures that swung like a yo-yo, I was ready to cut the kid out with a dull knife. At that point, Bruce and Sheila reappeared with Dr. Phillips and Imam Al-Said. They were all smiling. I glared at them.  
  
"Ah, the beautiful bride to be! Let us proceed with the ceremony," the Imam said with a smile. Father Tim had slipped into the room, and stood watching, smiling quietly. The Imam continued, "In Islam, the marriage contract includes a meher, which is a statement of finances, and how much the groom will give the bride. The first part is known as the prompt, and will be the ring. Mr. Wayne?"  
  
Bruce fumbled in a pocket, and passed the Imam a ring, who placed it on my finger. It was an inexpensive gold band, undoubtedly from the hospital's gift shop. I smiled, and the Imam continued, "The second part of the meher is the deferred amount. This is the bride's, to do with as she pleases. I understand you have a list?" Sheila passed the Imam several pages, which the Imam looked over, eyebrow rising. With a pen, he initialed each page, then passing them to Father Tim, who did likewise, passing them back to Imam Al-Said, who laid them on the foot of the bed.  
  
"Most satisfactory," the Imam said. "The next part is known as the Nikah ceremony. This is a simple proposal, in which Mr. Wayne repeats the details of the meher, which has been agreed to by Ms. Kyle's wali, or representative, Ms. Hawking. For the sake of brevity, you may simply reference the agreed-upon document, Mr. Wayne. If it is agreeable to both parties, you will each repeat the word 'qabul' three times."  
  
Bruce cleared his throat, then asked, "Selina, will you accept my proposal as specified in the meher?"  
  
I smiled, and asked, "Bruce, I say qabul, qabul, qabul. Do you accept the proposals of my wali in the meher?"  
  
Bruce smiled, then said, "Selina, I say qabul, qabul, qabul. I accept the proposals of your wali."  
  
"Excellent!" the Imam passed me a small dish, and added, "It is customary for each of you to take a bite of a sweet fruit. The date is traditional." I smiled, took a bite, then passed it to Bruce, who took another, then passed it to Father Tim. The Imam said, "At this point, you are officially married under Islamic law. Many couples choose to offer vows to each other, however." He took the marriage license that Sheila passed him, then signed it. Father Tim signed as a witness, as did Sheila.  
  
I heard a voice say, "Copy desk? I've got..." With a lunge, Sheila wrenched the door open, and Bruce grabbed a man out of the bathroom, cell phone in hand. I recognized 'Slimy' Stan Blacock of the Gotham Squealer, dressed as a janitor. The smile on Sheila's face clearly said 'Lawsuit!'  
  
I watched through Bruce's eyes as the indignant Imam hustled the reporter out, Bruce following behind. The Imam declared in the waiting room, "This... person was invading the privacy of Mr. and Mrs. Wayne. He is a ... reporter, if you can call it that!"  
  
"Hold on now. I'm a reporter," Lois said as she stood. She looked at the disguised janitor, and asked, "What paper?"  
  
"The Gotham Squealer," he replied, trying to recover his dignity.  
  
"Oh, I thought you meant a real reporter for a real newspaper. The Squealer isn't good enough to wrap fish." Lois turned and walked away.  
  
"The Squealer once said we were the gay love slave of the Joker. We didn't like that," Harvey said, advancing on the little man.  
  
"It claimed Harley, Pammie and I were employees of the Fifth Avenue whorehouse in our spare time," Roxy said. "Since Harley and Pammie aren't here, I'll take their place."  
  
"Ah, the scent of fear," Jonathan Crane said. "The Squealer ridiculed my research in fear. Shall we see how 'ineffective' I can be in creating it? Hmm. What kind of fear to invoke?"  
  
"Letters? Words?" Lois suggested, not looking up from her crossword puzzle.  
  
"Logophobia! How apt. Thank you, my dear."  
  
Lois nodded, not looking up from her crossword. "My pleasure."  
  
Bruce spoke up. "Harvey? Guys? Please don't kill him."  
  
Harvey stopped, and pulled his coin out of his pocket. He flipped it, and a thin wet mark ran down the 'reporter's' tan jumpsuit leg. He sneered at the shaking man, then sighed, and told Bruce, "He'll live. That's all I'll promise."  
  
Roxy nodded at the floor. "Sorry about the mess. Let's take this outside, shall we, gentlemen?"  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***  
  
I leaned back as I sat in the birthing chair, sweaty ankles strapped into stirrups. The bladder and bowel pressure was immense, the pain was continuous, and I pushed and panted on cue. I pulled on the handgrips, which creaked in response. I glared at Bruce, who patted my shoulder, and murmured something.  
  
"I see the head. Push, Selina, push! Come on, girl, you can do it, once more! Push!" Bruce moved behind Dr. Phillips, taping over his shoulder. I cursed, and pushed again.  
  
"I see the shoulders! Push, Selina, push! Once more, one more big push!" With a massive push, I felt something move, and Dr. Phillips said, "Congratulations! You're the proud parents of a baby girl!" He turned away to do a quick exam and clean her, then Holly wrapped her in a blanket and gave her to me. Bruce passed Holly the camera, and then moved to join me.  
  
"She's beautiful," Bruce murmured. "Decide on a name?"  
  
"Helena. Helena Martha Wayne."  
  
(Islamic wedding ceremony courtesy of theknot.com; general Islamic information courtesy of islamonline.com.)  
  
***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---*** ## Chapter 34: Of Births and Marriage ***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---*** 


	35. Of Parents and Truths

For disclaimers, please see chapter 1.

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Thursday, June 3 Gotham Post. Local section, birth announcements, page E8:

Wayne, Helena Martha 

Female, six pounds, ten ounces, 19 1/2 inches. Parents Bruce and Selina Wayne. Monday, May 31, at 10:48 p.m. Gotham General. 

Zygmanus, Stephen 

Male, eight pounds, one ounce, 23 inches. Parent Susan Zygmanus. Tuesday, June 1 at 1:13 p.m. Gotham General. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Thursday, June 3 Gotham Post. Local section, wedding announcements, page E11:

Wayne, Bruce and Selina. 

Nee Kyle. Monday, May 31. Gotham General, Imam Al-Said officiating. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"What do you mean, you can't find him?" I screeched. "I HAD the kid! We should be able to change back!" 

"Miss Selina," Alfred tisked. 

"I mean that I can locate J'onn's DNA in lower Manhattan. That still leaves finding one person among several hundred thousand people, and he could be ANY one of them. He's a shape-shifter, remember?" Bruce said. "You think I want to continue to lumber around like an ox?" 

"You must also recall that you need his active assistance," Alfred said. "Even if you find him, you cannot force him to change your minds back." 

"Wonderful. That means I have stretch marks, sore feet and periods in my future." 

"Trade you for shaving, neckties and people trying to kill me," Bruce offered. 

"Sold!" I said, then asked, "What about the League meeting? Can't you ask him then?" 

"He's missed two, then when I saw him, all he would say was 'I will be in touch.' He sat there smirking all through the meeting. I followed his teleport tube down to the financial district, where I lost him in the lunchtime crowds." Bruce sighed, then said, "I'll try again at the next meeting." 

"You will figure it out. However, you have guests arriving shortly. Perhaps you both might freshen up a bit?" Alfred said. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Dr. Phillips. How nice of you to come!" I said. 

"I could hardly refuse an invitation to Wayne Manor," he admitted. I escorted him to the library, my heels clicking on the hardwood floors. 

Alfred appeared, and the doctor took his seat. Bruce cleared his throat, and I sat next to him on the couch. "We had a favor to ask of all of you, but first, let me introduce everyone." He motioned, and said, "First of all, Alfred is … well, as close to a father as our actual fathers." 

"Thank you, Master Bruce. Miss Selina." 

"Next, you all know my wife, Selina, and our daughter, Helena Martha." I smiled, and he continued. "Next, going around the room, is Clark Kent, and his wife, Lois Lane. Next to the window is Dr. Phillips." He nodded, and Bruce continued, "Lastly, Sheila Hawking." 

I said, "Alfred, of course is Helena's grandfather." He smiled, and I continued, "Bruce and I would like to ask you four if you would … do us the honor of becoming Helena's godparents." 

Lois glanced at Clark, then said, "We would be honored to." 

"As would I," Sheila said, with a bit of catch in her throat. 

"I certainly would be honored," Dr. Phillips said. "I may be a little old to be a godparent, but I'm honored."

"On behalf of myself and Bruce, I thank you," I said. I stood, smoothing down my dress and picking up Helena, who was sleeping peacefully. "Bruce?" 

"We have decided that, in the event you all decided to agree, that certain … secrets should be revealed," Bruce said. He stood, and moved to the grandfather clock, resetting the hands. It slid aside, and he asked, "Lois?" 

"Clark?" she asked. 

"Go ahead, dear. I'm right behind you." 

She nodded, then walked down the stone steps. She stopped, and looked around. Bruce smiled, and motioned her off the last step. "Lois, welcome to the Batcave." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"This next stop on the tour is a bit … special. It's someplace very few people have seen." I pressed my hand on the lockplate, and a laser field swept over us. I spoke to the computer, and said, "Addition to authorized access list. Lane, Lois. General cave and weapons lockers only. Authorization Kyle, Selina. Passphrase Stalk, Catspaw, Whiskers."

"What about Clark?" Lois asked.

"He's with Bruce," I replied. "That's one reason you're here, Lois." The door slid open with a whoosh, and another, equally impressive door loomed before us. I motioned everyone in, and the first slid shut, locking with a 'clunk'. I motioned to Lois, who hesitantly palmed the lockplate, and another door opened. The cavern walls were lined with a dull gray metal, and protective fields were everywhere.

"What do you mean?" Lois asked. 

I waved her over, and slid down a protective cover. "Red and Green Kryptonite." I looked at her, and amplified, "This is the primary weapons locker. The doctor is leaning on the antimatter storage." He jumped off it like a scalded cat. I reached in, and pulled out a small object, tossing it to Sheila. 

"What's this?" she asked. 

"It was part of a meteorite," I replied, indicating the softly glowing object. "Amazing what you can find on the Internet. Try it on. Pity it doesn't have a charge, though. My theory is the original owner was caught on Krypton when it exploded." 

"Wha … Oh, my god," she passed it to Dr. Phillips. 

"What is it?" Lois asked. Dr. Phillips passed it to her. 

Lois looked at the dull gray object, then looked up, and said, "It's an Oan power ring." 

"It's non-functional, and I don't have a Battery to try getting it to work," I stated. "I think the reason Parallax didn't destroy it was because it was drained, and there was no battery linked to it. Otherwise, we may have been wiped out along with the Green Lantern Corps."

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"Lois, I need to ask you and Clark a favor." 

She bounced Helena, then raised her eyebrow. I coughed, and said, "Bruce and I have been … unable to find someone. We were hoping you two might have better luck." 

"Catwoman and Batman can't find someone? This is truly unique," she said dryly. 

I glared at her, then said, "We're trying to locate the Martian Manhunter. We've narrowed it down to lower Manhattan, but without scanning each of several hundred thousand people, we can't isolate his DNA more closely than that." 

"And he's a shapeshifter. Hmm," she thought. "Why do you want him so badly?" 

"Back in October, Bruce and I … switched minds. We want to change back." I said, rather defensively. 

"Oh, what a story I could write! Not that I would, of course," she hastily amended. She snickered, then added, "I can see why you'd get tired of skirts and heels." I glared, and she said, "Just kidding! Ok, I'll talk to Clark, and see what we can do. You owe us, you know. Both of you." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

"They're coming in the front door," Lady Justice said. 

"Ready," I acknowledged. In a few minutes, I heard a key in the lock, the click of the light switch, and a muffled curse. Footsteps, and fumbling with a table lamp. I turned, and moved further into the darkness. 

"Erin. Greta," I said, stepping out of the shadows. 

"B … Batgirl?" Erin said.

"With a coupla' friends," Lady Justice said from behind them. Greta jumped in surprise, and Lady Justice chuckled. I scowled at her, and she told me, "Oh, lighten up, Batgirl." 

"You may not remember … " I started to say. 

"You had the kid!" Erin said. "Where is he? Can I see?" 

I picked the carrier up, and said, "Meet Elizabeth." The lie was a necessary precaution. 

"May I?" Greta asked. I nodded, and she came forward, picking her up and cradling her. She said soft baby talk in German, then handed her to Erin, who bounced her on her hip. Nuzzling her forehead, she continued the baby talk in English. 

"She's beautiful," Erin sniffled. Greta added, "Ja. Danke." 

"Our pleasure," Lady Justice said with a smile. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

Harley came in, wearing a collared shirt, slacks, and sneakers. The black band of the monitor encircled her left wrist. "Selina!" she called, and waved. 

"Hi, Harley! How are you doing?" I asked. 

"Doin' good. You brought her! Oh, may I?" she begged. 

"Certainly." I picked up the carrier, and placed it closer to Harley. 

"Oh, she's adorable!" Harley made little noises at the baby, who gurgled happily. I didn't know why women seemed to lose their minds around babies. "Yes, you know your Auntie Harley, don't you? Don't you? Yes you do! Yes you do!" 

I let Harley babble a bit longer, then took a seat in the day room. Harley took a seat in a rocker, bouncing Helena on her lap. I passed her some mail and a couple of newspapers, and asked, "So, Harley, really. How are you doing?" 

"Not bad, really. I gotta doc that lets me talk as long as I want. She was in an abusive relationship, too, so we can, kinda, well, bond. Same thing with group, although there's nobody in there quite like me." She gave a sad smile, and said, "There's a coupla other girls in group that killed their boyfriends or husbands, even a biker chick. She said she even had a run-in with the Bat." She grinned again, and dandled Helena on her knee. 

"I see." I made a decision, and pulled my Palm Pilot ™ from my purse. Tapping it, I put it on the coffee table, leaned over, and said, "Now, Harley, we have an EM field that will block their sensors for a few minutes. How are you, really? Want me to help you get out?" 

Harley blinked, then leaned forward and said, "Thanks, but no thanks, Cattie. I do feel a lot better, but I think I'd be better off to stay here." She picked the Palm up with one hand, turned it off, and then banged it against the edge of the coffee table until it broke. I picked it up, and threw it into my purse. Harley grinned, then said offhandedly, "I'll be getting a 30 day isolation for breakin' your Palm, but I don't mind. Thanks for askin', Selina. You're a pal." She turned, and told Helena, "Your mommy's a peach, ya know that, kid?" Helena blew a spitbubble in agreement. 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

I parked, and locked the car, taking Helena in her carrier. I looked at the stop sign, and noticed that Catwoman's sign was a bit faded. I regarded it, then turned, and walked into the Iceberg. 

"Hello, Sly," I said. I dug around in my bag, and handed him a letter from Harley. 

"What'll you have, Miss Ky … er, Mrs. Wayne?" he asked. 

"It's still Selina, and just some fruit juice, please." Sly smiled, and nodded. I headed over to the table, asking, "Is this seat taken?" 

"Cattie!" Roxy said. "Is that your daughter? Oh, may I?" She started to coo over Helena, as the men slowly drifted closer. Edward gave up his seat for me, and I smiled in thanks. 

"She's beautiful, Selina," Harvey said. "May we?" I nodded, and he gently took the baby in his large hands. He held her up, and she looked curiously at his scarred face, then giggled and reached for him. He allowed her to explore his face, then sat her on his knee, leaning close to her. 

"He's a bit old for her," Edward said. 

"quack A January / September romance, is it?" Penguin said. 

"Calling us old, Oswald?" Harvey said menacingly. 

"Not at all," I said. "Listen, I wanted to invite you all to the Christening. There are two conditions." 

"Name conditions," Croc growled. 

"St. Michael's is neutral territory. Anyone wrecks my daughter's christening, they'll deal with ME." 

"What about the cops?" Harvey asked. Croc looked at me, and I nodded. Harvey reluctantly gave her up. Croc's teeth fascinated Helena. 

"Bruce is laying down the law with Gordon now. Neutral territory extends for a block around St. Michael's." 

"Adequate." Edward acknowledged. He looked around, and said, "I think we can promise our best behavior." I concealed my surprise. I didn't expect rationality from these people.

"What's your second condition, kitten?" Harvey asked. 

"Myself, my family, and my home are off limits for jobs." I braced myself mentally, and added the next for Selina's benefit. These were her friends, after all. "If you want to visit and you're not on the run, give me a call." I gave them a crooked smile, and added, "I'm retiring." 

"I never thought of you as a 'stay at home mom', kitten," Harvey said. 

"Times change, my friend." I wrinkled my nose, then said, "Like someone needs her diaper changed. Excuse me, everyone." 

***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---***

****

### Chapter 35: Of Parents and Truths 

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	36. oF Endings and Beginnings

For disclaimers, please see chapter 1.  
  
------------------------  
  
I had to admit the music was beautiful.  
  
I stopped for a minute to listen as we waited to enter the church. The Waynes had been attending St. Michael's for close to two hundred years. I smiled, and juggled Helena and my purse as I shook hands with the priest. Edward Nigma stood behind us, dressed very conservatively, the only concession to his criminal persona was the dark tie with bright green question marks. As Edward shook hands and chatted with Bruce, the three of us found a pew toward the front.  
  
"Hello, Bruce, Selina. Good morning, Mr. Nigma. Is that Helena? May I?"  
  
"Certainly, Commissioner." Bruce passed her over, then added, "Hello, Dick, Barbara. You know Mr. Edward Nigma?"  
  
Barbara parked her wheelchair at the end of the next pew, then said, "I believe I've heard of you, Mr. Nigma. An inventor, aren't you?"  
  
Edward positively beamed with pleasure. "Why, yes, I've invented a few gizmos and gewgaws here and there." Helena sneezed from the tobacco odor on Jim's clothes, and Edward stood, whipping out a handkerchief with green question marks, with an "Allow me!" Jim nodded in thanks, and helped Helena blow her nose.  
  
Another couple came up, and Bruce said, "Commissioner, I'd like to introduce Lois Lane and her husband, Clark Kent of Metropolis." He added, "They're Helena's godparents." Hands were shaken, and another couple joined us.  
  
"Harley! Sly, how good of you to join us!" I said. "Harley, I didn't expect to see you."  
  
"Sheila arranged a furlough for me," she said. She smoothed her dress and sat down. "Sly was nice enough to escort me. How'ya doin', Ca..." I shook my head. "... Err, Selina?"  
  
"Good, I'm glad I was able to help you." A gray haired lady had taken a seat before the organ, turning off the recording. Dr. Phillips and Sheila scurried in, and claimed the end of the pew next to Lois and Clark. There was a murmur as people got settled, and Helena was passed back to me.  
  
I heard a burst of automatic weapons fire, and the Joker's trademark laugh, followed by cursing as his gun jammed. Harvey spilled out of a confessional, and approached the maddened Joker.  
  
"Jack. How did you get out?" Harvey snarled, yanking the automatic rifle out of Joker's grip, and clearing the stovepiped round. Flipping the safety, he absently handed it to Detective Montoya, then grabbed Joker by the collar. "We gave our word to Selina we would be on our best behavior. We will not see it disavowed by you. We are getting very tired of you, and are of two minds to take care of you ourselves. Permanently." Harvey shook the Joker with his left hand, pulling out his coin with the right. I watched with the others as the coin made lazy spirals in the air.  
  
"Scarred side up, Jack. At least you're in the right place to meet your maker," Harvey sneered, stowing his coin and pulling out a revolver, which he shoved up Joker's nose.  
  
"My son, wait. Do you wish to commit murder in the house of the Lord?" an elderly priest asked.  
  
"What do you propose, Father? You know Joker's history." Joker was trying to pull something from his jacket. Herr Kittlemeyer stepped up, and extracted a rubber chicken from the clown's jacket, then stepped back. Harvey pulled the hammer back to full cock.  
  
"Perhaps if we were to take this matter outside? The state of this man's soul is not yours to judge."  
  
"Blood is so difficult to get out of hardwood floors, too. Let's go, Jack. You've got a meeting with a Higher Authority." Harvey decocked the revolver and holstered it, then flipped again. He grunted, then said, "After you, Father." Montoya, Bullock, and Gordon followed them outside.  
  
I turned back to the front of the church as Father Tim tapped on the microphone. "We apologize for the interruption. If everyone will please turn to page 33 in their hymnals, 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.'"  
  
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We chatted in the parlor while the men congregated in the drawing room. Sheila asked, "Selina, do you remember Mrs. Harris? I'm representing her."  
  
"I'll give a referral if ya want!" Harley piped up.  
  
Sheila smiled, and said, "Since you're here, Harley, if you don't mind, I'd like to get a statement from you. She mentioned you, and is claiming she was only doing it to protect her daughter, who's in prison on a possession charge."  
  
"Oh, I fergot about that! I set that up for Puddin', and I ... Sure, I'll talk to you! What's the charge?"  
  
"Grand theft and forgery. I've got a tape recorder in my purse. Excuse us, everyone!" Sheila called.  
  
Lois rolled her eyes, and asked, "Is Harley always that much of a ditz, or is it an act?"  
  
I raised my eyebrow, and said, "She's extremely bright. Why she acts that way, I don't know. Why don't we see what the menfolk are doing?"  
  
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Epilog: Ten years later:  
  
"Mattie! Mattie, are you here?" I called.  
  
"Out here, Mom!"  
  
I sighed, and opened the wrought iron gate to the family cemetery. J'onn had, for his own, unknown reasons, refused to switch us back into our proper bodies. We had overcome our reluctance and distaste of magic, and asked Zantanna if there was a spell that would change us. The only one she knew of was a temporary one.  
  
I walked down the stone path to the central mausoleum. Why my daughter spent so much time out here, I didn't know. I walked up the steps, and found her sitting cross-legged on a marble sarcophagus. There were ... flickers ... in the air around her. I asked, "Mattie, what are you doing? You know we've got to leave shortly for the service."  
  
"Just talking to Alfred, and Gramma, and Grampa, and great-aunt Sophie," she said, smiling. "They always give me good advice, and they'll keep an eye out for Uncle Jim. He hasn't arrived yet."  
  
"Um, honey? We've got to go to Uncle Jim's service, you know." Lung cancer had finally taken Jim Gordon. The two heart attacks hadn't helped either.  
  
"I know." She flipped off the sarcophagus, spinning and landing in a combat crouch. "When will you let me go out with you at night?"  
  
"You shouldn't do that in a dress," I said. I looked her over, and brushed her off. She returned the favor, and extracted a couple of brambles from my skirt.  
  
"Mom! I'm wearing tights! And like, who's gonna see? Everyone here's related!" She crossed her arms and glared at me, then ruined it by giggling. "You didn't answer my question."  
  
I sighed. My daughter definitely had her tomboy side. "We've decided that you can go out with us when you can defeat one of the four of us in Zogger. It's your choice of Dad or me, Uncle Dick or Aunt Sheila. When you can defeat all four of us, you can solo." I took her hand, and we left the crypt. She turned and waved, calling "Later!"  
  
"So, Mom? What about that letter I got from Massachusetts?"  
  
"It came without stamps or postmarks, or a return address. It just ... appeared, which was suspicious, and we wanted to check it for hazards. You can look at it when we get back from the service. It's an invitation to a boarding school in Boston." I took her hand, and continued, "Aunt Barbara is still checking the school out. However, Aunt Zee knows of it, and she recommends it, or another school in Scotland." I glanced at her, and asked, "Any more ... funny stuff ... happen?"  
  
"Aside from my talking to ghosts? Nope."  
  
She looked a little too innocent, in my opinion. "You can't lie very well. We'll have to work on that." She groaned, and I said, "C'mon. Spill it. What's one more gray hair?"  
  
"You don't HAVE any gray hair, Mom!" I looked at her, and she wilted. "Okay, okay. I hate Cresswell Academy for stuck-up junior snots anyway. Annalisa Ford was going on about how she had finally started, and she had a boyfriend that she was letting get, well, you know, CLOSE." She kicked a rock. "Why couldn't I go to public school?"  
  
"Education and security. You're a Wayne, kid. You know that." I kicked a rock toward her with the side of my pump, and she kicked it back to me. "Look, today's June third. Let's give Aunt Barbara another week or so, all right? After all, she's just lost her Dad, and that's rough." Mattie nodded, and I continued, "Based on what she and Aunt Zee say, we'll sit down together and decide if you should continue at Cresswell, go to Massachusetts, or even Scotland. Fair enough?" She nodded, and I asked, "So, what did you do to Annalisa?"  
  
"Turned her hair red. Blood red," she giggled.  
  
I hugged her, and asked, "You get caught?"  
  
My daughter snorted, and hugged me back. "'Course not! I did it with, y'know..." She wiggled her fingers, and I ruffled her hair.  
  
I heard a cough, and Bruce asked, "May I join you?" I held out an arm, and he folded us in his strong arms. I sighed. Even if I couldn't have my own body back, I at least had a loving family. I thought, _Damn you, J'onn!_  
  
Mattie coughed, then said, "Okay, too mushy." She wiggled out of the hug, and asked, "Dad?" Bruce took her other hand, and cocked an eyebrow at her. "Would you be terribly offended if I used Mattie Kyle when I go off to Massachusetts or Scotland?"  
  
"What's wrong with Helena Martha Wayne?" he asked.  
  
"Well ... Now, when I'm introduced as Wayne, people think I'm some sort of snobby rich bitch. It's really hard to make friends. I'd rather be more ... common, y'know." She found a rock, and kicked it toward me, and I kicked it toward Bruce. He returned it to Mattie, who kicked it back at him. "Y'know, like the people you guys help at night. Everyday people."  
  
Bruce and I shared a look. He stopped, and turned, crouching down in front of Mattie. "Helena Martha Wayne. You can call yourself anything you and the school agree on, as long as you remember that you'll always be our daughter, and you'll always be a Wayne."  
  
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The parking lot was jammed. Bruce parked the Rolls, and a battered Ford station wagon took the next slot. The family piled out, dressed in their Sunday best, and Bruce offered, "Can I help?"  
  
"Thank you kindly, Mister ..." the older man said.  
  
"Wayne. Looks like you've got a handful with your kids. Can we help you with something?"  
  
I finished inspecting Mattie, then turned to smile at the wife, and held out my hand. "I'm Selina, and this is our daughter Helena. Need a hand?"  
  
She shook it, then said, "Susan and Henry Stewart." She tisked, then continued to her kids, "I swear, Joseph, child, I don't know where you get the dirt. You were clean when we left the house!" She swiped at him with a handkerchief.  
  
He rolled his eyes, then said, "Mom!" Mattie grabbed his elbow, and said, "It's genetic. They're mothers. C'mon, let's get some good seats. I'm Mattie. I hate Helena. Mom and Dad only call me that when they're ticked off." He smiled, then said, "I'm Joe. I know what you mean." They moved off toward the church.  
  
I shared a look with Susan, then helped her with her brood, while Bruce was helping Henry with a large flower arrangement. We waited to cross the street, and I took the hands of two of her children. The light changed, and we crossed, then got in line to enter the church.  
  
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The church was packed. Every off-duty member of the force was there, in his or her dress blues. Current and former city council members, mayors, and politicians of every stripe were there. The coffin was open, allowing people to pay their last respects. Dick and Barbara waited in the vestibule, accepting condolences. We waited patiently in line, Barbara barely holding herself together. Bruce and Henry added the arrangement to the collection of flowers, dusted themselves off, and joined us.  
  
------------------------  
  
"You know, I thought you'd be ... different, you know. Stuck up. But you're just regular folks." Susan offered tentatively.  
  
"I know the type you mean. People with more money than sense. If you can't trace your blood back to Plymouth Rock, you're not worth talking to." I snorted, and added, "I put my shoes on one at a time, just like every one else, thank you very much. The only reason we go to the social events is to pry money out of them for charity. I could care less about some rich idiot's polo game. The horse would be a better conversationalist."  
  
Susan frowned, then asked, "But then, why do you send your daughter off to a private school? What's wrong with public schools?"  
  
"Nothing, but Mattie doesn't know she's been the target of four kidnapping attempts. She doesn't like Cresswell Academy, but the academics and the security are excellent. That's one reason Bruce and I do full scholarships there for the daughters of officers killed in the line, and at Morrison for the sons. One less thing for an officer's family to worry about is their children's education." I smiled at Susan, and said, "I wasn't born into a wealthy family. My sister is a nun, and we grew up in an orphanage. I know what it's like to squeeze a penny until it bleeds." I shrugged, and added, "Now that I've got a couple of extra zeros in the checking account, it's my turn to help people out."  
  
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# Chapter 36: Of Endings and Beginnings  
  
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